The wee hours of the morning

Waking up early to a silent house is not usually as torturous as it was two years ago.  My thoughts usually are about what is happening currently in the lives of my family or my to-do list.  This morning was different.  I have recently been asked to accept a new calling.  I told the bishop I needed to pray about it first.  This calling comes with a lot more responsibility and I felt I needed to be honest about what I could handle.  There are a lot of things that I have learned about myself through losing Hailey.  I stopped taking the anti-depressant I was on when I found out I was pregnant.  I did notice a little bit of the 'fog' return, but now I know how to recognize it and how to deal with it.  Mainly I have to scale back what I take on.  I need to be honest with myself about what I can and cannot handle --hence praying about the calling.  When I only get 2 things done on my list of 10 I no longer beat myself up....it is what it is and it is going to have to be good enough.  I have also come to realize that I have made a lot of good changes over the last two years.  I am much calmer with my children.  I know how to handle situations better that would have previously made my blood boil with the kids.  These are HUGE for me.

As I have been praying about this over the last week I have had the feeling that this calling would be good for me.  Over this past year my faith has definitely taken a huge hit.  I have slowly been feeling as though it is coming back, but my thought was that this calling would probably help me get back more of the faith that I need.  So this morning as I awoke early to a silent house, my thoughts turned to this calling and the need for my faith to be stronger.  And then....I just laid there too long.  The baby started kicking and my thoughts turned to her.  Then about how surely the Lord has to know that I cannot handle another loss, especially with my faith where it is.  And then the panic set in - It hit me like a brick.  What if the Lord needs me to increase my faith because something IS going to go wrong?  My first instinct is to decline the calling.  My initial thoughts are 'maybe if I keep my faith where it is the Lord won't take my baby because he has to know I can't handle it'.  Then there is the reality check --  I can't be foolish enough to think that if I don't do anything to increase my faith the Lord will change his mind and his plans for this child.  I mean come on, let's get real --That is not how the Lord works and I know that.  I am hoping that these doubts were from Satan.  I'm sure he doesn't want me to do anything to increase my faith.

My other fear is that I still haven't learned what I was suppose to learn from Hailey's death and the two losses last year.  Maybe my lesson is that I am suppose to accept the Lord's will with a happy heart.  I really bombed that one after my last miscarriage.  I just can't honestly say that I will accept whatever happens with this baby.  I'm not there yet. 

The emotions of having another girl...

I have had so many emotions these last few months. I have wanted to write them down but didn't really want them public yet, so I didn't write them.  I do want to have them in my "journal", though, so I will be posting the emotions and issues I have been dealing with over the next little while.

My first and strongest desire for this baby is for her to be healthy and strong.  I pray that she comes out with an immune system like no other.  Before we knew that it was a girl, however, I had somewhat hoped that it would be a boy.  Many of the women I know that have lost children have the opposite sex when their next baby is born.  I had though that this would make it a little easier emotionally if we had a boy.  We have had a baby girl in our family for the last two years.  I felt it would be hard to have another girl and not get her confused (is that the right word?) with Hailey --if that makes sense.  After we found out this baby is a girl I told Aaron that we would need to figure out a name quickly so that I can start to change my association of my 'baby girl' being tied to Hailey.  I just don't want to be calling this new baby Hailey by accident.  It has already happened a couple of times.  As I mentioned in my last post I don't really have a desire to buy clothes.  For the past two years, though, as I have passed by the baby department I have looked at outfits and wondered how they would look on my sweet Hailey.  A few weeks ago we were passing the baby section in target when I thought 'that would be a cute outfit for.....Hailey', when I was actually thinking about the new baby.  I knew it would happen.

Having a new baby girl is not going to replace my other baby girl.  Unfortunately Hailey will never be anything but a baby girl in our minds, though, so I think it will take a while for the adjustment of 'two' baby girls.  And maybe the issue won't go away until this new baby is not a baby any more.  I just hope that she doesn't grow up being called Hailey all her life. 

Hope

I suppose that there is something that I should share.  My feelings and emotions since last October have been of hope and gratitude, yet fear and hesitation.  I felt the need to protect my heart.  As you can see from the picture below we are expecting.  From the moment we found out, which was an unexpected moment, Aaron and I both instantly guarded our hearts.  With the history of our losses in 2011 we just couldn't allow much hope to flow.  I, of course, immediately went to the doctor.  He verified that the baby was at least in my uterus and everything seemed to be as it should.  I still could not seem to feel any excitement.  I couldn't allow myself to even figure out the month in which this baby might be due.  I could not have another month that would come knowing that I should have had a baby in my arms.

It wasn't until I switched doctors at about 10 weeks that I found out I would be due in the beginning of July.  Even at that point and past the 12 week mark I struggled to let the hope catch hold and turn into excitement.  Knowing how precious each moment can be and how much we cherished our few days with Hailey before she passed away, one of my best friends reminded me that maybe even though this could still end in heartache I should try to cherish the moments I had with this baby.  She was right.  It has been easier said than done, though.  I haven't even announced this baby at church.  I'm pretty sure my belly is either giving it away these days or causing some gossip.  I still have no desire to look at baby clothes, which thankfully is okay because we have plenty from Hailey.  (I guess that gives away the sex -- it is a girl).  I did see a beautiful dark wood changing table and dresser at Costco the other day that actually started a little desire to buy things.  We have decided though, that we are not going to buy anything more than absolutely necessary (obviously some diapers will be needed) until after the baby has been here for a while.  We are not going to re-arrange kids rooms until.......I'm not sure when. 

I wish that there were a cut-off date where we would know for sure that she was here to stay forever.  Unfortunately I know too well that is not the case.  I know too many Angel mom's who have lost children at any given age.  Some even almost two to SIDS.  How can that be?  Everyday we are given is truly a gift because at any moment life on this earth can be taken away.  I think part of my hesitation in posting this also stems from the heartache that I know it will bring to those Angel mom's out there who have lost children, sometimes their only child, and still don't have another child.  I know the sadness that comes from hearing yet another announcement of a baby on the way when that is the one thing you want most.  It can be heartbreaking.

I was hoping that we would get a good picture of the baby at this ultrasound to put up here.  Unfortunately she had her face buried in my placenta throughout the appointment.  This was the best shot that we got of her from the side.

I know that other Angel mom's experience a lot of anxiety and fears when their other children come close to the age when their angel passed away.  I'm pretty sure that mine will start the minute she is born, if not before.  I have had the doctor do as many tests as possible up to this point to see if I have Staph and they have all come back negative.  That is a relief, but hospitals are full Staph, so since I have to have her in the hospital, and will be there for 3-4 days I will probably be the nurses worst nightmare.  This is all speculation of course.  I really have no idea how we are going to deal with this.  On one hand I want to put her in a bubble and not let a soul touch her.  On the other hand, what if she will only be with us a few days?  How can I deny my children the memories of holding her and smelling her and feeling her soft skin and tiny fingers and toes?  I can't.  How do I protect her, yet let our family love and cherish everything about her and every moment with her?  I don't know.  It is all really too much to think about and I can send myself to some really scary places if I allow myself too much time to think about the ifs and what-ifs so I usually stop myself and just don't go there.  For now we just take one day at a time and I am trying my hardest to cherish each day and each kick I feel.