Happy 2nd Birthday Hailey!

Unfortunately I don't have any picture to put up because my friend Kirsten took the pictures (she is a budding photographer) this afternoon and I haven't had the chance to get the copies from her yet.  But I couldn't let the day go without wishing my sweet Angel Happy Birthday. 

I have been wanting to post for a while now, but just haven't taken the time.  Thank you to the amazing friends that I have who sent us notes and gifts letting us know that you are thinking about us.  It really means so much to know that Hailey is not being forgotten by those who aren't even her family.  We do have the Angel tree up (which I am assuming I posted last year that we changed to the "kids" tree so that Lexy and Nathan felt just as special).  I love the new Angel ornaments that we have been able to add to it this year.  It amazes me that we haven't collected them all yet. 

As Aaron was handing the boxes with Hailey's ornaments down from the attic we had a mishap and one went crashing to the floor.  I was immediately devastated because I just knew from the sound that there couldn't be anything that wasn't broken left in that box.  I carried all the other boxes inside and couldn't bring myself to even look in the one still on the floor.  Finally as we had almost finished decorating the tree I went out and brought in the last box.  I opened it and to our amazement we only lost two ornaments.  I was so grateful that so many of the ornaments had been spared.  We tried to glue the two back together, but it didn't work so we had to let them go.

These last two years have been the hardest of my life.  This year has been especially hard losing two more babies.  I have really struggled.  My faith has really struggled.  My hope has been all but gone for most of this year, it seems.  It has just been hard.  I had an angel move in across the street.  She is not of my faith, but is one of the most spiritual women I know.  She has been such a good example to me and has shared things that have really helped me at times.  One of them is a book called Streams in the Desert.  It has a message or devotional for each day of the year.  I have been reading it regularly and many times it seems it has been written just for me.  One of the messages that really touched me is as follows:

"A bar of steel worth five dollars, when wrought into horseshoes, is worth ten dollars.  If made into needles, it is worth three hundred and fifty dollars; if into penknife blades, it is worth thirty-two thousand dollars, if into springs for watches it is worth two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.  What a drilling the poor bar must undergo to be worth this!  But the more it is manipulated, the more it is hammered and passed through the fire, and beaten and pounded and polished, the greater the value. 

May this parable help us to be silent, still, and longsuffering.  Those who suffer most are capable of yielding most; and it is through pain that God is getting the most out of us, for His glory and the blessing of others.

Life is very mysterious.  Indeed it would be inexplicable unless we believed that God was preparing us for scenes and ministries that lie beyond the veil of sense in the eternal world, where highly tempered spirits will be required for special service."

I really loved this when I read it.  I feel like I have been hammered and passed through this fire more in these last two years than I can handle.  It brought me peace to think that maybe there is a purpose for all this.  I can't see it now - and it has all but ruined me this year.  Even though I haven't felt as strong these last five months I know that I can't give up.  I have two beautiful children here that depend on me.  I refuse to let my questions and lack of faith change the path that we have them on.  I do feel that slowly I am getting my faith back.  Slowly I am coming out of this funk that I have been in.  I hope that on Hailey's birthday next year I will be writing a whole new story- one filled with Faith.  For now, though, I am working hard not to give up Hope.

Happy Birthday Hailey!  I love you!!!

Venice Triathlon

Training for this triathlon has been really good for me.  It has given me something to focus on and put my energy into.  It gave me a personal purpose.  I think sometimes as mom's we have a purpose, but it is for everyone else - our kids, our husbands, our homes.  This was something just for me and I loved it.  It has always been hard for me as a mom to dedicate time just for me.  I always think there is something more important I should be doing.  I also think that I have had a hard time finding something that I love.  I loved playing in band when I was younger.  Laugh if you must, but music touches my soul and creating the music is something I have always loved.  Now years have passed and I find that I hardly remember the notes.  I mostly played the flute and the trumpet, but for six months of my senior year I tried the french horn.   It is a beautiful instrument and I would love to play it again some day.  I always thought if I got "selfish" enough to take some "me time" I would take lessons -- and I probably will some day, but for now this training has become my new love.

