Vacation Part 1 - Baltimore continued..

We were trying to get a picture of all the kids together, smiling, and paying attention.... I think by the time we got Nathan to actually come over and join the girls, the girls were gone onto the next thing. The girls are super cute though, aren't they?

Katie is going to love me for this one, but it was such a cute picture of the both of them that I had to put it on here.

This was a typical shot of the kids all climbing and doing their own thing. They loved climbing on the big anchors. We were just grateful that we didn't have any kids overboard!

Vacation Part 1 - Baltimore

I am going to post our trip to Pennsylvania in parts because I have way too many pictures to put in one post -- Nor do I have the time to do it all now - so here is Part 1....
At the end of June we went to visit our friends Katie and Ben in Pennsylvania. We flew into Baltimore so we decided to spend the rest of the afternoon at the Inner Baltimore Harbor and see some sights. The picture above is from the 27th floor of the Baltimore World Trade Center (who knew they had one). It was windows all the way around so you could see Baltimore in any direction for miles. I just realized that the building is in the picture below with the ship - convenient.

Above is a picture of the U.S.S. Constellation. We were able to tour this ship. It had four levels - the hull (bottom), the sleeping/hang-out quarters (third level), the gun room with kitchen and dining room at the end (second level) and the top level of the ship with the sails, steering wheel and some more guns (cannon's). We called it a pirate ship for Nathan's benefit -that made it more exciting.

It is kind of hard to see, but in the picture above to the write of the boat that says Chesapeake is a submarine. We also toured the sub. It was neat for the kids to see all the different rooms -torpedo, sleeping, kitchen, command center....etc.

Here we are with our friends. They drove down to meet us in Baltimore so that we could eat dinner together in the Harbor. We should have gone to the restaurant that was recommended by the locals, but trying to be a little more wise with our spending we opted for the restaurant that was cheaper and without a long wait. Actually it had no wait which should have been our first clue - I don't think any of us have ever had worse service or worse food. Oh well, you live and you learn. Next time we'll splurge on the good food. :o)

It's great to be Eight!

I cannot believe that it has been 8 years since Alexys was born! Time has flown by. She has grown and amazed us with her sweet personality, beautiful qualities and her cuteness.

Here is a picture of Lexy when she was just a few days old. She is wearing the outfit that Aaron picked out for her the day we found out we were going to have a baby girl!

Here she is all dressed in white ready to be baptized. What a beautiful girl!


All dressed in her baptismal clothes with her daddy.


After Lexy's baptism we went back to our house to open birthday presents from the family. Here is a picture of all of us including my grandmother (my dad's mom). It was such a special day and we were grateful that everyone was there to share it with us.

Sprout Master

I know I still need to get Lexy's baptism pictures up here, but I just have a minute and I wanted to get this on here before I forgot.

The other day Nathan and I were driving in the car and he said, "Mom, when do I get to be a sprout master like daddy?" I thought I understood what he was trying to say, but just for clarification I asked, "What do you mean?" He said, "When do I get to be a sprout master so that I can go camping?" Aaron is currently the scout master at church and Nathan wants to be just like his daddy. SO CUTE! I couldn't correct him, so I replied, "You can be a sprout master when you are a daddy, but you'll get to go camping when you turn 12."

These moments make me smile for a lifetime.

VPK Graduation

Okay....I have updated the side with pictures of all our kids. I have included Hailey in our "about us" column and I have her story on there too. I have picked a new background...so, I guess it is about time I put some recent events that are important in the lives of Lexy and Nathan on this blog because they are just as important as she is. I cannot let them feel like they are any less than her. They are not less important, less unique, less perfect, less lovable, less special. They are not any less than she is!

So without any further hesitation......

I cannot believe that Nathan is done with VPK and ready to go onto Kindergarten! I feel like we just celebrated Lexy's VPK graduation. Has three years already flown by? I realized after the fact that we never took any pictures of Nathan by himself, but we got some cute ones with friends. Below is Nathan with his cute friend Ansley (apparently Nathan's first kiss - he is such the ladies man!)

