Strength From Above

I feel like throughout my life I have gone through very short periods where I start to see and use my full potential. Where I have an inner strength beyond my imagination. Before Hailey passed away I probably had those moments a couple of times. I don't know where they came from and many times I tried to get that strength back but couldn't find it. So many times I would try to get that strength back to lose weight. I would get so frustrated when I would give in to my weakness and fall of the wagon.

I still struggle with trying to find that strength, but I feel like since Hailey passed away I see glimpses of it more often. Right after she passed away I prayed all day long to feel her close to me and to feel her strength. In July of last year when I decided to lose weight for the millionth time I really relied on her strength. Anytime I was tempted to eat something I shouldn't I would think about her up there in heaven watching me and I would put whatever it was down. I felt so strong and like I could conquer anything I wanted to.... I saw my full potential. I wish that was something that I could feel all the time. I think since I reached my weight goal I have lost some of that. I think as time has passed I have started trying to rely on my own strength again.

About a month ago, Julia and I decided to train for a sprint triathlon. That is a 1/4 mile swim, 10-12 mile bike and a 5k run. I was so excited and ready to do it and then as time has passed the doubt has started creeping back in. Can I really do this? What were we thinking? Despite that I am still plugging away at the training. I haven't gotten any swimming in, which is probably what I need to work on the most. Up until today I had only biked 5 miles and run 2 back-to-back. This morning as I was trying to figure out what to do I thought I would just try to bike the 10 miles since I hadn't done that yet. As I was getting close to finishing I thought maybe I would go home and hop on the treadmill and see what I could run. The treadmill is cheating though - it is a lot easier than running outside. So I thought, why would I do that when it isn't what I really need to do to train?

I decided I would bike over to the track and at least run a lap (1/4 mile) to get that transition from biking to running. I started running and felt pretty good. I ran a mile. I was getting tired. My legs were hurting and I was starting to get a cramp in my stomach. That is when I started thinking of how not even a year ago I couldn't run for more than a minute or two. I never played sports in high school. And here I just biked 10 miles and ran 1. Then I thought of my baby girl up there smiling down on me. I thought of the strength that she has given me over this last year and a half. I can't believe it has been that long. (She would be allowed to go to nursery at church- crazy!) So I thought of her there with me running and told her I needed her strength again to help me run two more laps to make it 1.5 miles. All of a sudden my cramp was going away and I felt stronger. Maybe it is all in my head. I miss her so much and I would give anything to have her here with me now, but since I can't I am so grateful that I have her watching over me and helping me find that inner strength that I have such a hard time holding on to. Thanks Hailey, mommy loves you!

Emotions...

This is hard for me to start because now my blog is going to be out of order (a little OCD, I know), but for four months now I have been holding emotions in just so I can give myself the time to "catch up" on my blog. I made the mistake of telling my grief therapist this and she gave me a frowny face and told me that was a bad idea. I think to myself, "but if I just hold everything in a little longer I could be caught up". Be warned now that this post is going to contain raw emotions...

I cannot hold everything in any longer. Not for myself, not for my children, not for my family. A couple of weeks ago I couldn't understand why I was having such a hard week. I could not make myself do the things I needed to. Of course I tried to analyze everything and figure out what was going on. It was not until the end of the week that I realized that I was barely keeping all of my emotions in....and then the kids had spring break. I forced myself into survival mode, pushed all those feelings deep inside again and pressed forward. I am trying to face those emotions now....

2011 started out with the excitement of finding out that we were pregnant. I felt like it was finally my turn. So many "angel mom's" that I know have already had babies - even ones that lost their children close to when I lost Hailey. Almost every person I know under 35 has had a baby since Hailey died - no joke! And I had done everything I was suppose to - I waited like the doctor said, then I started seeing a grief therapist, then I start on the anti-depressant. I worked hard and exercised and lost 40 pounds and got in the best shape I have been in since high school. Finally, I would get to feel the joys of growing a sweet spirit inside me. A week later I started spotting. I spotted for a week before going to the doctor. He did not see anything in my uterus, but saw what he thought was a dermoid tumor in my right ovary. I went for more ultrasounds only for the radiologist to say it was extra tissue - no big deal. A few days later I started bleeding more and the hormone tests showed that I was miscarrying. I was scheduled for a trip to Hawaii and decided to go ahead and go. I am glad I did. It was a good escape from the sadness.

A month later when I didn't start my period I took another pregnancy test. It was a very light positive. I didn't want to get my hopes up, but how can you not? The doctor sent me for another hormone test. The next day I woke up with severe pain on my right side and by that evening was in surgery. The ultrasound was showing that the mass in my right ovary had tripled in size. The surgery was suppose to just be laparoscopic, but the mass was too big so they had to open my c-section to remove the mass, my right ovary and my right fallopian tube. The doctor also did a D&C because my hormone levels had come back very low and he felt that there must have been a little tissue left from the miscarriage. Now we thought we were dealing with cancer. For a week we waited to hear the pathology results.

When he told us that it was actually an ectopic pregnancy our first response was relief. It took a few days for the anger to set it. Why did I have to go through the emotions of a miscarriage twice? Why prolong the agony and pain. And to top it off here I am again with a c-section and NO BABY! I still don't understand - and don't really know why I expect I should - I know that is not going to happen in this life time. But I am tired. I had felt so strongly that there were two more spirits that were to join our family after Hailey died. How can I keep trying when all I get is heartache and loss? I am tired of struggling. I am tired of dealing with grief. I know that I will never escape the grief from losing Hailey. But why do I have to continue to have more? Have I not learned the lessons that I am suppose to learn? I know deep down that these questions are silly, but right now this is how I am feeling. The grief therapist said that when we have a loss in our life, it brings back every loss we have ever had - nice. How can I take that chance and do anything that might end in a loss? I just don't know how much more I can take.