This year has been such a hard one for me emotionally, even physically, at times.  It was so hard to go through another c-section in February and again have no baby.  Then the excitement of another pregnancy in June, only to lose that baby too.  I never realized the lasting effects that miscarriages have on those who experience them.  There is a due date tied to those lost babies that never leaves our minds.  Even though sometimes the hope and excitement only gets to last for a week or more, us mom's are emotionally tied to those babies for life.  There is always a little piece of our heart that is lost with them.

Julia picked this triathlon for us.  I fought the fact that the swimming was in the ocean.  I much preferred to swim in the pool (and still do).  But I think that she was inspired.  This is the weekend that I would most likely have been scheduled for my c-section to have the baby we lost in February.  It was going to be an emotional time for me, but instead of focusing on my loss I was focusing on my strength.  I was pushing my self in a way I'm not sure I ever have before.

I knew the swimming was going to be difficult for me.  I have never really swam in my life and because of that I put it off until the beginning of August after the kids started school.  Not too smart, I know.  Now that the tri is over I know I should have had more practice, but I made it.  Julia did awesome and smoked all of us with her swimming time.  Me on the other hand, I barely survived the swim --really -- it was the hardest thing I have ever done.  My transition times could use some improvement, but for my first time I think they were fine.  I was pleased with my bike time.  My running time was the best I've ever done.  I don't feel I can take full credit for it though because I really felt that Hailey was there carrying me at times.  In fact I had a distinct feeling at one point that I had more than Hailey with me.  I'm so grateful for those times when I get to feel her close.  They don't happen as often as they use to.  I always cherish when it does. Because I did so well with my running I was actually able to catch and pass my 'baby' sister. (hope you don't mind me sharing that, Julia :o)  As you will see on the video we finished the race together -- which I loved!

So, there were so many pictures from the triathlon that I thought a video would work better. I loved the whole experience and am really excited to try it again! There is one next month on Marco Island, but I discovered it is on a Sunday so I guess I will have to keep looking. Would anyone else like to join me????

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

WE DID IT!!!!!

I can't say the number of times that Julia, Sterling and I said how well we were going to sleep tonight. Last night we only got about 4 1/2 hours of sleep before we had to wake up at 4:15 to prepare for our triathlon. However, as I laid down to go to sleep I think I really started to allow myself to take in and appreciate what I - what we - accomplished today when we completed our first Sprint Triathlon. I just started to get really excited and pleased with how well we all did and then I couldn't sleep. I want to get all of the pictures and the story on the blog, but because there are so many pictures and it is already midnight, I thought I would just get this picture of us at the end. We did it.... We. did. it! I am so proud of us and all of our hard work and that we made it through this and none of us had to walk at all. 1/4 mile swim - 12.5 mile bike - 5k run and WE. DID. IT!

My Grandmother

This is a picture of my Grandmother. We call her Gammie. I wish I knew how old she was here. Maybe my mom or aunt will know. She was such a strong woman. As my mom said, she was a pioneer. She was married to a man who was in the military. Her first child was still-born and her husband chose not to come home on leave when this happened. She decided that she did not want to live her life with a man like that so at a time when divorce was not common, she divorced him. Later she married my grandfather, who was just as amazing as she was, and they grew old together. I have always admired her strength and her courage. All us "Davis" girls can be a bit strong-willed at times. We proudly say that came from Gammie.

She passed away yesterday morning. We were able to go and visit with her in the hospital. I rubbled her hands and feet. I helped adjust the oxygen mask she had to wear. I put vitamin E oil on her lips. I gave her sips of water. I told her that I loved her and that it was okay for her to let go and go join my grandfather. I told her to hug and kiss my grandfather, then hug and kiss her baby girl, and finally to hug and kiss my sweet baby girl.

My parents, sister, brother-in-law, aunt, uncle, cousins and I all stayed with her while they changed the C-pap oxygen to just regular oxygen and gave her morphine for comfort. We stayed and prayed for Heavenly Father to take her, yet she hung on. My dad, Julia, Sterling and I finally decided that we needed some sleep at 3:30 Sunday morning. I had been up for over 24 hours so we left for the hotel. She passed away 20 minutes later. Yesterday I was feeling at peace with her passing, but today I am struggling. I have had too many losses this year. I am not going to write about that now. For now I will just say that my soul aches. I am sad. I really need my faith to get me through yet another loss, however it has been gone for a while and I am struggling. For now I need to just breathe. Maybe I can focus on faith later. One step at a time.