Below is Nathan's best buddy this year - Stephen. We hope to have lots of fun play date's with him this summer! Between the two of them they could really break some hearts!


I was not in a good place to get pictures of Nathan when he crossed the stage. So this is the best picture I got. Better than nothing I guess.

Our family

Moving Forward.....I think

I woke up this morning at 4:30. I tried to go back to sleep, but after checking the clock every 10 minutes I decided that I might as we get up and do something. My first thoughts were about Lexy....."I should post some pictures about her baptism yesterday", I thought. So I got up and quietly found the camera in the living room and came into the office. I sat down and pulled up my blog. I looked at the background with the baby prints on it and thought, "maybe I should change the background". I know this is not okay for my other children, but I have not felt like I could post something about just them - but how could I not post Lexy's baptism? I think I have felt like that would be betraying Hailey...how can I move on?

It's kind of like my facebook page. I had posted pictures of Hailey on there and talked about her a little but then I didn't want to put anything else on there because it would move her down the page. Maybe it is the Lord's way of helping me try to move forward but I had a birthday and all of my dear friends wished me happy birthday and quickly moved Hailey right off the front page. I hated that.....Not all of the birthday wishes - I was grateful for those - but I hated that Hailey was not on the front page. I guess it is still part of my need to shout to the world that I have another child. I don't feel like I can do anything about it, but I don't want to push her even further down the line so I don't post anything. My facebook page is frozen for now.

Anyway, after thinking about the background on my blog I thought, "If I finally update the pictures and info on the side to include pictures of my kids, including Hailey, then she will be forever on the front page and it will be okay for me to move on a little. For the last month, though, we haven't been able to find the disc that we got with her hospital pictures on it. I had tried and tried to find it before mother's day because I made a small photo album for my mother and two grandmothers with all the pictures of Hailey and everyone who held her. Anyway, I had just said to Julia last night that we still had not been able to find the CD (she and Sterling had helped turn the house upside-down looking for it in May). So I sat here in front of the computer and prayed with every fiber in my being that if it was in the room please help me to find it. I started looking for the hundredth time in the shelving unit that houses all our books, craft stuff, photo albums, computer, etc.... I thought maybe it is in something....maybe it got placed inside the cover of a book.... So I took all the books that I might have used in the last few months and flipped through all of them with no luck. I said another prayer and then I had the thought...."look in your old church bag". I quickly found it and started looking in the front pocked. I came across some money that people had given me when ordering Time Out for Women tickets. I came across an invitation for Lexy's "It's great to be 8" activity that I thought I had never received (sorry Kara). Then I felt it in my chest....I felt it in my heart...I felt Hailey right there saying, "keep going mom, it's in here, your going to find it." I opened the next compartment so excited, but cautious, not wanting to be disappointed and started flipping through old papers, an Ensign magazine and then I saw it! The CD with Hailey's pictures on it. I sat and held it and cried and thanked my Heavenly Father over and over for helping me find one of the most precious things I have....feeling the spirit of my baby girl....feeling so thankful that the Lord has not forgotten me...so thankful that he would let me have this moment with Hailey and that he heard me and answered my prayers.

Now, maybe now, I can take another step towards moving forward. Now I have had one more reminder that Hailey is still close when I need her. It is hard not to have her close all the time, but I know that she will come when I really need her. Thank you, Thank you, Heavenly Father!

Aaron and I have been seeing a grief counselor for the last month. It has been helpful. Although I feel we have a long way to go, she has helped us make some much needed changes in our family and on our road of "moving forward". A couple of weeks ago we took down Hailey's room. We did it for Family Home Evening with the kids. I was really strong that night until I realized after everything was tucked away, and I was taking the letters of her name off the wall that Julia made for me, that I hadn't gotten a picture. I struggled for a while after that. Lexy moved back into that room later that week. We still haven't moved everything out of Nathan's room, but it has been really good for her to be in her own room again.

