Are we ready yet?

Okay, physically I am definitely in a much better place than I was a few weeks ago when I posted.  As I mentioned we do now have diapers and wipes, all the baby clothes have been washed and I was even able to find a place to keep them (Lexy's closet and bottom dresser drawer) even though this baby doesn't really have a room.  I have the kids bag packed to go to Mimi's, I have boiled bottles and pump equipment (and re-read instruction booklets), I have my list of To-Do's made for the next three days so that I can have all clean clothes for the family (buys me at least a week without laundry, right?), a stocked refrigerator, bills paid and I do at least have everything listed that I want to take to the hospital although the bag is not completely packed.  So, physically.....physically I am feeling much more prepared for this baby.

Emotionally.......Emotionally is another story.  We just don't know how to handle having another baby when Hailey died from something that most humans have on their body. How do we keep this baby safe when the bacteria that took Hailey's life will be surrounding us? As I mentioned before we talked to a Pediatric Infectious Disease Specialist (PIDS).   It was a great visit.  We have an entire protocol of body washes and ointments that the entire family will be using for the first week of the baby's life.  It adds a little stress to our lives, but it at least helps us feel that we will be doing everything we can possibly do to keep her safe.  I am going to pump for the first few days while they test my milk to make sure that it is safe since I had such a horrible infection when Hailey died.  Both my OB and the PIDS said that my milk should be fine but that testing it for peace of mind is probably a good idea.  So the plan is that the baby will have formula until we know that my milk is okay and then we will give that a try.  If I start to get any cracking or bleeding though I will have to stop immediately and just go with the bottle.  The PIDS also said that she wondered if Hailey had something else going on.  She said the fact that I had such a hard time getting her to latch on could have been a sign for something called Chronic Granuloma Disease.  It affects the baby's neutrophils (or white blood cells) which could have been the reason that she couldn't fight the infection.  She has recommended that this baby be tested within the first week so we will be doing that next week some time.

I want to love this baby and snuggle her and kiss her and I want the kids to do the same just in case the Lord takes her away.  I want us all to have the memories of loving and enjoying her to the fullest in case that is all we have.  I want tons of pictures and video.  AND YET..... I want her in a bubble.  I don't want anyone near her.  I want the kids and their germs a thousand miles away.  How do we do both of those things?  Can we be cautious without being complete germ freaks.  I don't want the kids to be paranoid or afraid to touch her or to think that maybe Hailey died because of their germs (which Lexy has already asked me about).  How do we find a happy medium emotionally?

Everyone is so convinced that everything will be fine with this baby.  Is that because they just cannot fathom the Lord taking another child?  I know too many Angel mom's who have lost multiple children.  I have tried to pray for peace and comfort, but have not received it, so what does that mean?  It is near impossible for me to move forward with faith.  I just can't seem to let my guard down.  I didn't even want to open the baby bottles I bought to boil them because 'what if I don't even get to use them'? 

Our grief therapist (who we still see occasionally) suggested that I need to "row the boat and wait for it to appear".  In other words I need to move forward with the faith that this baby will be fine.  I have been trying to do that, which allowed me to open some of the things I bought, like the bottles.  I hope that once the baby comes some how we will be able to relax and move forward with more faith.  I can tell that even the kids are feeling emotional about this baby.  Nathan has asked multiple times throughout this pregnancy about how long this baby will live and what if she goes to heaven with Hailey.  How do you answer those questions?  All I can say to him is that I hope that this baby will get to live on earth with us until she is 100.

I can feel so many of the emotions surrounding Hailey's death coming back.  In the mornings and evenings in bed I see her little body with all the tubes and the doctor and nurses.  I hear myself asking my mom if she can bring the kids to the hospital to say good-bye.  I remember the doctor doing CPR multiple times and finally realizing that she was dying in front of my eyes and then finally telling him to stop.  I don't know how I am not just going to hold this new baby and cry nonstop.  What if she looks like Hailey?  What if she cries like her?  How do I handle all of this?  How do I be strong so that my children are okay emotionally?  I don't know.......      I just.don't.know.

Catching Up

I am going to try to catch up on a few things that I have wanted to get on the blog forever now.  Be warned this will probably be a long post!

In October (2011) we had our Stake Day of Service. There were two ways to serve. The first was at a local state park and the second was to crochet lap quilts for a local nursing home. So I learned how to crochet granny squares. Women from around the Stake crocheted as many squares as we could and brought them on the Day of Service. Then we tried to put all the matching colors together to make quilts.