I love and miss you Gammie......until we meet again.

Memorial Day

We had a really nice Memorial Day this year. My brother, his wife and daughter came down for the week. We had a nice get together with the Browne's, Fernandez's and all of our family (except Julia and Sterling). They arrived later. We started at the pool then made our way home for a BBQ with hamburgers, hot dogs, and bratwursts....mmmmmm! Unfortunately we don't have any pictures of the first half of the day. :(


A little later in the day we decided to play a "friendly" game of kickball. It was all of us "adult" kids, spouses and Nathan. I have to be honest - I don't remember the last time I played kickball. I had to be refreshed on the rules.....continuously....throughout the game. So sad!



Here Julia is free to get first base because I am trying to get Jonathan before he makes it to second.

It's hard to see in this picture, but Julia has a very determined look on her face. I think she got me too.

And poor Nathan. You'd think she would give him a little break.....nope. :o) He was out too!

My dad was the camera man here. If only he had gotten a little lower so we could see what was really going on here.

As you can see, Julia was not the only one with determination to pound someone with the ball. Even though we don't have pictures to show it, I think we all had moments where we lost control.

It was a really fun day. We ended our day with a trip to Yogurt Mountain...yum! It was great to be together with everyone - to share stories, laughs and some sibling rivalry........speaking of which, my brother thought it would be a good six months before I got these pictures up here, so being the good sister that I am....I had to prove him wrong! (I'm sure it was a little reverse psychology on his part, so we both win). Love ya Jonathan!!

Strength From Above

I feel like throughout my life I have gone through very short periods where I start to see and use my full potential. Where I have an inner strength beyond my imagination. Before Hailey passed away I probably had those moments a couple of times. I don't know where they came from and many times I tried to get that strength back but couldn't find it. So many times I would try to get that strength back to lose weight. I would get so frustrated when I would give in to my weakness and fall of the wagon.

I still struggle with trying to find that strength, but I feel like since Hailey passed away I see glimpses of it more often. Right after she passed away I prayed all day long to feel her close to me and to feel her strength. In July of last year when I decided to lose weight for the millionth time I really relied on her strength. Anytime I was tempted to eat something I shouldn't I would think about her up there in heaven watching me and I would put whatever it was down. I felt so strong and like I could conquer anything I wanted to.... I saw my full potential. I wish that was something that I could feel all the time. I think since I reached my weight goal I have lost some of that. I think as time has passed I have started trying to rely on my own strength again.

About a month ago, Julia and I decided to train for a sprint triathlon. That is a 1/4 mile swim, 10-12 mile bike and a 5k run. I was so excited and ready to do it and then as time has passed the doubt has started creeping back in. Can I really do this? What were we thinking? Despite that I am still plugging away at the training. I haven't gotten any swimming in, which is probably what I need to work on the most. Up until today I had only biked 5 miles and run 2 back-to-back. This morning as I was trying to figure out what to do I thought I would just try to bike the 10 miles since I hadn't done that yet. As I was getting close to finishing I thought maybe I would go home and hop on the treadmill and see what I could run. The treadmill is cheating though - it is a lot easier than running outside. So I thought, why would I do that when it isn't what I really need to do to train?

I decided I would bike over to the track and at least run a lap (1/4 mile) to get that transition from biking to running. I started running and felt pretty good. I ran a mile. I was getting tired. My legs were hurting and I was starting to get a cramp in my stomach. That is when I started thinking of how not even a year ago I couldn't run for more than a minute or two. I never played sports in high school. And here I just biked 10 miles and ran 1. Then I thought of my baby girl up there smiling down on me. I thought of the strength that she has given me over this last year and a half. I can't believe it has been that long. (She would be allowed to go to nursery at church- crazy!) So I thought of her there with me running and told her I needed her strength again to help me run two more laps to make it 1.5 miles. All of a sudden my cramp was going away and I felt stronger. Maybe it is all in my head. I miss her so much and I would give anything to have her here with me now, but since I can't I am so grateful that I have her watching over me and helping me find that inner strength that I have such a hard time holding on to. Thanks Hailey, mommy loves you!

Emotions...

