Hope

I suppose that there is something that I should share.  My feelings and emotions since last October have been of hope and gratitude, yet fear and hesitation.  I felt the need to protect my heart.  As you can see from the picture below we are expecting.  From the moment we found out, which was an unexpected moment, Aaron and I both instantly guarded our hearts.  With the history of our losses in 2011 we just couldn't allow much hope to flow.  I, of course, immediately went to the doctor.  He verified that the baby was at least in my uterus and everything seemed to be as it should.  I still could not seem to feel any excitement.  I couldn't allow myself to even figure out the month in which this baby might be due.  I could not have another month that would come knowing that I should have had a baby in my arms.

It wasn't until I switched doctors at about 10 weeks that I found out I would be due in the beginning of July.  Even at that point and past the 12 week mark I struggled to let the hope catch hold and turn into excitement.  Knowing how precious each moment can be and how much we cherished our few days with Hailey before she passed away, one of my best friends reminded me that maybe even though this could still end in heartache I should try to cherish the moments I had with this baby.  She was right.  It has been easier said than done, though.  I haven't even announced this baby at church.  I'm pretty sure my belly is either giving it away these days or causing some gossip.  I still have no desire to look at baby clothes, which thankfully is okay because we have plenty from Hailey.  (I guess that gives away the sex -- it is a girl).  I did see a beautiful dark wood changing table and dresser at Costco the other day that actually started a little desire to buy things.  We have decided though, that we are not going to buy anything more than absolutely necessary (obviously some diapers will be needed) until after the baby has been here for a while.  We are not going to re-arrange kids rooms until.......I'm not sure when. 

I wish that there were a cut-off date where we would know for sure that she was here to stay forever.  Unfortunately I know too well that is not the case.  I know too many Angel mom's who have lost children at any given age.  Some even almost two to SIDS.  How can that be?  Everyday we are given is truly a gift because at any moment life on this earth can be taken away.  I think part of my hesitation in posting this also stems from the heartache that I know it will bring to those Angel mom's out there who have lost children, sometimes their only child, and still don't have another child.  I know the sadness that comes from hearing yet another announcement of a baby on the way when that is the one thing you want most.  It can be heartbreaking.

I was hoping that we would get a good picture of the baby at this ultrasound to put up here.  Unfortunately she had her face buried in my placenta throughout the appointment.  This was the best shot that we got of her from the side.

I know that other Angel mom's experience a lot of anxiety and fears when their other children come close to the age when their angel passed away.  I'm pretty sure that mine will start the minute she is born, if not before.  I have had the doctor do as many tests as possible up to this point to see if I have Staph and they have all come back negative.  That is a relief, but hospitals are full Staph, so since I have to have her in the hospital, and will be there for 3-4 days I will probably be the nurses worst nightmare.  This is all speculation of course.  I really have no idea how we are going to deal with this.  On one hand I want to put her in a bubble and not let a soul touch her.  On the other hand, what if she will only be with us a few days?  How can I deny my children the memories of holding her and smelling her and feeling her soft skin and tiny fingers and toes?  I can't.  How do I protect her, yet let our family love and cherish everything about her and every moment with her?  I don't know.  It is all really too much to think about and I can send myself to some really scary places if I allow myself too much time to think about the ifs and what-ifs so I usually stop myself and just don't go there.  For now we just take one day at a time and I am trying my hardest to cherish each day and each kick I feel.