Ten months ago today Hailey Elizabeth joined us in this world. I can't believe it has already been that long. How could that much time have gone by so fast? It has definitely been the hardest 10 months of my life. I never thought I would survive the loss of a child, yet here I am. Still living, still breathing, still functioning (although not so much at times). Time has eased the pain some. The ache is a little less. There is more time between the waves of grief and the waves don't seem as big.
I was the only one to have a baby at the time. I didn't think much of it then, but now I am grateful that I don't have anyone I know with a baby the same age as Hailey constantly reminding me what she would be like. I saw a little girl at the park today who was had just turned 9 months. My heart ached for a minute, but I was busy with my friends little boy so I didn't dwell on all the details of what I should have right now.
I hope my honesty isn't offensive to the many friends I have who have recently had babies or will have them in the up-coming months (and please don't feel bad, because it is okay).....three months after Hailey died I started finding out that friends were pregnant...with word of each new pregnancy I felt a knife in my heart. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for them, I just wanted my baby and it crushed me to know that now matter what I did or how hard I prayed she wasn't coming back. At first I almost felt betrayed by the Lord. How could he surround me with all these babies when he had taken mine away? I didn't understand. Every month I would learn of another pregnant friend. It was so very hard to deal with.
Now these friends have started having their babies. I will be surrounded by them for at least the next 5 months - brand new babies just like Hailey. My perspective has started to change from feeling betrayed to feeling blessed. Our hygienist is one of these friends. She just had her baby boy last Wednesday. Her mom couldn't come into town and we knew that her husband was going back to work today. I didn't have patients scheduled so a month ago I told her to plan on having me there to help her today. I didn't realize the date when I made these plans. But today, the day that Hailey would have been 10 months old, I was able to hold a six day old baby in my arms and serve a friend. I can't think of a better way to spend September 20th or to honor my sweet baby girl.
I now feel blessed to have all of these babies close by that I can hold and enjoy. Even though that is not how old Hailey would be now, it is how I know her - so new and tiny. Thank you to all of my friends who are willing to share their sweet bundles with me - it really does fill a small hole in my heart.
6 comments:
The lord is truly blessing you in many different ways :)
I love this Melica. It made me smile. Thanks for sharing your heart. Love you, Elaine
You have helped me in so many ways. I am so grateful for your friendship and enduring example. Katelyn thanks you too for the many times you saved me while holding her. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You are so sweet!!
You are an amazing woman. A strength to all of us - even those of us with smaller trials in life have grown from your honesty, strength and wisdom. Through you my faith has grown and hope blossoms.
Hi Melica, just wanted to pop in and see how you're doing. I hope you're doing okay. love, elaine
Melica, the tears flow when I read how beautiful a mother you are and how strong you are as well. I can't help but cry and ache for you everytime I read your blog.....I love ya Melica and I am SO HAPPY you are doing good and being so strong. With such a great loss their is also the GREATEST blessing that comes with it......your sweet baby girl is in the arms of our Dear Savior, surrounded by his LOVE and sweet embrase until the day you can hold her in YOUR arms. On days that seem unbarable...remember this! :)
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