This is hard for me to start because now my blog is going to be out of order (a little OCD, I know), but for four months now I have been holding emotions in just so I can give myself the time to "catch up" on my blog. I made the mistake of telling my grief therapist this and she gave me a frowny face and told me that was a bad idea. I think to myself, "but if I just hold everything in a little longer I could be caught up". Be warned now that this post is going to contain raw emotions...

I cannot hold everything in any longer. Not for myself, not for my children, not for my family. A couple of weeks ago I couldn't understand why I was having such a hard week. I could not make myself do the things I needed to. Of course I tried to analyze everything and figure out what was going on. It was not until the end of the week that I realized that I was barely keeping all of my emotions in....and then the kids had spring break. I forced myself into survival mode, pushed all those feelings deep inside again and pressed forward. I am trying to face those emotions now....

2011 started out with the excitement of finding out that we were pregnant. I felt like it was finally my turn. So many "angel mom's" that I know have already had babies - even ones that lost their children close to when I lost Hailey. Almost every person I know under 35 has had a baby since Hailey died - no joke! And I had done everything I was suppose to - I waited like the doctor said, then I started seeing a grief therapist, then I start on the anti-depressant. I worked hard and exercised and lost 40 pounds and got in the best shape I have been in since high school. Finally, I would get to feel the joys of growing a sweet spirit inside me. A week later I started spotting. I spotted for a week before going to the doctor. He did not see anything in my uterus, but saw what he thought was a dermoid tumor in my right ovary. I went for more ultrasounds only for the radiologist to say it was extra tissue - no big deal. A few days later I started bleeding more and the hormone tests showed that I was miscarrying. I was scheduled for a trip to Hawaii and decided to go ahead and go. I am glad I did. It was a good escape from the sadness.

A month later when I didn't start my period I took another pregnancy test. It was a very light positive. I didn't want to get my hopes up, but how can you not? The doctor sent me for another hormone test. The next day I woke up with severe pain on my right side and by that evening was in surgery. The ultrasound was showing that the mass in my right ovary had tripled in size. The surgery was suppose to just be laparoscopic, but the mass was too big so they had to open my c-section to remove the mass, my right ovary and my right fallopian tube. The doctor also did a D&C because my hormone levels had come back very low and he felt that there must have been a little tissue left from the miscarriage. Now we thought we were dealing with cancer. For a week we waited to hear the pathology results.

When he told us that it was actually an ectopic pregnancy our first response was relief. It took a few days for the anger to set it. Why did I have to go through the emotions of a miscarriage twice? Why prolong the agony and pain. And to top it off here I am again with a c-section and NO BABY! I still don't understand - and don't really know why I expect I should - I know that is not going to happen in this life time. But I am tired. I had felt so strongly that there were two more spirits that were to join our family after Hailey died. How can I keep trying when all I get is heartache and loss? I am tired of struggling. I am tired of dealing with grief. I know that I will never escape the grief from losing Hailey. But why do I have to continue to have more? Have I not learned the lessons that I am suppose to learn? I know deep down that these questions are silly, but right now this is how I am feeling. The grief therapist said that when we have a loss in our life, it brings back every loss we have ever had - nice. How can I take that chance and do anything that might end in a loss? I just don't know how much more I can take.

These are the feelings that have been bottle up inside me for the last few months. I know that just writing them down is not going to make them go away completely, but for me it helps. I am also having a couple of private boxing lesson's from Nathan's karate teacher (random, I know). After Hailey died I really wanted to find a boxing class and beat the pulp out of something but never did. I boxed this morning in the hopes that I could get some emotions out. I think that it worked. Hopefully I won't be too sore tomorrow. :o)

I miss my baby girl terribly. Nathan asked me the other day when she is coming back? I gave my standard answer of 'we will see her again some day, we just don't know when'. Then he said, "No, when is she coming back to this house?" Then all I could do was look into his wondering eyes and say 'never'. It broke my heart and it broke his.

Last night in FHE we were talking about things we can do to be a "forever family". Some of the cards the kids read said things like "play with my baby sister" or "read a book to my baby brother". Lexy said, "we could have done that if Hailey were here". There are always going to be things that break my heart. I am grateful that I can deal with these situations better these days. Every once in a while I need to take time to let things out.

That is what I did today.