A new picture of Hailey's tree

I wanted to place an updated picture of Hailey's Angel Tree on here so you can see how beautiful it is. Unfortunately the picture doesn't do it justice. We love it looking at it. I really brings me peace and comfort. We have tried to count the ornaments -which I have to add is nearly impossible- but we know that we have over 100 and are so grateful to everyone who has sent us an angel.

These last couple of days have been good. I had a hard day on Monday. I kept coming across things like receipts for baby items, Hailey's card that the hospital placed on her bed and other misc items that had been so exciting and brought so much joy and anticipation. Looking at them makes me remember all those wonderful feelings and now to have sadness and pain in place of them - well, it just made for a bad day.

I am grateful that I don't have those days everyday. I am grateful that most of the time I feel fairly strong. I don't remember if I posted this before, but Aaron and I were talking about the fact that we have physically felt the prayers that have been said on our behalf. We know that most of our strength at this time has come from the prayers of our family and friends. Thank you! We could not be making it through this time without all of you. Thanks to all of you who call to check in on us and for those of you who have helped keep us busy so that we have less "quiet time". We love you all!

A child's grief

Since Aaron and I have never had to deal with this kind of tragedy in our lives the grieving process is completely new to us. It has done really weird things to us that we never expected. We would have thought that one who was grieving would be extremely sad and possibly depressed. That might cause us to feel like staying in bed all day or just not motivated to do things. Gratefully I haven't had the desire to stay in bed all day and I don't think that Aaron has either. It does help to have two children who need us and require for us to be up and functioning.


The thing that has really caught me of guard about grief is the way that it has totally destroyed my mind. I'm not sure it is something that I can explain well enough for anyone who hasn't gone through it to truly understand it. There is a blanket of fog over my brain like I have never experienced before. Most women have experienced the pregnancy or "mom" fog that comes with having kids - you just can't remember things or feel very "spacey". The fog Aaron and I have now is 10 times as bad. I know there is something in there that I am suppose to be thinking, but for the life of me I can't find it. I have always been a math person - call me a dork, but I love figuring out problems. I made a large batch of hot chocolate the other day and was dividing it up so the kids could take it to their teachers. I needed more hot chocolate and wanted to make sure that one more batch would be enough. I sat in the kitchen completely perplexed and for the life of me could not figure out mathematically if the batch would divide into what I needed. What is that????


Things at the office that I would normally handle with no problems, like the need for flood insurance make me freeze because I don't know where to start. I sit there completely overwhelmed by this simple task. I wanted to cook roast the other night and was at the grocery store. I was able to buy the roast, but couldn't come up with anything else that I needed. By the grace of Heaven I had the other ingredients at home, but hadn't even thought of anything else to go with the dish like rolls or a salad so we just ate roast. Actually I discovered some rolls in the freezer from when my mother-in-law was here so we did have rolls too, but not because I planned for them.

This post doesn't sound like it has anything to do with the title "A child's grief". We as adults are able to sit and analyze the way we are feeling. I know my brain is in a complete nonfunctional fog. My poor children though don't have the ability to figure out why they feel different. Nathan has always been my sensitive boy. He has always reacted to my emotions. Since Hailey passed away we have been struggling with some serious attitude and emotional issues. There were so many changes that happened in such a short time - grandparents in town and in charge, then a new baby at home, then no more baby, and a mom and dad who are sad and crying. I can't imagine how that has turned Lexy and Nathan's world upside down. Aaron and I have struggled with how to handle these melt downs that Nathan has been having. He almost throws a tantrum like a 2 year old. Do we give time-out? Do we sit and cuddle? We met with a counselor last week and she suggested that if he is doing something that under "normal" circumstances would have resulted in a time-out, then we should continue to give the time-out and follow it up with extra hugs and reassurance and maybe even some discussion about Hailey.