When our time was up we still had hundreds of squares left.  I took these because they were Gator colors.  I had to finish making about 20 new squares before I could put it together, but I think it turned out nice.  I gave this one to our Stake President because he is a huge Gator fan and he had just had a heart transplant.

My grandmother fell and broke her hip in December and so I decided to make her a quilt for her birthday which was in January. 

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In March we had the windows open in the house and Nathan was playing in the front yard.  Aaron and I were making dinner when we heard a loud crash and heard Lexy ask Nathan what happened.  Then we heard the panic in his voice and came out to find the following.

 A nice big hole in the back of the van window.  Apparently he had been throwing rocks and thought he was going to throw one over the van.  Good news.....he has a strong arm!  Bad news.....his aim is a little off!

It took a couple of days before we could get the window fixed so we had covered it with a plastic bag in case it rained.  Thankfully it did not, but just with the wind blowing this is what the window looked like by the time the guy came to put on the new one.  We are still finding glass pieces in the back of the van today.  Each time we put the back seats up and down more glass falls out. 

I hope that Nathan learned his lesson.  He had to do chores around the house to "earn" enough money to pay 6% of the cost of replacing the windows since he was 6 years old at the time.  It wasn't all bad, I got some nice cleaning and weeding out of him :o)

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For Easter we decided to add a couple of members to our family and surprised the kids with a gerbil for each of them.

Lexy named hers Snuggles

Nathan named his Black Ears

We have really grown to love these little guys.  They are so cute and it has been fun to watch their unique personalities.  We thought Black Ears was the calm one at first, but Snuggles has really lived up to his name.  The kids are just now getting comfortable enough to hold them and Nathan is even trying to pick them up.  Since they have been a little timid the daily holding and loving has fallen on myself and Aaron -- which to be honest, we haven't minded at all.

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One of the ways we encourage the kids to get up and get dressed first thing in the morning before school is by allowing them to watch cartoons while they eat breakfast if everything else is completely ready to go.  One morning while watching Arthur we saw a neat craft idea.  So for Family Home Evening one Monday we gave it a try.

If you look closely at the picture above you will see that each page is a "kaleidoscope" of each person's name. Nathan's is on the top left. Aaron's is on the top right. Alexys' is on the bottom left and mine is the bottom right... I just loved how each one turned out so differently depending on the way the letters where drawn. They boys did more bubble letters while the girls letters where more of a block style. From a distance you can't even tell they are letters. Anyway, a simple craft, but I just love them! They are still hanging on the wall.

Quick update..

So I just thought I would give a quick update to yesterday's post.  It kicked me into high gear and I finally bought some necessary baby items.  We now have diapers AND wipes.  We also have some bottles and I have ordered all new pump accessories since that was part of the stuff we had to throw out.  Thanks to a good friend we have a swing and because of her I realized that a baby tub might come in handy (hmmm.....I'm wondering what other important things I have forgotten that I might need).  Now I just need to throw some clothes in the wash and start packing a suit case.  In my head that completes my to-do list, but like the baby tub I am still a little worried I might be forgetting something important...???

Ugh!

Was my last post really in March? I have had so many things that I wanted to catch up on here and thought once school was out I would be able to get it done.  Where has my time gone?  I feel like I have been even busier now.  I think my problem comes from all the appointments I have had since June started.  I am having to see a chiropractor and a massage therapist both on a weekly basis to keep my poor pelvis in place.  These loosey-goosey pregnancy hormones have done horrible things to my joints, but I am SOOO... grateful for chiropractics and massage because I can walk again and it has made the world of difference!  Anyway, this week I have an appointment Every.Single.Day!  Lexy had her 10-yr. well check-up Monday, I got my final pre-baby haircut and gray cover-up (aka highlights) yesterday, today I have my massage, tomorrow is my chiropractic appointment and Friday I see the OB.  I guess I am the dumb one for booking one every day instead of piling them all on the same day, but half of them don't run on time and some are in Estero and others in Naples so who can plan well enough for that?  Excuses, excuses.  I have to get these posts done before this baby comes - and when is that you ask?  In three weeks! 

