Waves of Grief

Today has been a particularly hard day. I feel like the first few days of this week weren't that bad. I think because things were still kind of busy. We had Aaron's parents staying with us to help out when Hailey arrived. It was great to have them here - we really could not have made it without them. They helped so much with Lexy and Nathan - taking them to school and picking them up, taking them to the park, playing with them, distracting them and keeping them busy. Nathan has had a hard time adjusting to all of the change. I think just having Grandma and Grandpa in charge has been challenging for him - he likes to push the limits and he definitely tried and tested his grandparents. We thank Wes and Elaine for their patience with that. Then the arrival of a new baby is always an adjustment for the older siblings and to have her leave just as quickly as she came has been hard for the kids. Nathan has expressed more emotion about it than Lexy has. He constantly says that he misses her. We talk about how she is in heaven and we will see her again some day. Then he asks when she is going to come home. We've explained it every way we can. I think he will just have to get older before he can truly understand.

Some of the hardest moments for me over the last couple of days have been thinking at different moments that I should have a baby with me. I had a doctors appointment this morning and I told Aaron that I just wished that I had a baby screaming in the back seat because she was hungry and we were late for her feeding. As a new mom you never wish for those moments, but I would take anything that meant my baby was still here with me. I'm suppose to have her in my arms when we are reading scriptures and saying prayers with the kids at night. I should have her in the baby sling while making hot chocolate with the kids. I should be taking her for her two week check-up. I could go on and on....

There are so many people that are expecting to meet Hailey and when they see us they say with a huge smile, "How's the baby?" We have to tell them that she has passed away, which is the last thing they are expecting to hear, then I almost feel like I have to comfort them because they are so shocked they don't know what to say. Those are some of the hardest moments we are having to deal with now. I just wish there was a set time and once we reached that point the grief would be gone. Then I could look forward to that moment. Unfortunately life will never be the same for our family and we have to accept that.