The doctor's explanation

The dress that we buried Hailey in.

My only picture of Hailey's feet... all dress in white.

We received Hailey's death certificate a few days after her funeral. On it the cause of death stated the following: Septic shock, Sepsis, Meningitis, Bacteremia, Staphylococcus Aureus. Obviously that is a lot more than we expected to see on there and although we felt like we knew what those things were we felt like we needed a little more explanation.

Last Thursday we were able to sit down with the doctor that treated Hailey in the emergency room and the Children's ICU and ask him some questions. We were a little nervous about this meeting, hoping that it wouldn't just bring more pain. We also worried that the doctor would feel like we were there to find fault and would be hesitant to talk to us. We said a prayer before we went in asking that the doctor would say things that would help us feel peace about Hailey's cause of death.

The doctor was very kind. He told us that he was so sorry and that although he only knew Hailey for a few hours he had become invested in her life and he could only imagine the pain we were experiencing. He explained that some how Hailey had been infected with Staph Aureus. There is no way for us to know where it came from. It is a very common bacteria found on all of our bodies and in our mucus membranes. She was only at the hospital and at home. We didn't take her out anywhere and no one held her but hospital staff and our families. She could have gotten it at the hospital or picked it up from one of us - we will never know. He also said that because babies have no immune system she could have been infected for a few days or only a few hours before we saw any signs.

We wanted to know if we missed signs that she was sick. Because babies don't have immune systems they do not get fevers - this is something I did not know. Their bodies don't have the ability to fight infections like ours, where we would normally get a fever. Somehow the Staph Aureus made it into Hailey's blood stream. That is when it became fatal. Once it was in her blood it spread through her entire body - into every organ and tissue. This caused her body to start to shut down and get cold. The one and only sign we saw was her blue lips, hands, and feet - her temperature was 94.9. The doctor informed us that by the time we saw this it was her bodies way of coping - she was in shock. Her liver and kidneys had already been destroyed and her body was starting to shut down - she was in septic shock.

During our conversation he said, "I don't know if you believe in a higher power, but with Hailey's case I just have to think that someone up there had a different plan for her". This brought us the comfort that we needed. To hear a medical doctor, not of our religion, state that she had somewhere else she was suppose to be, reconfirmed our feelings. Even though we know this already we still need that reassurance.

Grief is a funny thing. Sometimes I feel really strong and know that Hailey fulfilled her mission on earth and feel peace with where she is. Other times I am not so strong and I think of the few hours before she turned blue - what did I miss? What should I have seen? There must have been something I could have done to save her life! In those dark times I have to some how bring myself back to the peace that I know must be deep down inside. Sometimes I just need that reassurance that she is were she is suppose to be and that as the doctor said "someone up there had a different plan for her".

We are grateful that we were able to meet with the doctor. He reassured us that we did everything right. There was nothing else we could have done differently. Once babies get an infection they can pass away within a few hours. She was suppose to go back home. That knowledge brings peace, but unfortunately it doesn't always take away the pain.