We have been so hesitant through this pregnancy.  I have had wonderful friends offer baby showers, but I just couldn't have one.  One of the hardest things we had to do after Hailey died was to return baby stuff.  I just can't have to go through that again.  I have bought three, no four things total for this baby so far.  Some new organic shampoo that was on sale at Target.  A diaper tote for the house because I'm not sure where we are going to keep this baby - our room most likely, but we don't have a changing table so I thought we might need somewhere to hold diapers and wipes so we can move them around the house.  I also bought a little holder for wipes and sanitizer for the car.  And while shopping for my sister who is having a boy in the fall I found one of those soft little bear blankets that came in a 2-pack so I thought I would keep the girl one and send the boy one to her (surprise Julia).  I still have not yet bought diapers.   I haven't washed a single item of clothing, although we did get the tubs out of the attic and looked through them to finalize our "needs" list.  Through the recommendation of an infectious disease specialist we have thrown away all of the bottles and such and need to buy new ones -- still on my "to do" list.  Maybe I should pack a hospital bag sometime soon?

Maybe this is called denial??  I have never gone into labor on my own.  I was induced with Lexy when I was two weeks overdue and the rest of my babies have been scheduled c-sections.  So I should expect that this one will not be any different and that she will be arriving sometime in the morning on July 12th, but in the back of my head I keep thinking that is the exact reason that this baby will not comply with protocol and will for some crazy reason (called Murphy's law) come early.  Yet, I still am not prepared.  Hopefully writing all this down and getting it out of my head will help me to handle it a little better and actually get something done.....I hope.

The wee hours of the morning

Waking up early to a silent house is not usually as torturous as it was two years ago.  My thoughts usually are about what is happening currently in the lives of my family or my to-do list.  This morning was different.  I have recently been asked to accept a new calling.  I told the bishop I needed to pray about it first.  This calling comes with a lot more responsibility and I felt I needed to be honest about what I could handle.  There are a lot of things that I have learned about myself through losing Hailey.  I stopped taking the anti-depressant I was on when I found out I was pregnant.  I did notice a little bit of the 'fog' return, but now I know how to recognize it and how to deal with it.  Mainly I have to scale back what I take on.  I need to be honest with myself about what I can and cannot handle --hence praying about the calling.  When I only get 2 things done on my list of 10 I no longer beat myself up....it is what it is and it is going to have to be good enough.  I have also come to realize that I have made a lot of good changes over the last two years.  I am much calmer with my children.  I know how to handle situations better that would have previously made my blood boil with the kids.  These are HUGE for me.

As I have been praying about this over the last week I have had the feeling that this calling would be good for me.  Over this past year my faith has definitely taken a huge hit.  I have slowly been feeling as though it is coming back, but my thought was that this calling would probably help me get back more of the faith that I need.  So this morning as I awoke early to a silent house, my thoughts turned to this calling and the need for my faith to be stronger.  And then....I just laid there too long.  The baby started kicking and my thoughts turned to her.  Then about how surely the Lord has to know that I cannot handle another loss, especially with my faith where it is.  And then the panic set in - It hit me like a brick.  What if the Lord needs me to increase my faith because something IS going to go wrong?  My first instinct is to decline the calling.  My initial thoughts are 'maybe if I keep my faith where it is the Lord won't take my baby because he has to know I can't handle it'.  Then there is the reality check --  I can't be foolish enough to think that if I don't do anything to increase my faith the Lord will change his mind and his plans for this child.  I mean come on, let's get real --That is not how the Lord works and I know that.  I am hoping that these doubts were from Satan.  I'm sure he doesn't want me to do anything to increase my faith.

My other fear is that I still haven't learned what I was suppose to learn from Hailey's death and the two losses last year.  Maybe my lesson is that I am suppose to accept the Lord's will with a happy heart.  I really bombed that one after my last miscarriage.  I just can't honestly say that I will accept whatever happens with this baby.  I'm not there yet. 

The emotions of having another girl...

I have had so many emotions these last few months. I have wanted to write them down but didn't really want them public yet, so I didn't write them.  I do want to have them in my "journal", though, so I will be posting the emotions and issues I have been dealing with over the next little while.

