Enduring....

Mark 13:13 "...he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved." Hebrew 6:15 "And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise." 3 Nephi 15:9 "Behold, I am the law, and the light. Look unto me, and endure to the end, and ye shall live; for unto him that endureth to the end will I give eternal life." D&C 50:5 "But blessed are they who are faithful and endure, whether in life or in death, for they shall inherit eternal life."

I have read these scriptures my entire life. To me they meant, in a way, for us to do the best that we could to live the commandments....to repent when we needed to....to make corrections where corrections should be made....to endure just living in this world of wickedness and temptation. Now, Now these scripture take on a whole new meaning. Not only do I have to live worthy enough to be given the gift of eternal life so that I can be with my baby girl again, but I have to endure my entire life on this earth without her. I will never again hear the word "endure" and let it pass by so lightly.

Yesterday made it three months since Hailey left this world. When I allow myself to go back to that moment it is so fresh, so raw. I'm not sure that that will ever change. I have the feeling that whenever I go back my emotions will be right there waiting like a pot of water about to boil over the top. I can only hope that when I get to see her again that I will not have to remember or feel the heartbreak of what we are enduring here for the rest of our lives on this earth.

The diagnosis is....

I thought I would give you an update on the last post. The flu test also came back negative. I thought it was just a bug that we were going to have to let run it's course until yesterday. Nathan was complaining about his neck and head and refused to turn it. I was very nervous that we were dealing with spinal meningitis again and so we went back to the doctor's office. (We saw a different doctor so I didn't have to deal with my irritation from the day before). Anyway, they did a couple of tests and as is turns out Nathan has Mono!

So, I have cancelled my life for the next two weeks. Nathan is not allowed to go to school or play any sports. He is suppose to rest as much as possible. I was already behind at the office because of insane amounts of "no school" days in the month of January and now I have two more weeks of no school for Nathan. I am going to try to enjoy this down time as much a possible without stressing out. I'm sure that's the lesson I am suppose to learn with all of this. :o)

Irritated

I am a bit irritated today. Nathan came down with a fever on Saturday and has been complaining of a sore throat. He has definitely not been himself - he is on his second nap for today, poor little guy. Anyway, I took him to the pediatrician today just to have him take a look. The strep test came back negative and we are still waiting on the flu test results (hopefully negative too).

This pediatrician that I took Nathan to is the one that my children have been seeing since Lexy was a few months old. He is part of a large practice so we don't always see him when the kids are sick but we do see him for their "well" visits and if he is available when they are sick we will see him. The last time we were in there was just about three weeks before I had Hailey. I asked him some questions about whether or not I needed to do anything specific to have a pediatrician from the office see Hailey at the hospital. He told me about how the third child is different from the other two and how my life will change.

So I was a little worried about going in today because I figured that he would ask about the baby. He was not the doctor that ever saw Hailey at the hospital so I wasn't sure that he knew that she had passed away. (You would hope that even though they are part of a large practice somehow there would be just a tiny bit of communication in the office that would allow a doctor who has been treating a family for almost eight years know that their child passed away. However, the office called me two weeks after Hailey passed telling me I needed to schedule her for her two week check-up. When I told the teenager on the other end that she has passed away all she said to me was "oh, okay - thanks". I knew at that point that Hailey's file would probably be marked "in-active" and no one else would hear a thing.) So back to today... I thought that since I had been in there just a few months ago and we had discussed Hailey's birth that even though he probably had not been made aware of her death he would at least remember that she was born and ask about her. NOPE! Not one word. You would assume that I was never even pregnant. He asked about everyone else in the family making sure they weren't showing any signs of illness. Any concerns for a brand new baby??? NOPE!

So I have to say that today I felt like a number. I guess when I worried this morning about how I would hold it together when he asked, I just wasted my time. Needless to say, I am hurt and irritated!