Ugh!

Was my last post really in March? I have had so many things that I wanted to catch up on here and thought once school was out I would be able to get it done.  Where has my time gone?  I feel like I have been even busier now.  I think my problem comes from all the appointments I have had since June started.  I am having to see a chiropractor and a massage therapist both on a weekly basis to keep my poor pelvis in place.  These loosey-goosey pregnancy hormones have done horrible things to my joints, but I am SOOO... grateful for chiropractics and massage because I can walk again and it has made the world of difference!  Anyway, this week I have an appointment Every.Single.Day!  Lexy had her 10-yr. well check-up Monday, I got my final pre-baby haircut and gray cover-up (aka highlights) yesterday, today I have my massage, tomorrow is my chiropractic appointment and Friday I see the OB.  I guess I am the dumb one for booking one every day instead of piling them all on the same day, but half of them don't run on time and some are in Estero and others in Naples so who can plan well enough for that?  Excuses, excuses.  I have to get these posts done before this baby comes - and when is that you ask?  In three weeks! 

We have been so hesitant through this pregnancy.  I have had wonderful friends offer baby showers, but I just couldn't have one.  One of the hardest things we had to do after Hailey died was to return baby stuff.  I just can't have to go through that again.  I have bought three, no four things total for this baby so far.  Some new organic shampoo that was on sale at Target.  A diaper tote for the house because I'm not sure where we are going to keep this baby - our room most likely, but we don't have a changing table so I thought we might need somewhere to hold diapers and wipes so we can move them around the house.  I also bought a little holder for wipes and sanitizer for the car.  And while shopping for my sister who is having a boy in the fall I found one of those soft little bear blankets that came in a 2-pack so I thought I would keep the girl one and send the boy one to her (surprise Julia).  I still have not yet bought diapers.   I haven't washed a single item of clothing, although we did get the tubs out of the attic and looked through them to finalize our "needs" list.  Through the recommendation of an infectious disease specialist we have thrown away all of the bottles and such and need to buy new ones -- still on my "to do" list.  Maybe I should pack a hospital bag sometime soon?

Maybe this is called denial??  I have never gone into labor on my own.  I was induced with Lexy when I was two weeks overdue and the rest of my babies have been scheduled c-sections.  So I should expect that this one will not be any different and that she will be arriving sometime in the morning on July 12th, but in the back of my head I keep thinking that is the exact reason that this baby will not comply with protocol and will for some crazy reason (called Murphy's law) come early.  Yet, I still am not prepared.  Hopefully writing all this down and getting it out of my head will help me to handle it a little better and actually get something done.....I hope.

The wee hours of the morning

Waking up early to a silent house is not usually as torturous as it was two years ago.  My thoughts usually are about what is happening currently in the lives of my family or my to-do list.  This morning was different.  I have recently been asked to accept a new calling.  I told the bishop I needed to pray about it first.  This calling comes with a lot more responsibility and I felt I needed to be honest about what I could handle.  There are a lot of things that I have learned about myself through losing Hailey.  I stopped taking the anti-depressant I was on when I found out I was pregnant.  I did notice a little bit of the 'fog' return, but now I know how to recognize it and how to deal with it.  Mainly I have to scale back what I take on.  I need to be honest with myself about what I can and cannot handle --hence praying about the calling.  When I only get 2 things done on my list of 10 I no longer beat myself up....it is what it is and it is going to have to be good enough.  I have also come to realize that I have made a lot of good changes over the last two years.  I am much calmer with my children.  I know how to handle situations better that would have previously made my blood boil with the kids.  These are HUGE for me.