I have still been struggling with how Nathan reacts to things. He just falls apart and starts screaming and crying about things that seem so silly. It must have been my own brain fog that kept me wondering why he was reacting this way -- duh! Thankfully I had a moment the other day where my fog temporarily cleared and I began to understand his grief. The kitchen counters were a mess - Christmas cards, my purse, the car keys, my phone, baskets, kids cups and a glass of water. I don't remember what I was doing, but I knocked over the glass of water which drenched everything in it's path. Normally this would have been inconvenient, but at that moment my first reaction was to completely fall apart and sit on the floor and cry. I held it together, but as I glanced over at my sweet boy, who was at that moment sitting in time-out for hitting, I understood. Things are just the same for him as they are for me. He is overwhelmed by things that normally are no big deal. He just doesn't have the ability to analyze his feelings or express them in any other way. I am so grateful for this insight I was given. I feel I can be a little more patient with him because he lost his baby too and he is just as sad as I am. And on top of the fog that has covered his brain the poor child only has the ability to comprehend all this on like an eighth of the ability that I do. How hard this must be for him. How confused he must be.


We still have a lot to learn and a lot more grief to pass through before this fog begins to clear. I hope that everyone can be patient with us as we try to be patient with ourselves and each other. I would like to think that with each new day the grief, the fog, the confusion will lessen and it will over time, but at this point each new day can still bring new emotions, new forms of grief, and I think that if we just focus on the day we are in we will have the strength to make it through. Today I feel strong so far. I was able to get out of bed with only a few small tears. So I will make it through today and tomorrow I will deal with tomorrow.

Aaron's Talk from Hailey's Service

I have been wanting to put Aaron's talk on here, but didn't want to do it without asking him first. I finally remembered and with his permission I put his talk below.

Remembering Hailey Elizabeth

November 29, 2009

As I look out among you today I see many faces of loved ones, friends and family. I am so thankful that you all have come to support our family. I speak for all of us when we say thank you for all the loving support you have shown to our family.

We have experienced inexplicable joy and the deepest of sorrow in the last nine days. We welcomed one of God's choicest spirits into our family. The love and beauty and joy that Hailey brought into our lives was intense, immediate and all encompassing. I am so sorry that most of you never got to know her. I only hope that I can paint a picture for you of the amazing person that she was.

I was so proud of this little girl. We were all so excited to meet her and get to know her personality. I was blessed to hold her after she was born and bring her to meet her mommy for the first time. I was able to welcome her into this world and show her only love and kindness. I got to carry Hailey into the recovery room and place her on her little warming table and look on as the nurses gave her a sponge bath. I touched her skin and talked to her. I studied every little feature of her angelic face and tiny hands and feet. She was a little unsettled with this new experience outside of the womb. She needed the comfort only her mommy could provide. She did stop fussing the moment Melica was brought into the recovery room.

I was amazed at how serene and regal Hailey was. She never really cried much after that moment in the recovery room with her mommy. I was amazed at the intense gaze that she had into the eyes of her family. She was a sleepy baby for the most part, but when she opened her eyes and looked into yours, you connected with her deeply. She wanted me to know that she loved me and was thankful for helping her on her journey.

I was able to spend three days with her in the hospital just getting to know her. When she had trouble falling asleep, I would swaddle her in a blanket and lay her on my chest. Yes, I did become an expert swaddler! She was so content and I loved her with my whole being as she rested there. When we brought her home we all got to care for her. Lexy and Nathan were such big helpers and were so gentle with her. Hailey gazed into their eyes just as she did Melica's and mine as to say "I love you brother and sister". I changed lots of diapers it seemed in those six days. This is certainly not a task I cherished in the past, but I considered it an honor to serve Hailey. The nurses even commented on how good I was at it. I don't mean to brag on myself but Hailey had the best diaper changer and swaddler.

I would wake up each morning and thank the Lord for my little sweet angel. I was excited to hold her and kiss her. It was tough to go to work each day and I counted down the hours until I could go home for lunch and be with my family. I don't normally go home for lunch, but I did every day that week. I was there for her first sponge bath and was able to take pictures. I took the one of her on her blue towel that you see down in front on Wednesday.

