Happy 2nd Birthday Hailey!

Unfortunately I don't have any picture to put up because my friend Kirsten took the pictures (she is a budding photographer) this afternoon and I haven't had the chance to get the copies from her yet.  But I couldn't let the day go without wishing my sweet Angel Happy Birthday. 

I have been wanting to post for a while now, but just haven't taken the time.  Thank you to the amazing friends that I have who sent us notes and gifts letting us know that you are thinking about us.  It really means so much to know that Hailey is not being forgotten by those who aren't even her family.  We do have the Angel tree up (which I am assuming I posted last year that we changed to the "kids" tree so that Lexy and Nathan felt just as special).  I love the new Angel ornaments that we have been able to add to it this year.  It amazes me that we haven't collected them all yet. 

As Aaron was handing the boxes with Hailey's ornaments down from the attic we had a mishap and one went crashing to the floor.  I was immediately devastated because I just knew from the sound that there couldn't be anything that wasn't broken left in that box.  I carried all the other boxes inside and couldn't bring myself to even look in the one still on the floor.  Finally as we had almost finished decorating the tree I went out and brought in the last box.  I opened it and to our amazement we only lost two ornaments.  I was so grateful that so many of the ornaments had been spared.  We tried to glue the two back together, but it didn't work so we had to let them go.

These last two years have been the hardest of my life.  This year has been especially hard losing two more babies.  I have really struggled.  My faith has really struggled.  My hope has been all but gone for most of this year, it seems.  It has just been hard.  I had an angel move in across the street.  She is not of my faith, but is one of the most spiritual women I know.  She has been such a good example to me and has shared things that have really helped me at times.  One of them is a book called Streams in the Desert.  It has a message or devotional for each day of the year.  I have been reading it regularly and many times it seems it has been written just for me.  One of the messages that really touched me is as follows:

"A bar of steel worth five dollars, when wrought into horseshoes, is worth ten dollars.  If made into needles, it is worth three hundred and fifty dollars; if into penknife blades, it is worth thirty-two thousand dollars, if into springs for watches it is worth two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.  What a drilling the poor bar must undergo to be worth this!  But the more it is manipulated, the more it is hammered and passed through the fire, and beaten and pounded and polished, the greater the value. 

May this parable help us to be silent, still, and longsuffering.  Those who suffer most are capable of yielding most; and it is through pain that God is getting the most out of us, for His glory and the blessing of others.

Life is very mysterious.  Indeed it would be inexplicable unless we believed that God was preparing us for scenes and ministries that lie beyond the veil of sense in the eternal world, where highly tempered spirits will be required for special service."

I really loved this when I read it.  I feel like I have been hammered and passed through this fire more in these last two years than I can handle.  It brought me peace to think that maybe there is a purpose for all this.  I can't see it now - and it has all but ruined me this year.  Even though I haven't felt as strong these last five months I know that I can't give up.  I have two beautiful children here that depend on me.  I refuse to let my questions and lack of faith change the path that we have them on.  I do feel that slowly I am getting my faith back.  Slowly I am coming out of this funk that I have been in.  I hope that on Hailey's birthday next year I will be writing a whole new story- one filled with Faith.  For now, though, I am working hard not to give up Hope.

Happy Birthday Hailey!  I love you!!!