Strength From Above

I feel like throughout my life I have gone through very short periods where I start to see and use my full potential. Where I have an inner strength beyond my imagination. Before Hailey passed away I probably had those moments a couple of times. I don't know where they came from and many times I tried to get that strength back but couldn't find it. So many times I would try to get that strength back to lose weight. I would get so frustrated when I would give in to my weakness and fall of the wagon.

I still struggle with trying to find that strength, but I feel like since Hailey passed away I see glimpses of it more often. Right after she passed away I prayed all day long to feel her close to me and to feel her strength. In July of last year when I decided to lose weight for the millionth time I really relied on her strength. Anytime I was tempted to eat something I shouldn't I would think about her up there in heaven watching me and I would put whatever it was down. I felt so strong and like I could conquer anything I wanted to.... I saw my full potential. I wish that was something that I could feel all the time. I think since I reached my weight goal I have lost some of that. I think as time has passed I have started trying to rely on my own strength again.

About a month ago, Julia and I decided to train for a sprint triathlon. That is a 1/4 mile swim, 10-12 mile bike and a 5k run. I was so excited and ready to do it and then as time has passed the doubt has started creeping back in. Can I really do this? What were we thinking? Despite that I am still plugging away at the training. I haven't gotten any swimming in, which is probably what I need to work on the most. Up until today I had only biked 5 miles and run 2 back-to-back. This morning as I was trying to figure out what to do I thought I would just try to bike the 10 miles since I hadn't done that yet. As I was getting close to finishing I thought maybe I would go home and hop on the treadmill and see what I could run. The treadmill is cheating though - it is a lot easier than running outside. So I thought, why would I do that when it isn't what I really need to do to train?

I decided I would bike over to the track and at least run a lap (1/4 mile) to get that transition from biking to running. I started running and felt pretty good. I ran a mile. I was getting tired. My legs were hurting and I was starting to get a cramp in my stomach. That is when I started thinking of how not even a year ago I couldn't run for more than a minute or two. I never played sports in high school. And here I just biked 10 miles and ran 1. Then I thought of my baby girl up there smiling down on me. I thought of the strength that she has given me over this last year and a half. I can't believe it has been that long. (She would be allowed to go to nursery at church- crazy!) So I thought of her there with me running and told her I needed her strength again to help me run two more laps to make it 1.5 miles. All of a sudden my cramp was going away and I felt stronger. Maybe it is all in my head. I miss her so much and I would give anything to have her here with me now, but since I can't I am so grateful that I have her watching over me and helping me find that inner strength that I have such a hard time holding on to. Thanks Hailey, mommy loves you!