I have been feeling lately that maybe it would be okay if we took down Hailey's angel tree. It doesn't bring me the peace that it did in the past. I think all of these things have been memorials for me....her room...her tree....the big pictures in the living room from the funeral...the blog...my facebook page. Slowly I am realizing that those things aren't Hailey. Like this morning, she is here with me and I will feel her and know it, when I need it. So maybe it will be okay to move forward just a bit.

My Mother's Day

**I hesitated to post this because the content of this post is raw and detailed (maybe somewhat graphic). But this is my blog and my journal...so just be warned.**

Mother's Day started out as most of my Mother's Days have in the past. I wake up alone in my bed with the smell of something yummy cooking in the kitchen. Only this time my morning thoughts are not what they were in the past. In fact I'm not sure I remember what I thought about when I woke up before Nov. 26, 2009. It was probably my "t0-do" list. Now when I wake up my thoughts are immediately about Hailey. On "strong" days I think about what she is doing. I know she is busy at work - but what kind of work? Maybe she is hanging out with my grandfathers who have passed away...I don't know, but I still wonder.

On "not-so-strong" days my memories of her short life flood my mind. Thoughts of us in the hospital right after she was born -- So happy to have her in my arms... thinking at first that she looked like Lexy, but realizing there are Nathan's qualities in her face too...loving watching the kids with her and seeing their excitement....feeling frustrated that I can't get my third child to latch on, but not panicking because I'm a pro and I know we will get this figured out...glad to be home and trying to enjoy my baby despite the severe pain from my double mastitis infection....loving, just LOVING her cheeks, they were sooo soft and lovey...realizing that I am not going to be able to breastfeed because the milk I pumped was pink (more blood than milk) and the infection was only getting worse...crying and apologizing that I couldn't breastfeed her...feeding her a bottle, just happy that I knew she was getting milk (and it is always nice to know how much)...

THEN...realizing that something was wrong...seeing her lips and her hands and feet blue...trying to get a hold of a nurse on Thanksgiving....rushing to the emergency room while leaving the rest of our family just before dinner....holding her tiny hand wrapped around my finger while they poked her over and over and realizing that something was very wrong because she never even cried...watching them bend her in half while they took spinal fluid to test for something "more serious"...walking next to her tiny body on a regular-sized hospital bed when they wheeled her up to the children's ICU...sitting in the corner of the room, staying out of the way while the doctor and like six nurses put in tubes and added medication after medication...trying to pray for her but realizing that it wasn't suppose to be...listening to the doctor telling us that her little body had gone through too much and that she would be brain dead if we tried to keep her alive...her heart had already stopped beating twice...giving her our final kisses and telling her we loved her and giving her permission to go...then calling my parents and asking them to bring the kids to say good-bye...just wanting to take her home with me but knowing that I can't...

This is my morning routine. I am use to it now. Depending on what I have to do that day determines how long I let myself remember...how deep I allow myself to feel the feeling of those moments. Whether or not I let one tear fall or many. Yesterday I let a few fall, then the kids came in to tell me breakfast was ready. Lexy says, "why are you crying?" Nathan answers, "because of Hailey. Don't talk about her or it will only make her sad". I feel I need to move on, for my children, so that they can see I am happy on Mother's Day.

I was blessed with a tender mercy from the Lord in Sacrament. Nathan fell asleep in my arms and slept through the whole meeting. As my arm was throbbing from holding up my 40 pound child I had the thought, "I should have a sleeping baby in my arms today, and the Lord saw fit to bless me with one." I am so grateful for that and will always cherish that moment.

The picture below is of Nathan and Lexy sleeping on their floor. They has asked me to close the door so they could go to sleep Saturday night (we had family over because my grandmother had just flown into town). With them promising that they would actually sleep I closed the door. Before I went to bed I decided to check on them and this is what I found. Aaron wondered if we should put them back into their beds and I said no, it is a weekend night, let's leave them. Nathan obviously did not sleep well since he was ready for a nap at 10am and then ended up falling asleep at 5pm also, but it was well worth it because I got a "baby" who slept in my arms during Sacrament on Mother's Day.