Are we ready yet?

Okay, physically I am definitely in a much better place than I was a few weeks ago when I posted.  As I mentioned we do now have diapers and wipes, all the baby clothes have been washed and I was even able to find a place to keep them (Lexy's closet and bottom dresser drawer) even though this baby doesn't really have a room.  I have the kids bag packed to go to Mimi's, I have boiled bottles and pump equipment (and re-read instruction booklets), I have my list of To-Do's made for the next three days so that I can have all clean clothes for the family (buys me at least a week without laundry, right?), a stocked refrigerator, bills paid and I do at least have everything listed that I want to take to the hospital although the bag is not completely packed.  So, physically.....physically I am feeling much more prepared for this baby.

Emotionally.......Emotionally is another story.  We just don't know how to handle having another baby when Hailey died from something that most humans have on their body. How do we keep this baby safe when the bacteria that took Hailey's life will be surrounding us? As I mentioned before we talked to a Pediatric Infectious Disease Specialist (PIDS).   It was a great visit.  We have an entire protocol of body washes and ointments that the entire family will be using for the first week of the baby's life.  It adds a little stress to our lives, but it at least helps us feel that we will be doing everything we can possibly do to keep her safe.  I am going to pump for the first few days while they test my milk to make sure that it is safe since I had such a horrible infection when Hailey died.  Both my OB and the PIDS said that my milk should be fine but that testing it for peace of mind is probably a good idea.  So the plan is that the baby will have formula until we know that my milk is okay and then we will give that a try.  If I start to get any cracking or bleeding though I will have to stop immediately and just go with the bottle.  The PIDS also said that she wondered if Hailey had something else going on.  She said the fact that I had such a hard time getting her to latch on could have been a sign for something called Chronic Granuloma Disease.  It affects the baby's neutrophils (or white blood cells) which could have been the reason that she couldn't fight the infection.  She has recommended that this baby be tested within the first week so we will be doing that next week some time.

I want to love this baby and snuggle her and kiss her and I want the kids to do the same just in case the Lord takes her away.  I want us all to have the memories of loving and enjoying her to the fullest in case that is all we have.  I want tons of pictures and video.  AND YET..... I want her in a bubble.  I don't want anyone near her.  I want the kids and their germs a thousand miles away.  How do we do both of those things?  Can we be cautious without being complete germ freaks.  I don't want the kids to be paranoid or afraid to touch her or to think that maybe Hailey died because of their germs (which Lexy has already asked me about).  How do we find a happy medium emotionally?

Everyone is so convinced that everything will be fine with this baby.  Is that because they just cannot fathom the Lord taking another child?  I know too many Angel mom's who have lost multiple children.  I have tried to pray for peace and comfort, but have not received it, so what does that mean?  It is near impossible for me to move forward with faith.  I just can't seem to let my guard down.  I didn't even want to open the baby bottles I bought to boil them because 'what if I don't even get to use them'? 

Our grief therapist (who we still see occasionally) suggested that I need to "row the boat and wait for it to appear".  In other words I need to move forward with the faith that this baby will be fine.  I have been trying to do that, which allowed me to open some of the things I bought, like the bottles.  I hope that once the baby comes some how we will be able to relax and move forward with more faith.  I can tell that even the kids are feeling emotional about this baby.  Nathan has asked multiple times throughout this pregnancy about how long this baby will live and what if she goes to heaven with Hailey.  How do you answer those questions?  All I can say to him is that I hope that this baby will get to live on earth with us until she is 100.

I can feel so many of the emotions surrounding Hailey's death coming back.  In the mornings and evenings in bed I see her little body with all the tubes and the doctor and nurses.  I hear myself asking my mom if she can bring the kids to the hospital to say good-bye.  I remember the doctor doing CPR multiple times and finally realizing that she was dying in front of my eyes and then finally telling him to stop.  I don't know how I am not just going to hold this new baby and cry nonstop.  What if she looks like Hailey?  What if she cries like her?  How do I handle all of this?  How do I be strong so that my children are okay emotionally?  I don't know.......      I just.don't.know.