My Mother's Day

**I hesitated to post this because the content of this post is raw and detailed (maybe somewhat graphic). But this is my blog and my journal...so just be warned.**

Mother's Day started out as most of my Mother's Days have in the past. I wake up alone in my bed with the smell of something yummy cooking in the kitchen. Only this time my morning thoughts are not what they were in the past. In fact I'm not sure I remember what I thought about when I woke up before Nov. 26, 2009. It was probably my "t0-do" list. Now when I wake up my thoughts are immediately about Hailey. On "strong" days I think about what she is doing. I know she is busy at work - but what kind of work? Maybe she is hanging out with my grandfathers who have passed away...I don't know, but I still wonder.

On "not-so-strong" days my memories of her short life flood my mind. Thoughts of us in the hospital right after she was born -- So happy to have her in my arms... thinking at first that she looked like Lexy, but realizing there are Nathan's qualities in her face too...loving watching the kids with her and seeing their excitement....feeling frustrated that I can't get my third child to latch on, but not panicking because I'm a pro and I know we will get this figured out...glad to be home and trying to enjoy my baby despite the severe pain from my double mastitis infection....loving, just LOVING her cheeks, they were sooo soft and lovey...realizing that I am not going to be able to breastfeed because the milk I pumped was pink (more blood than milk) and the infection was only getting worse...crying and apologizing that I couldn't breastfeed her...feeding her a bottle, just happy that I knew she was getting milk (and it is always nice to know how much)...

THEN...realizing that something was wrong...seeing her lips and her hands and feet blue...trying to get a hold of a nurse on Thanksgiving....rushing to the emergency room while leaving the rest of our family just before dinner....holding her tiny hand wrapped around my finger while they poked her over and over and realizing that something was very wrong because she never even cried...watching them bend her in half while they took spinal fluid to test for something "more serious"...walking next to her tiny body on a regular-sized hospital bed when they wheeled her up to the children's ICU...sitting in the corner of the room, staying out of the way while the doctor and like six nurses put in tubes and added medication after medication...trying to pray for her but realizing that it wasn't suppose to be...listening to the doctor telling us that her little body had gone through too much and that she would be brain dead if we tried to keep her alive...her heart had already stopped beating twice...giving her our final kisses and telling her we loved her and giving her permission to go...then calling my parents and asking them to bring the kids to say good-bye...just wanting to take her home with me but knowing that I can't...

This is my morning routine. I am use to it now. Depending on what I have to do that day determines how long I let myself remember...how deep I allow myself to feel the feeling of those moments. Whether or not I let one tear fall or many. Yesterday I let a few fall, then the kids came in to tell me breakfast was ready. Lexy says, "why are you crying?" Nathan answers, "because of Hailey. Don't talk about her or it will only make her sad". I feel I need to move on, for my children, so that they can see I am happy on Mother's Day.

I was blessed with a tender mercy from the Lord in Sacrament. Nathan fell asleep in my arms and slept through the whole meeting. As my arm was throbbing from holding up my 40 pound child I had the thought, "I should have a sleeping baby in my arms today, and the Lord saw fit to bless me with one." I am so grateful for that and will always cherish that moment.

The picture below is of Nathan and Lexy sleeping on their floor. They has asked me to close the door so they could go to sleep Saturday night (we had family over because my grandmother had just flown into town). With them promising that they would actually sleep I closed the door. Before I went to bed I decided to check on them and this is what I found. Aaron wondered if we should put them back into their beds and I said no, it is a weekend night, let's leave them. Nathan obviously did not sleep well since he was ready for a nap at 10am and then ended up falling asleep at 5pm also, but it was well worth it because I got a "baby" who slept in my arms during Sacrament on Mother's Day.