My first and strongest desire for this baby is for her to be healthy and strong.  I pray that she comes out with an immune system like no other.  Before we knew that it was a girl, however, I had somewhat hoped that it would be a boy.  Many of the women I know that have lost children have the opposite sex when their next baby is born.  I had though that this would make it a little easier emotionally if we had a boy.  We have had a baby girl in our family for the last two years.  I felt it would be hard to have another girl and not get her confused (is that the right word?) with Hailey --if that makes sense.  After we found out this baby is a girl I told Aaron that we would need to figure out a name quickly so that I can start to change my association of my 'baby girl' being tied to Hailey.  I just don't want to be calling this new baby Hailey by accident.  It has already happened a couple of times.  As I mentioned in my last post I don't really have a desire to buy clothes.  For the past two years, though, as I have passed by the baby department I have looked at outfits and wondered how they would look on my sweet Hailey.  A few weeks ago we were passing the baby section in target when I thought 'that would be a cute outfit for.....Hailey', when I was actually thinking about the new baby.  I knew it would happen.

Having a new baby girl is not going to replace my other baby girl.  Unfortunately Hailey will never be anything but a baby girl in our minds, though, so I think it will take a while for the adjustment of 'two' baby girls.  And maybe the issue won't go away until this new baby is not a baby any more.  I just hope that she doesn't grow up being called Hailey all her life. 

Hope

I suppose that there is something that I should share.  My feelings and emotions since last October have been of hope and gratitude, yet fear and hesitation.  I felt the need to protect my heart.  As you can see from the picture below we are expecting.  From the moment we found out, which was an unexpected moment, Aaron and I both instantly guarded our hearts.  With the history of our losses in 2011 we just couldn't allow much hope to flow.  I, of course, immediately went to the doctor.  He verified that the baby was at least in my uterus and everything seemed to be as it should.  I still could not seem to feel any excitement.  I couldn't allow myself to even figure out the month in which this baby might be due.  I could not have another month that would come knowing that I should have had a baby in my arms.

It wasn't until I switched doctors at about 10 weeks that I found out I would be due in the beginning of July.  Even at that point and past the 12 week mark I struggled to let the hope catch hold and turn into excitement.  Knowing how precious each moment can be and how much we cherished our few days with Hailey before she passed away, one of my best friends reminded me that maybe even though this could still end in heartache I should try to cherish the moments I had with this baby.  She was right.  It has been easier said than done, though.  I haven't even announced this baby at church.  I'm pretty sure my belly is either giving it away these days or causing some gossip.  I still have no desire to look at baby clothes, which thankfully is okay because we have plenty from Hailey.  (I guess that gives away the sex -- it is a girl).  I did see a beautiful dark wood changing table and dresser at Costco the other day that actually started a little desire to buy things.  We have decided though, that we are not going to buy anything more than absolutely necessary (obviously some diapers will be needed) until after the baby has been here for a while.  We are not going to re-arrange kids rooms until.......I'm not sure when. 

I wish that there were a cut-off date where we would know for sure that she was here to stay forever.  Unfortunately I know too well that is not the case.  I know too many Angel mom's who have lost children at any given age.  Some even almost two to SIDS.  How can that be?  Everyday we are given is truly a gift because at any moment life on this earth can be taken away.  I think part of my hesitation in posting this also stems from the heartache that I know it will bring to those Angel mom's out there who have lost children, sometimes their only child, and still don't have another child.  I know the sadness that comes from hearing yet another announcement of a baby on the way when that is the one thing you want most.  It can be heartbreaking.

I was hoping that we would get a good picture of the baby at this ultrasound to put up here.  Unfortunately she had her face buried in my placenta throughout the appointment.  This was the best shot that we got of her from the side.

I know that other Angel mom's experience a lot of anxiety and fears when their other children come close to the age when their angel passed away.  I'm pretty sure that mine will start the minute she is born, if not before.  I have had the doctor do as many tests as possible up to this point to see if I have Staph and they have all come back negative.  That is a relief, but hospitals are full Staph, so since I have to have her in the hospital, and will be there for 3-4 days I will probably be the nurses worst nightmare.  This is all speculation of course.  I really have no idea how we are going to deal with this.  On one hand I want to put her in a bubble and not let a soul touch her.  On the other hand, what if she will only be with us a few days?  How can I deny my children the memories of holding her and smelling her and feeling her soft skin and tiny fingers and toes?  I can't.  How do I protect her, yet let our family love and cherish everything about her and every moment with her?  I don't know.  It is all really too much to think about and I can send myself to some really scary places if I allow myself too much time to think about the ifs and what-ifs so I usually stop myself and just don't go there.  For now we just take one day at a time and I am trying my hardest to cherish each day and each kick I feel.