Hailey was a big fan of the pacifier from day one. This was a blessing for her and for us. When we had to rush Hailey to the hospital on Thanksgiving the nurses had to take blood for tests. I was able to dip her little pacifier in sugar water and hold it for her. This helps babies to endure pain. I was honored to serve her and be there for her in her darkest hours. We held her and comforted her as long as we could. After doing all that the doctors could do they informed us that little Hailey's body could no longer endure. Melica and I then knew that she had to go back home. We were able to go to her side and kiss her face and tell her we loved her and that we would be reunited with her one day. Melica gave her permission to go.

I want to publicly thank my wife for the amazing woman that she is. I stand in awe of her strength and courage. Mothers are in partnership with God and they serve as vessels for the purest of spirits. Mothers perform a sacred duty and they do it with no thought of themselves. I can only strive to be a father equal to that of my children's mother. I want Alexys and Nathan to know how much we love them. I want to be the kind of father that my children deserve to have.

I believe that parenthood is an awesome responsibility. We believe that we lived with our Father in Heaven as spirit children of his before we came to this earth. Our mission is to come to this earth and gain a physical body and live our lives in such a way that would allow us to return home to live with our Father in Heaven again. God planned for us to be born into a family and that parents are responsible for providing physical and spiritual nourishment for each child.

I have felt that the veil between this life and the next has been very thin this last week. The Lord has provided comfort to our family in many ways. The promise of being able to have Hailey with us again is comforting. It was only moments after Hailey passed that I told Melica of the dream I had the night Hailey was born. I was sleeping there on the hospital room couch when I had a dream that Hailey had passed away. The dream was subtle in that Hailey was not herself, but a little teddy bear. It seemed silly that my child was a teddy bear and not a real baby, but sometimes dreams don't make sense. I remember feeling an intense sense of loss and sadness in that dream. I woke up and thought about it, but I dismissed it and put it out of my mind. It was not until Hailey was gone that I realized why I had the dream. The Lord has prepared us for this event in subtle ways and I can now see his tender mercy at work.

I know that our Heavenly Father knows me as an individual. He is aware of our little family and what our needs are, even before we ask. I have learned in my life up to this point that Heavenly Father blesses me with understanding after passing through trials. I have really been blessed in my life and have not had to endure many trials. I was raised in a wonderful family and was shown a lot of love and support. I have not had to struggle with many of life's tragedies because I was raised to obey the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ. The gospel principles are not given to restrict us, but to provide us with a road map for making correct choices that will afford us the blessings that naturally come from obedience. I don't mean to say that if you do everything right, you will be spared from grief or pain. I only know that when tragedy does come you may be given the strength to endure your trials. The scriptures are full of examples of overcoming trials through your faith. The Lord has told us that he will not give us any trials that we are not able to bare, if we put our trust in him. We have choices to make in this life. We cannot choose what happens to us, we may only choose how we will react. We will choose to live better and love deeper so that we may be worthy to live as an eternal family with Hailey.

I would like to encourage you all to go home today and hug your babies. Love people more freely and look for the good in others. Hailey's life has impacted not only our family, but hopefully all of yours after today. We will not be the same family now. We will live with more purpose and intensity. I believe we are all here to complete our life's mission until we are all one day called back home to our Father in Heaven.

Hailey Elizabeth was too perfect for this earth. She was not required to go through the process of refinement as a result of trials. She will never have to endure the hardships we have to face. All she ever knew was the loving touch of those who cared for her. I cannot think of a better life than that. I am honored to call Hailey daughter and will cherish her all the days of my life until I can hold her in my arms once again.

(I just have to note that I am very aggravated with blogger right now because no matter how many spaces I put between the paragraphs it randomly decided which ones it was going to space and the others it just smashed them together. If anyone has any advice on how to make this dumb program do what I want I will gladly take it!)

The doctor's explanation

The dress that we buried Hailey in.

My only picture of Hailey's feet... all dress in white.

We received Hailey's death certificate a few days after her funeral. On it the cause of death stated the following: Septic shock, Sepsis, Meningitis, Bacteremia, Staphylococcus Aureus. Obviously that is a lot more than we expected to see on there and although we felt like we knew what those things were we felt like we needed a little more explanation.

