Emotions...

This is hard for me to start because now my blog is going to be out of order (a little OCD, I know), but for four months now I have been holding emotions in just so I can give myself the time to "catch up" on my blog. I made the mistake of telling my grief therapist this and she gave me a frowny face and told me that was a bad idea. I think to myself, "but if I just hold everything in a little longer I could be caught up". Be warned now that this post is going to contain raw emotions...

I cannot hold everything in any longer. Not for myself, not for my children, not for my family. A couple of weeks ago I couldn't understand why I was having such a hard week. I could not make myself do the things I needed to. Of course I tried to analyze everything and figure out what was going on. It was not until the end of the week that I realized that I was barely keeping all of my emotions in....and then the kids had spring break. I forced myself into survival mode, pushed all those feelings deep inside again and pressed forward. I am trying to face those emotions now....

2011 started out with the excitement of finding out that we were pregnant. I felt like it was finally my turn. So many "angel mom's" that I know have already had babies - even ones that lost their children close to when I lost Hailey. Almost every person I know under 35 has had a baby since Hailey died - no joke! And I had done everything I was suppose to - I waited like the doctor said, then I started seeing a grief therapist, then I start on the anti-depressant. I worked hard and exercised and lost 40 pounds and got in the best shape I have been in since high school. Finally, I would get to feel the joys of growing a sweet spirit inside me. A week later I started spotting. I spotted for a week before going to the doctor. He did not see anything in my uterus, but saw what he thought was a dermoid tumor in my right ovary. I went for more ultrasounds only for the radiologist to say it was extra tissue - no big deal. A few days later I started bleeding more and the hormone tests showed that I was miscarrying. I was scheduled for a trip to Hawaii and decided to go ahead and go. I am glad I did. It was a good escape from the sadness.

A month later when I didn't start my period I took another pregnancy test. It was a very light positive. I didn't want to get my hopes up, but how can you not? The doctor sent me for another hormone test. The next day I woke up with severe pain on my right side and by that evening was in surgery. The ultrasound was showing that the mass in my right ovary had tripled in size. The surgery was suppose to just be laparoscopic, but the mass was too big so they had to open my c-section to remove the mass, my right ovary and my right fallopian tube. The doctor also did a D&C because my hormone levels had come back very low and he felt that there must have been a little tissue left from the miscarriage. Now we thought we were dealing with cancer. For a week we waited to hear the pathology results.

When he told us that it was actually an ectopic pregnancy our first response was relief. It took a few days for the anger to set it. Why did I have to go through the emotions of a miscarriage twice? Why prolong the agony and pain. And to top it off here I am again with a c-section and NO BABY! I still don't understand - and don't really know why I expect I should - I know that is not going to happen in this life time. But I am tired. I had felt so strongly that there were two more spirits that were to join our family after Hailey died. How can I keep trying when all I get is heartache and loss? I am tired of struggling. I am tired of dealing with grief. I know that I will never escape the grief from losing Hailey. But why do I have to continue to have more? Have I not learned the lessons that I am suppose to learn? I know deep down that these questions are silly, but right now this is how I am feeling. The grief therapist said that when we have a loss in our life, it brings back every loss we have ever had - nice. How can I take that chance and do anything that might end in a loss? I just don't know how much more I can take.

These are the feelings that have been bottle up inside me for the last few months. I know that just writing them down is not going to make them go away completely, but for me it helps. I am also having a couple of private boxing lesson's from Nathan's karate teacher (random, I know). After Hailey died I really wanted to find a boxing class and beat the pulp out of something but never did. I boxed this morning in the hopes that I could get some emotions out. I think that it worked. Hopefully I won't be too sore tomorrow. :o)

I miss my baby girl terribly. Nathan asked me the other day when she is coming back? I gave my standard answer of 'we will see her again some day, we just don't know when'. Then he said, "No, when is she coming back to this house?" Then all I could do was look into his wondering eyes and say 'never'. It broke my heart and it broke his.

Last night in FHE we were talking about things we can do to be a "forever family". Some of the cards the kids read said things like "play with my baby sister" or "read a book to my baby brother". Lexy said, "we could have done that if Hailey were here". There are always going to be things that break my heart. I am grateful that I can deal with these situations better these days. Every once in a while I need to take time to let things out.

That is what I did today.