As I have been praying about this over the last week I have had the feeling that this calling would be good for me.  Over this past year my faith has definitely taken a huge hit.  I have slowly been feeling as though it is coming back, but my thought was that this calling would probably help me get back more of the faith that I need.  So this morning as I awoke early to a silent house, my thoughts turned to this calling and the need for my faith to be stronger.  And then....I just laid there too long.  The baby started kicking and my thoughts turned to her.  Then about how surely the Lord has to know that I cannot handle another loss, especially with my faith where it is.  And then the panic set in - It hit me like a brick.  What if the Lord needs me to increase my faith because something IS going to go wrong?  My first instinct is to decline the calling.  My initial thoughts are 'maybe if I keep my faith where it is the Lord won't take my baby because he has to know I can't handle it'.  Then there is the reality check --  I can't be foolish enough to think that if I don't do anything to increase my faith the Lord will change his mind and his plans for this child.  I mean come on, let's get real --That is not how the Lord works and I know that.  I am hoping that these doubts were from Satan.  I'm sure he doesn't want me to do anything to increase my faith.

My other fear is that I still haven't learned what I was suppose to learn from Hailey's death and the two losses last year.  Maybe my lesson is that I am suppose to accept the Lord's will with a happy heart.  I really bombed that one after my last miscarriage.  I just can't honestly say that I will accept whatever happens with this baby.  I'm not there yet. 

The emotions of having another girl...

I have had so many emotions these last few months. I have wanted to write them down but didn't really want them public yet, so I didn't write them.  I do want to have them in my "journal", though, so I will be posting the emotions and issues I have been dealing with over the next little while.

My first and strongest desire for this baby is for her to be healthy and strong.  I pray that she comes out with an immune system like no other.  Before we knew that it was a girl, however, I had somewhat hoped that it would be a boy.  Many of the women I know that have lost children have the opposite sex when their next baby is born.  I had though that this would make it a little easier emotionally if we had a boy.  We have had a baby girl in our family for the last two years.  I felt it would be hard to have another girl and not get her confused (is that the right word?) with Hailey --if that makes sense.  After we found out this baby is a girl I told Aaron that we would need to figure out a name quickly so that I can start to change my association of my 'baby girl' being tied to Hailey.  I just don't want to be calling this new baby Hailey by accident.  It has already happened a couple of times.  As I mentioned in my last post I don't really have a desire to buy clothes.  For the past two years, though, as I have passed by the baby department I have looked at outfits and wondered how they would look on my sweet Hailey.  A few weeks ago we were passing the baby section in target when I thought 'that would be a cute outfit for.....Hailey', when I was actually thinking about the new baby.  I knew it would happen.

Having a new baby girl is not going to replace my other baby girl.  Unfortunately Hailey will never be anything but a baby girl in our minds, though, so I think it will take a while for the adjustment of 'two' baby girls.  And maybe the issue won't go away until this new baby is not a baby any more.  I just hope that she doesn't grow up being called Hailey all her life. 

Hope

I suppose that there is something that I should share.  My feelings and emotions since last October have been of hope and gratitude, yet fear and hesitation.  I felt the need to protect my heart.  As you can see from the picture below we are expecting.  From the moment we found out, which was an unexpected moment, Aaron and I both instantly guarded our hearts.  With the history of our losses in 2011 we just couldn't allow much hope to flow.  I, of course, immediately went to the doctor.  He verified that the baby was at least in my uterus and everything seemed to be as it should.  I still could not seem to feel any excitement.  I couldn't allow myself to even figure out the month in which this baby might be due.  I could not have another month that would come knowing that I should have had a baby in my arms.

It wasn't until I switched doctors at about 10 weeks that I found out I would be due in the beginning of July.  Even at that point and past the 12 week mark I struggled to let the hope catch hold and turn into excitement.  Knowing how precious each moment can be and how much we cherished our few days with Hailey before she passed away, one of my best friends reminded me that maybe even though this could still end in heartache I should try to cherish the moments I had with this baby.  She was right.  It has been easier said than done, though.  I haven't even announced this baby at church.  I'm pretty sure my belly is either giving it away these days or causing some gossip.  I still have no desire to look at baby clothes, which thankfully is okay because we have plenty from Hailey.  (I guess that gives away the sex -- it is a girl).  I did see a beautiful dark wood changing table and dresser at Costco the other day that actually started a little desire to buy things.  We have decided though, that we are not going to buy anything more than absolutely necessary (obviously some diapers will be needed) until after the baby has been here for a while.  We are not going to re-arrange kids rooms until.......I'm not sure when. 