Last Thursday we were able to sit down with the doctor that treated Hailey in the emergency room and the Children's ICU and ask him some questions. We were a little nervous about this meeting, hoping that it wouldn't just bring more pain. We also worried that the doctor would feel like we were there to find fault and would be hesitant to talk to us. We said a prayer before we went in asking that the doctor would say things that would help us feel peace about Hailey's cause of death.

The doctor was very kind. He told us that he was so sorry and that although he only knew Hailey for a few hours he had become invested in her life and he could only imagine the pain we were experiencing. He explained that some how Hailey had been infected with Staph Aureus. There is no way for us to know where it came from. It is a very common bacteria found on all of our bodies and in our mucus membranes. She was only at the hospital and at home. We didn't take her out anywhere and no one held her but hospital staff and our families. She could have gotten it at the hospital or picked it up from one of us - we will never know. He also said that because babies have no immune system she could have been infected for a few days or only a few hours before we saw any signs.

We wanted to know if we missed signs that she was sick. Because babies don't have immune systems they do not get fevers - this is something I did not know. Their bodies don't have the ability to fight infections like ours, where we would normally get a fever. Somehow the Staph Aureus made it into Hailey's blood stream. That is when it became fatal. Once it was in her blood it spread through her entire body - into every organ and tissue. This caused her body to start to shut down and get cold. The one and only sign we saw was her blue lips, hands, and feet - her temperature was 94.9. The doctor informed us that by the time we saw this it was her bodies way of coping - she was in shock. Her liver and kidneys had already been destroyed and her body was starting to shut down - she was in septic shock.

During our conversation he said, "I don't know if you believe in a higher power, but with Hailey's case I just have to think that someone up there had a different plan for her". This brought us the comfort that we needed. To hear a medical doctor, not of our religion, state that she had somewhere else she was suppose to be, reconfirmed our feelings. Even though we know this already we still need that reassurance.

Grief is a funny thing. Sometimes I feel really strong and know that Hailey fulfilled her mission on earth and feel peace with where she is. Other times I am not so strong and I think of the few hours before she turned blue - what did I miss? What should I have seen? There must have been something I could have done to save her life! In those dark times I have to some how bring myself back to the peace that I know must be deep down inside. Sometimes I just need that reassurance that she is were she is suppose to be and that as the doctor said "someone up there had a different plan for her".

We are grateful that we were able to meet with the doctor. He reassured us that we did everything right. There was nothing else we could have done differently. Once babies get an infection they can pass away within a few hours. She was suppose to go back home. That knowledge brings peace, but unfortunately it doesn't always take away the pain.

What we need...

I know that friends want to know what they can do for us at this time. I have been trying to figure out what I need so that I can let you know. All I know right now is that silence is really hard to deal with. If I am not busy and distracted then grief usually takes over. Even when I am busy, random thoughts like "I should be pushing my baby in a stroller with me as I walk around this mall" pop into my head. If I am not thinking about something specific then I am usually thinking about Hailey. Depending on the day, and more specifically the moment, this does not always mean tears. Sometimes I am strong and feel peace. Other times the sorrow is too much and I can't hold the tears back.

I have been following a blog of a mother that lost her little girl in a drowning accident. I accidentally found it about a year and a half ago and have followed it ever since. I am taking one of her posts and adding it to the bottom of this post. Her name is Stephanie and she created this post about six weeks after she lost her little girl. It was helpful for me as I had a friend lose her little boy just a few weeks later. I thought I would post it for a lack of knowing what else to say about this subject. I feel that most of this post is pretty accurate. I thought about adding my comments to it, but I think I will just leave it as she wrote it for now. I hope this is helpful.

I do want to say THANK YOU for everything that everyone has done so far -- the flowers, the dinners, the cards, the angel ornaments (I will need to post a new picture as I think we have received close to 80 ornaments so far), and the books. (Stephanie comments on books -- I have received a couple and they have been helpful for me, so thank you for the books, too). We have felt so loved by so many thus far and it really has helped us. We cannot express the gratitude that we have enough. THANK YOU!


How to Treat a Friend Who Has Suffered a Loss
by Stephanie
To all those who have done things for and communicated with me. THANK YOU. I know anything you have done or said was an expression of your love and concern for me. I have not been offended by anything anyone has said to me and I appreciate everything people have done for me and given to me. I hope nothing I write will offend any of you or make you think I didn't appreciate something you said or did for me.

