Excuses...

So, you might be surprised to know that I get on my blog a few times a week. This is always with the intention of at least adding one post to mine because I am so far behind. I have things - current feelings and emotions that many times I want to get out, but I don't because I am a perfectionist (yes I admit it) and I don't want my blog to be out of order. Silly, I know. Somehow, though, when I get on I am first drawn to looking at everyone else's blog first and catching up on all my friends and family. What happens? I run out of time. By the time I finish reading all the blogs I don't have time to post myself. That is what just happened this morning. I need to get my running in (I have decided to work towards a 10k) because Lexy has achievement days this morning and we need to be out the door at a certain time. So, frustrated that I didn't do what I set out to do I decided to at least post my excuse. There you have it. Now that it is out in the open maybe I will be better at posting first and then catching up on what I can after that......hmmm......I guess we will see how that works. :o)

Hailey's Angel Day

It was nice to be away during Hailey's first Angel day. I really don't know how our emotions would have been had we been home. We would have probably had Thanksgiving at our house like we did that day she passed away. I think that would have been difficult. We didn't want it to be a hard day for the kids. Honestly, I am not sure that they even realized the significance of the day. We tried to make it like any other day for them. I know that I broke down once, but it wasn't for long and I don't know that the kids even noticed.

The hard part for me was the fact that Thanksgiving was not on the same day as last year. For me she will have always passed away on Thanksgiving. That is what comes to mind first. The fact that it was the 26th of November comes almost as an after-thought. So this year when I started thinking on Thanksgiving that it had been a year since my sweet baby girl left this life I had to stop myself and realize that it wasn't until the day after Thanksgiving this year. I almost felt like I had to deal with her Angel Day twice. I guess that is something that I am going to have to get use to because it will usually be two separate days.

Stone Mountain - Thanksgiving 2010

We stayed within the park. It was gorgeous, although very cold. Us Floridians are quite mesmerized by the different trees - not to mentions red and yellow leaves... So beautiful. We took a lot of pictures of nature, but I will spare you all of those and just put in a few. The kids got to play checkers on a giant checker board. I think you can see the pool in the background....they actually swam in that in 30 degree weather.....and loved it. Thankfully there was an indoor pool too where they spent most of their pool time.

One of the first things that we did was go up to the top of Stone Mountain. Nathan really enjoyed climbing on the rocks. I had to work hard to keep up with him. It was a gorgeous day. As we were leaving the top I ran into a friend from Bonita that I hadn't seen in years . Funny how it can be such a small world.


While we were there we also enjoyed seeing the sites and activities in the main village. The kids saw Santa and Mrs. Claus. We rode a train and listened to Christmas music. We watched little plays and enjoyed some hot chocolate. It was a nice get-away. I know that the kids had a blast.

I do have to record our fire alarm experience for our memories. It was Thanksgiving night. We had stayed out at the village for the end of the night fireworks and to see the snow fairy so we didn't get back to our hotel and into bed until about 11:30. I felt like I had just fallen asleep when this loud alarm sounded and a voice over the speaker said, "Emergency! Emergency! This is an emergency! Please go out the nearest exit." So we put some shoes on, gathered the kids (Nathan was out so Aaron just picked him up and carried him - no shoes) and walked out the nearest exit and up some stairs into the parking lot. We ended up staying out there for about an hour. We had grabbed the room key, but weren't smart enough to grab the car keys. Poor Aaron was in shorts and it was cold. Finally they let us go back in and said something about a fire in the kitchen... So we went back to sleep and before we knew it we heard the alarm again and the same warning being screamed in our ears. This time we got smart. Thankfully it was 7am this time, so we got dressed. Got the kids dressed. Grabbed the car keys this time and decided to go drive ourselves to breakfast somewhere. When we got back a few hours later and we were walking back into the hotel a man asked if we were just arriving. We told him we had left for breakfast after the second fire alarm. He told us there had been a third one while he was eating his breakfast. We were grateful we had just taken off and didn't have to deal with that again. The bonus was that they gave us that night's stay for free so it wasn't all bad!

Thanksgiving 2010 (a little late)

I know that I need to get moving with my posts. I have a lot to catch up on and each month that goes by only makes it worse. I was holding off for a while because I really do want to make a video with all the pictures of Hailey's birthday. It may be something that I post on her next Angel day - or maybe her birthday. Needless to say it is not close to being done and I can't keeping waiting, so....

Thanksgiving 2010

We weren't really sure how our emotions were going to be since it would be Hailey's first Angel Day that week so we decided that we needed to get away as a family and do something that would keep us busy. We chose to go to Stone Mountain in Atlanta, GA. On our way up we stayed with our dear friends that Haddocks. We were in the same housing complex with the Haddocks during our time at UF. We had family home evenings with them. We had a great friendship; now we share one more thing - we both have Angels in Heaven. Their little boy Evan passed away a year before Hailey did. I never thought we would join that group - but then again who does? We will be forever tied together and honestly I am grateful that we have such dear friends to go through this with - although, at the same time I wish we didn't.