I wish that there were a cut-off date where we would know for sure that she was here to stay forever.  Unfortunately I know too well that is not the case.  I know too many Angel mom's who have lost children at any given age.  Some even almost two to SIDS.  How can that be?  Everyday we are given is truly a gift because at any moment life on this earth can be taken away.  I think part of my hesitation in posting this also stems from the heartache that I know it will bring to those Angel mom's out there who have lost children, sometimes their only child, and still don't have another child.  I know the sadness that comes from hearing yet another announcement of a baby on the way when that is the one thing you want most.  It can be heartbreaking.

I was hoping that we would get a good picture of the baby at this ultrasound to put up here.  Unfortunately she had her face buried in my placenta throughout the appointment.  This was the best shot that we got of her from the side.

I know that other Angel mom's experience a lot of anxiety and fears when their other children come close to the age when their angel passed away.  I'm pretty sure that mine will start the minute she is born, if not before.  I have had the doctor do as many tests as possible up to this point to see if I have Staph and they have all come back negative.  That is a relief, but hospitals are full Staph, so since I have to have her in the hospital, and will be there for 3-4 days I will probably be the nurses worst nightmare.  This is all speculation of course.  I really have no idea how we are going to deal with this.  On one hand I want to put her in a bubble and not let a soul touch her.  On the other hand, what if she will only be with us a few days?  How can I deny my children the memories of holding her and smelling her and feeling her soft skin and tiny fingers and toes?  I can't.  How do I protect her, yet let our family love and cherish everything about her and every moment with her?  I don't know.  It is all really too much to think about and I can send myself to some really scary places if I allow myself too much time to think about the ifs and what-ifs so I usually stop myself and just don't go there.  For now we just take one day at a time and I am trying my hardest to cherish each day and each kick I feel.

From the mouth of babes...

I know it has been way too long since I have posted anything.  Especially since this is suppose to be my "journal".  I do want to get back on track with my posts.  I would really like to have the little things in our lives recorded and it makes me sad to think that so many moments have slipped by.  I couldn't let this one go because, well, it wasn't a happy one, but it is part of our life and it shows the heartache that we still endure.  The other day was a particularly rough day with the kids after school.  The kids were exchanging hateful words, short tempers, and were screaming at each other.  I had already knocked Nathan's bedtime down to 20 minutes early.  I was making dinner and thinking "how on earth am I going to do FHE (Family home evening) when I really just want to lock my kids in their room for the night".  So I decided to put on some church music in hopes that it would change the mood in the house.  The kids were in the other room and the next thing I know they are screaming again.  So I went and blasted the church music so that I couldn't hear them.  (I was working really hard not to lose my own temper).  Lexy ended up disappearing to her room.  A few minutes later Nathan came into the kitchen crying.  I figured it had to do with their fighting and really didn't care why he was upset.  But I asked him anyway why he was sad.  He said that he missed Hailey.  Apparently my blasting church music sent his thoughts her way (nice one mom).  We went in the living room where her pictures still sit on the back of the sofa and I sat with him on my lap and we both cried (doesn't take much these days for me to cry).  Then came the heartbreaking question...."Mom, can prayers make someone alive again?"  I said, "Yes, sometimes prayers can help someone live."  Then Nathan said, "Can prayers bring Hailey back?" (Insert my gut-wrenching heartache) "No sweet boy.  Hailey has been gone too long for prayers to bring her back now.  She wasn't meant to stay with us because we prayed for her and it was her time to go."  Then we just sat and cried some more.  These moments Break.My.Heart.  But, they are part of our lives now and will forever be. 

I sure love this boy and thank the Lord every day that he is here with me!

Sending Messages to Hailey in Heaven

Here are the pictures from Hailey's birthday celebration.

Each time we visit Hailey's grave we bring water so that we can clean it off.  It is usually covered with grass clippings and dirt.

Lexy and the boys are writing their notes to Hailey.

Up they go.  We have pink balloons for everyone to tie their notes to and send to heaven.  Then we have white balloons.  One for each year - so this year we had two. 