Why am I writing this guide? I grew up surrounded by brothers. I often got my feelings hurt by them. My mother taught me early in my life, "Men are obtuse. If you want them to say something or do something, you have to tell them exactly what you want them to say or do." That helped immensely in my family life, dating life, and married life. The same principal applies now. Fortunately, few have been in these terribly painful shoes. At the same time, few know what to do or say.

Luckily, my bishop visited with us in the hospital and on the Sunday Camille died. He took some time informing our church congregation of the news and relaying instructions on how I wanted people to treat me -- what not to say or do and how I would like people to treat me. For all the others out there who do not have this kind of preparation given, I write this guide.

So, someone you know has suffered a great loss. What should you do? What can you say?
I haven't suffered every kind of loss, but I think some of the things in the following guideline will apply to most kinds of loss and for most people. Those of you who have suffered similar loss, feel free to add your opinion in the comments. Those whose loved ones are suffering loss, if I do not address one of your questions of concerns, ask me in a comment and I will see what I can do about that.

1) Acknowledge the Loss. -- Don't let your fear of doing or saying the wrong thing keep you from doing or saying anything. It is important that your friend know you care. How you acknowledge the loss depends on your relationship with the person.

For a stranger - a blog comment, or if you have their address a note telling them how their loss has made you or the world better in some way. My sister in law was deeply affected by a tragedy last year in her neighborhood. A family in a minivan was hit from behind by a semi and their 3 children were all killed. Since this accident a year ago, every time my sister in law passes that exit on the freeway she tells her 3 kids that she loves them. That type of thing is great to relay to the grieving parents.

For a friend or acquaintance - Send a card, an email, flowers, a text message, a voice message, a contribution to a charity. Let them know you are thinking of them and praying for them. If you want to send a gift -- see my notes on the best gifts below.
When you see them for the first time after -- It is best to just give them a quick tight hug and tell them "I love you." Saying you are so sorry for their loss, crying, or talking in depth about the loss just brings up the feelings of pain we are trying so hard to work through. Also, be careful about the look in your eyes. Try to give a look of tender love and confidence. I know it is hard to control things like crying and the look of pity because seeing us makes you think of the loss and it saddens you. But what we need is love, not pity.

For a close friend - This is where things get tricky. We need different things at different times depending on the stage of grief we are in and how we are feeling that hour. When in doubt, ask your friend "What do you need right now? Space, a shoulder, a distraction, a joke, cookies, chocolate, Wii time?" Give them what they need at the time and don't expect the answer will be the same the next day or even the next hour. My friend Kathryn sent me my favorite Sprinkles cupcakes mix!The Red Velvet Chocotherapy was delicious! Thanks Kathryn!

Serve your friend. Most people will not tell you when they really need something. I highly recommend insisting on serving. Don't ask if they need help cleaning. Just show up with your gloves on a cleaner in your hand and ask to see their bathroom. After my first miscarriage, a friend of mine called to see if she could come clean my house. I was hesitant. I couldn't do it but my mom was coming and she could. My friend insisted. "I will clean your place so your mom can spend time tending you," she said. She came over and got on her hands and knees and scrubbed my gross bathroom and cleaned my whole apartment. I will admit, I was a little embarrassed at first, but that act of service forged a bond of love for this friend that is unbreakable. I love Daleen and 8 years later we still are great friends even though we have lived in different cities for the last 6 years. She will be in town visiting me next week. Yeah!

I had so many old friends who came to the funeral. That is another thing a close friend should do if it is possible. Go to the funeral. If it is long distance, your friend will likely not expect you to come. But if you do make that extraordinary effort, your friend will appreciate it.

Family - Come. If it is at all possible, come as soon as you can to surround your family member in unconditional, nonjudgemental love and support. Then do anything you can to help them. Do all the things I wrote in the close friend section. But most importantly just be with them. Even if you don't talk. Just be near them.

