The wee hours of the morning

Waking up early to a silent house is not usually as torturous as it was two years ago.  My thoughts usually are about what is happening currently in the lives of my family or my to-do list.  This morning was different.  I have recently been asked to accept a new calling.  I told the bishop I needed to pray about it first.  This calling comes with a lot more responsibility and I felt I needed to be honest about what I could handle.  There are a lot of things that I have learned about myself through losing Hailey.  I stopped taking the anti-depressant I was on when I found out I was pregnant.  I did notice a little bit of the 'fog' return, but now I know how to recognize it and how to deal with it.  Mainly I have to scale back what I take on.  I need to be honest with myself about what I can and cannot handle --hence praying about the calling.  When I only get 2 things done on my list of 10 I no longer beat myself up....it is what it is and it is going to have to be good enough.  I have also come to realize that I have made a lot of good changes over the last two years.  I am much calmer with my children.  I know how to handle situations better that would have previously made my blood boil with the kids.  These are HUGE for me.

As I have been praying about this over the last week I have had the feeling that this calling would be good for me.  Over this past year my faith has definitely taken a huge hit.  I have slowly been feeling as though it is coming back, but my thought was that this calling would probably help me get back more of the faith that I need.  So this morning as I awoke early to a silent house, my thoughts turned to this calling and the need for my faith to be stronger.  And then....I just laid there too long.  The baby started kicking and my thoughts turned to her.  Then about how surely the Lord has to know that I cannot handle another loss, especially with my faith where it is.  And then the panic set in - It hit me like a brick.  What if the Lord needs me to increase my faith because something IS going to go wrong?  My first instinct is to decline the calling.  My initial thoughts are 'maybe if I keep my faith where it is the Lord won't take my baby because he has to know I can't handle it'.  Then there is the reality check --  I can't be foolish enough to think that if I don't do anything to increase my faith the Lord will change his mind and his plans for this child.  I mean come on, let's get real --That is not how the Lord works and I know that.  I am hoping that these doubts were from Satan.  I'm sure he doesn't want me to do anything to increase my faith.

My other fear is that I still haven't learned what I was suppose to learn from Hailey's death and the two losses last year.  Maybe my lesson is that I am suppose to accept the Lord's will with a happy heart.  I really bombed that one after my last miscarriage.  I just can't honestly say that I will accept whatever happens with this baby.  I'm not there yet.