We also stopped and spent a few hours with our friends the Paynes. They had moved from our ward earlier in the year and it was great to catch up with them.

Happy Birthday Hailey!

Well, overall I have to say that today was a good day. We took so many pictures that I hesitated to post anything because I think I will probably make a video with them. But, I really wanted to get this post on here before the end of the day so that it was dated on Hailey's actual birthday.

We started our day with our usual Saturday morning run. We have been eating healthy and working out 5-6 days a week. I guess it started when I decided I was really going to lose weight (for real this time). I decided that Hailey's birthday would be my goal date. I really feel that I was able to do this because of the strength that I received from my sweet baby girl (and the Lord, of course). Anyway, I did it - I lost 38 pounds (only two from my goal, but it was my "dream" goal so I feel I made it). Every Saturday we have been taking the kids over to our clubhouse area. There is a 1/4 mile track in the back so the kids ride their scooters around while Aaron and I run. We started with 8 laps (2 miles). A few weeks ago we decided to add one more for Hailey. We have been hoping to work our way up to a 5k run. Well today we pushed ourselves and ran 3 miles for Hailey. It was very satisfying to end my goal celebration with a strong run. Emotionally I needed that - I love the way I feel after I run. We weren't sure we really had time to run this morning. I am so glad that we did - it was a perfect start to our day.

We met family and friends at the memorial gardens at 10:30 to celebrate her birthday. We got all pink balloons and one white one to signify her 1st birthday. We all wrote a special note and tied it to the balloons to send up to heaven. Even the kids wrote their own special notes - they were super cute. We let the balloons go as we wished her a happy birthday. The one white "angel" balloon led the way for the other balloons. It was really neat.

Since our little family is leaving for Thanksgiving and just getting away we all came back to our house for a BBQ. We visited and had a great time.

Although we had moments of emotions that overcame us, I have to say we did way better than I ever thought we would. I am so thankful for that. It was a good day and will forever be remembered that way.

As a side note, the people at the memorial gardens were able to fix the wording on Hailey's marker so that it is no longer slanted. It looked so much better. Yay!

Happy 1st Birthday Hailey! We love you! XOXOXOXO

A Headstone for Hailey

Today we went to the memorial gardens to be there while they installed Hailey's headstone. It made me very happy to know that it was going to be in place by her first birthday celebration. We are very happy with the way it turned out. The only problem for me was that the bronze area almost seemed to be put on a little sideways so that the wording was slanted. The guy at the memorial gardens said they might be able to fix that for us. I really hope they can.

Putting the headstone in place.

Nathan and Aaron watching.

Nathan watching as they make sure it is level.

Filling around the edges with dirt.

The final product.

Aaron wrote the inscription under her name. It says,

"Holding you in our hearts until we hold you in our hands."

Our family

Ten months ago - today

Ten months ago today Hailey Elizabeth joined us in this world. I can't believe it has already been that long. How could that much time have gone by so fast? It has definitely been the hardest 10 months of my life. I never thought I would survive the loss of a child, yet here I am. Still living, still breathing, still functioning (although not so much at times). Time has eased the pain some. The ache is a little less. There is more time between the waves of grief and the waves don't seem as big.

I was the only one to have a baby at the time. I didn't think much of it then, but now I am grateful that I don't have anyone I know with a baby the same age as Hailey constantly reminding me what she would be like. I saw a little girl at the park today who was had just turned 9 months. My heart ached for a minute, but I was busy with my friends little boy so I didn't dwell on all the details of what I should have right now.

I hope my honesty isn't offensive to the many friends I have who have recently had babies or will have them in the up-coming months (and please don't feel bad, because it is okay).....three months after Hailey died I started finding out that friends were pregnant...with word of each new pregnancy I felt a knife in my heart. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for them, I just wanted my baby and it crushed me to know that now matter what I did or how hard I prayed she wasn't coming back. At first I almost felt betrayed by the Lord. How could he surround me with all these babies when he had taken mine away? I didn't understand. Every month I would learn of another pregnant friend. It was so very hard to deal with.

Now these friends have started having their babies. I will be surrounded by them for at least the next 5 months - brand new babies just like Hailey. My perspective has started to change from feeling betrayed to feeling blessed. Our hygienist is one of these friends. She just had her baby boy last Wednesday. Her mom couldn't come into town and we knew that her husband was going back to work today. I didn't have patients scheduled so a month ago I told her to plan on having me there to help her today. I didn't realize the date when I made these plans. But today, the day that Hailey would have been 10 months old, I was able to hold a six day old baby in my arms and serve a friend. I can't think of a better way to spend September 20th or to honor my sweet baby girl.

I now feel blessed to have all of these babies close by that I can hold and enjoy. Even though that is not how old Hailey would be now, it is how I know her - so new and tiny. Thank you to all of my friends who are willing to share their sweet bundles with me - it really does fill a small hole in my heart.