2) Want to send a gift?
For Children -- When there is a child involved, sending a fun surprise really can take their mind off of their sorrow for a while. I think "doing types" of gifts are wonderful. My children loved the crafts people sent. My kids happen to really love stuffed animals, I know not all kids do, but mine do and they received several that they treasure. Happy mail from other kids is also a great treat for kids.

For Men: My husband tells me guys don't want stuff. They want distraction -- escapism. They want a guy friend to call them up and invite them out for a guy movie or a game of baseball or whatever else they are into. I have said this before but I also think the Wii or those kinds of distractions are good.

For Women: Sentimental gifts probably top my list. Photos, songs, DVDs, poems, the locket I got, the scrapbook, the magic blanket, tulips. Every gift says "I love you" and so every gift is wonderful.

Books:
Most people who experience a loss also receive a number of grief books. I am no exception. The only problem with grief books is that it is VERY difficult to read anything of any length when you are submerged in grief. Your brain just cannot focus on something other than that which is lost for more than a few moments. So reading ... well ... I managed to skim one or two books on helping children through their grief because I felt it was necessary for me to know this as a mother. That was so hard to do though. I am an avid reader and I have only managed to read one light historical fiction book. It was a bit of escapism for me but even then I was not as into it as I would normally have been. It took weeks before I could even watch TV (well except for SYTYCD). Reading takes so much more concentration than that. I am getting to the point where I think I could read more now, but I am still not up for any book about sad things.
I am sure there is great information in the books that I have. I am not saying no one should send grief books. But I think it would be more helpful if you took the time to read the book before you sent it and pick a few quotes that you think will be the most helpful to the person. Then type those quotes up and insert them in the book with a card. Inspiring and comforting quotes can be uplifting and strengthening. A few salient quotes are about the amount your brain can focus on when drowning in grief. Then later when the brain is more stable, the person can read the book for themselves.

3) Long term care:
Time is a strange thing. I see the date on my calendar is late July but to me it still seems like June. The last 6 weeks have been a blur. The world is moving on, moving forward, but for me, it is strange to think it isn't still June. If someone close to you has lost someone in their immediate family, you should assume that this will be a sorrow to them the rest of their mortal lives. They may not always talk about it. They may not always think about it. But it will never completely go away. I think it is great to "check up on" a friend a couple months after the loss again just to let them know you haven't forgotten their pain. I may write another post on this down the road when I have more experience with the long term end of it.

4) Remembering: You should not be afraid to mention those who have died. We who miss them most enjoy remembering them. We want others to remember them too. They are part of our family whether they are on earth or in heaven. But here I must add a caution. We want to remember our little one but we DO NOT want to remember the circumstances surrounding their death. For most of us, the day our child died or the day they were in the accident that would take their life was the WORST day of our lives. Personally, it is something I want to forever blot out of my memory. So, while it is natural to wonder about the details surrounding how a child died, DO NOT ask this of the grieving parent. If they want to tell you they will do it of their own accord. In the case of accidents, they have already had to relive the experience by telling it to the cops, CPS, and the coroner. Every time I have to tell someone about this day I am immediately taken right back there to all the horrid emotions and crippling questions that surround those events. "How" is just not that important. If you have to ask someone, ask a friend of the family, not the family itself.

5) How are you?: This is an unavoidable question in human society. We answer it everyday several times from loved ones and strangers. It becomes a dreaded question when you are dying inside and don't want to share that with the asker. For those of you grieving, I have found that "I am doing well right now" to be a good answer. If I am not doing well, I stay silent and nod my head. Or I say "good days and bad days." I am sure you have found your own strategies for answering this question as well.

For the askers, if you are really close to the person, I think it is okay to ask. Personally, I am not bothered by this question, but I know many others are. But for most friends, it is better if you just skip that question and say, "Hi. It is great to see you/hear your voice ..." then go onto the business of your call or visit.

I hope this helps some of you know how to deal with those who have experienced loss. I may have another installment later if I think of more things or if there are enough questions that need answering. Till then I will answer one of your burning questions. "How am I?"
"Today I am doing very well."

Message from Santa for Alexys

Click on the title above to see a special message that Santa sent to Lexy.

Message from Santa for Nathan

Click on the title above to see the special message that Santa sent to Nathan.