It is hard to tell, but the cool thing is that the white ones always lead the way.

We had a small group there this time.  I am grateful to have family close to do this with us.

We had two extra balloons this year so the kids let them go afterward by themselves.  You can't tell it in the photo, but they circled one another while they went up.

Thank you Kirsten for taking these photos.  We love them!

I really liked this photo.  We put this Faith rock on Hailey's grave months ago.  I guess the sun and weather has caused some cracking in the outside.  It is quite symbolic to my Faith this year.  It has been worn and weathered and has finally cracked, but despite that, just like this little rock is still one piece, I am still holding on.  I haven't allowed it to completely crumble.  I can't give up completely -- I have too much to live for -- my children (here and in heaven) and my wonderful husband.

Happy 2nd Birthday Hailey!

Unfortunately I don't have any picture to put up because my friend Kirsten took the pictures (she is a budding photographer) this afternoon and I haven't had the chance to get the copies from her yet.  But I couldn't let the day go without wishing my sweet Angel Happy Birthday. 

I have been wanting to post for a while now, but just haven't taken the time.  Thank you to the amazing friends that I have who sent us notes and gifts letting us know that you are thinking about us.  It really means so much to know that Hailey is not being forgotten by those who aren't even her family.  We do have the Angel tree up (which I am assuming I posted last year that we changed to the "kids" tree so that Lexy and Nathan felt just as special).  I love the new Angel ornaments that we have been able to add to it this year.  It amazes me that we haven't collected them all yet. 

As Aaron was handing the boxes with Hailey's ornaments down from the attic we had a mishap and one went crashing to the floor.  I was immediately devastated because I just knew from the sound that there couldn't be anything that wasn't broken left in that box.  I carried all the other boxes inside and couldn't bring myself to even look in the one still on the floor.  Finally as we had almost finished decorating the tree I went out and brought in the last box.  I opened it and to our amazement we only lost two ornaments.  I was so grateful that so many of the ornaments had been spared.  We tried to glue the two back together, but it didn't work so we had to let them go.

These last two years have been the hardest of my life.  This year has been especially hard losing two more babies.  I have really struggled.  My faith has really struggled.  My hope has been all but gone for most of this year, it seems.  It has just been hard.  I had an angel move in across the street.  She is not of my faith, but is one of the most spiritual women I know.  She has been such a good example to me and has shared things that have really helped me at times.  One of them is a book called Streams in the Desert.  It has a message or devotional for each day of the year.  I have been reading it regularly and many times it seems it has been written just for me.  One of the messages that really touched me is as follows:

"A bar of steel worth five dollars, when wrought into horseshoes, is worth ten dollars.  If made into needles, it is worth three hundred and fifty dollars; if into penknife blades, it is worth thirty-two thousand dollars, if into springs for watches it is worth two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.  What a drilling the poor bar must undergo to be worth this!  But the more it is manipulated, the more it is hammered and passed through the fire, and beaten and pounded and polished, the greater the value. 

May this parable help us to be silent, still, and longsuffering.  Those who suffer most are capable of yielding most; and it is through pain that God is getting the most out of us, for His glory and the blessing of others.

Life is very mysterious.  Indeed it would be inexplicable unless we believed that God was preparing us for scenes and ministries that lie beyond the veil of sense in the eternal world, where highly tempered spirits will be required for special service."

I really loved this when I read it.  I feel like I have been hammered and passed through this fire more in these last two years than I can handle.  It brought me peace to think that maybe there is a purpose for all this.  I can't see it now - and it has all but ruined me this year.  Even though I haven't felt as strong these last five months I know that I can't give up.  I have two beautiful children here that depend on me.  I refuse to let my questions and lack of faith change the path that we have them on.  I do feel that slowly I am getting my faith back.  Slowly I am coming out of this funk that I have been in.  I hope that on Hailey's birthday next year I will be writing a whole new story- one filled with Faith.  For now, though, I am working hard not to give up Hope.

Happy Birthday Hailey!  I love you!!!