These are the feelings that have been bottle up inside me for the last few months. I know that just writing them down is not going to make them go away completely, but for me it helps. I am also having a couple of private boxing lesson's from Nathan's karate teacher (random, I know). After Hailey died I really wanted to find a boxing class and beat the pulp out of something but never did. I boxed this morning in the hopes that I could get some emotions out. I think that it worked. Hopefully I won't be too sore tomorrow. :o)

I miss my baby girl terribly. Nathan asked me the other day when she is coming back? I gave my standard answer of 'we will see her again some day, we just don't know when'. Then he said, "No, when is she coming back to this house?" Then all I could do was look into his wondering eyes and say 'never'. It broke my heart and it broke his.

Last night in FHE we were talking about things we can do to be a "forever family". Some of the cards the kids read said things like "play with my baby sister" or "read a book to my baby brother". Lexy said, "we could have done that if Hailey were here". There are always going to be things that break my heart. I am grateful that I can deal with these situations better these days. Every once in a while I need to take time to let things out.

That is what I did today.

Christmas 2010 - Part 1

It was my parents turn to have all the kids home for Christmas this year. We decided to step way outside of Davis "norms" and all go away together to Williamsburg, VA. Julia, Sterling and my parents drove one car and Aaron and I (and the kids) drove our car up to Jonathan and Val's on Christmas Eve. We stayed there and had Christmas morning and Christmas dinner before we took off to Williamsburg. We really enjoyed our time there. It was the first time that Aaron and I had been up to see their house in North Carolina. I do have to say that preparing for and taking all of the presents so that no secrets were revealed was very tricky - thank goodness for Internet shopping! It was a lot of work and we came to the conclusion that if we ever go away again on Christmas we will probably either do gifts early or late (we're such party poopers, I know).

Here are all three kids opening presents.

This is Ella. Is she not just the cutest thing you've ever seen? She is at such a fun age where she can communicate and everything is still so exciting. The kids fell in love with her and she with them. It was great to have them together.

It's amazing what you find with a little cleaning!

This morning I decided to tackle the office, which had gotten pretty bad. Guess what I found buried under a stack of papers? You guessed it - the camera! Funny what you'll find when you do a little cleaning. Now that I see the picture, I realize that the post was probably better off without it. Too late now - I already promised to stick it up here. Oh well, this is my journal and it has to include the good, the bad, and the ugly - so that means bad pictures too.

It's not looking good...

Okay, I dropped off the kids. I am finally eating my breakfast. I thought this is a perfect opportunity to get on the computer and do a quick post - pushing away the strong urge to read the blogs down the side - while I eat my breakfast. I know that the next post I need to do is about the 5k that Aaron and I ran in the beginning of December. So I think, "I need the camera so I can get the one picture we took and stick in it with my post." Do you think I can find the camera?? Nope. It is no where to be found. (which I know only tells on myself even more, because now I think...when is the last time I used it? I can't remember! Shame on me!) That is the perfect reason to just get on and read all the blogs I always check, right? How can I do my post without my picture? But since I told on myself I decided I would go ahead and post and some day when I find the camera I will add the picture. How's that for pressing forward? Hmmm.... what is there to tell about the 5k. We ran it! Actually, we had worked really hard as I had previously posted for Hailey's birthday. It was a great race. We finished it in 31+ minutes, which we were both really proud of. I have discovered that I really love running. I never thought I would say that - Ever! I am excited to continue with my new found love. Now that I have finished my breakfast, I am going to go for a run. (Thanks Kristen for the 10k suggestion... I haven't actaully picked one yet, so I will definitely look into that one.)

Excuses...

So, you might be surprised to know that I get on my blog a few times a week. This is always with the intention of at least adding one post to mine because I am so far behind. I have things - current feelings and emotions that many times I want to get out, but I don't because I am a perfectionist (yes I admit it) and I don't want my blog to be out of order. Silly, I know. Somehow, though, when I get on I am first drawn to looking at everyone else's blog first and catching up on all my friends and family. What happens? I run out of time. By the time I finish reading all the blogs I don't have time to post myself. That is what just happened this morning. I need to get my running in (I have decided to work towards a 10k) because Lexy has achievement days this morning and we need to be out the door at a certain time. So, frustrated that I didn't do what I set out to do I decided to at least post my excuse. There you have it. Now that it is out in the open maybe I will be better at posting first and then catching up on what I can after that......hmmm......I guess we will see how that works. :o)

Hailey's Angel Day

It was nice to be away during Hailey's first Angel day. I really don't know how our emotions would have been had we been home. We would have probably had Thanksgiving at our house like we did that day she passed away. I think that would have been difficult. We didn't want it to be a hard day for the kids. Honestly, I am not sure that they even realized the significance of the day. We tried to make it like any other day for them. I know that I broke down once, but it wasn't for long and I don't know that the kids even noticed.

The hard part for me was the fact that Thanksgiving was not on the same day as last year. For me she will have always passed away on Thanksgiving. That is what comes to mind first. The fact that it was the 26th of November comes almost as an after-thought. So this year when I started thinking on Thanksgiving that it had been a year since my sweet baby girl left this life I had to stop myself and realize that it wasn't until the day after Thanksgiving this year. I almost felt like I had to deal with her Angel Day twice. I guess that is something that I am going to have to get use to because it will usually be two separate days.