Moving Forward.....I think

I woke up this morning at 4:30. I tried to go back to sleep, but after checking the clock every 10 minutes I decided that I might as we get up and do something. My first thoughts were about Lexy....."I should post some pictures about her baptism yesterday", I thought. So I got up and quietly found the camera in the living room and came into the office. I sat down and pulled up my blog. I looked at the background with the baby prints on it and thought, "maybe I should change the background". I know this is not okay for my other children, but I have not felt like I could post something about just them - but how could I not post Lexy's baptism? I think I have felt like that would be betraying Hailey...how can I move on?

It's kind of like my facebook page. I had posted pictures of Hailey on there and talked about her a little but then I didn't want to put anything else on there because it would move her down the page. Maybe it is the Lord's way of helping me try to move forward but I had a birthday and all of my dear friends wished me happy birthday and quickly moved Hailey right off the front page. I hated that.....Not all of the birthday wishes - I was grateful for those - but I hated that Hailey was not on the front page. I guess it is still part of my need to shout to the world that I have another child. I don't feel like I can do anything about it, but I don't want to push her even further down the line so I don't post anything. My facebook page is frozen for now.

Anyway, after thinking about the background on my blog I thought, "If I finally update the pictures and info on the side to include pictures of my kids, including Hailey, then she will be forever on the front page and it will be okay for me to move on a little. For the last month, though, we haven't been able to find the disc that we got with her hospital pictures on it. I had tried and tried to find it before mother's day because I made a small photo album for my mother and two grandmothers with all the pictures of Hailey and everyone who held her. Anyway, I had just said to Julia last night that we still had not been able to find the CD (she and Sterling had helped turn the house upside-down looking for it in May). So I sat here in front of the computer and prayed with every fiber in my being that if it was in the room please help me to find it. I started looking for the hundredth time in the shelving unit that houses all our books, craft stuff, photo albums, computer, etc.... I thought maybe it is in something....maybe it got placed inside the cover of a book.... So I took all the books that I might have used in the last few months and flipped through all of them with no luck. I said another prayer and then I had the thought...."look in your old church bag". I quickly found it and started looking in the front pocked. I came across some money that people had given me when ordering Time Out for Women tickets. I came across an invitation for Lexy's "It's great to be 8" activity that I thought I had never received (sorry Kara). Then I felt it in my chest....I felt it in my heart...I felt Hailey right there saying, "keep going mom, it's in here, your going to find it." I opened the next compartment so excited, but cautious, not wanting to be disappointed and started flipping through old papers, an Ensign magazine and then I saw it! The CD with Hailey's pictures on it. I sat and held it and cried and thanked my Heavenly Father over and over for helping me find one of the most precious things I have....feeling the spirit of my baby girl....feeling so thankful that the Lord has not forgotten me...so thankful that he would let me have this moment with Hailey and that he heard me and answered my prayers.

Now, maybe now, I can take another step towards moving forward. Now I have had one more reminder that Hailey is still close when I need her. It is hard not to have her close all the time, but I know that she will come when I really need her. Thank you, Thank you, Heavenly Father!

Aaron and I have been seeing a grief counselor for the last month. It has been helpful. Although I feel we have a long way to go, she has helped us make some much needed changes in our family and on our road of "moving forward". A couple of weeks ago we took down Hailey's room. We did it for Family Home Evening with the kids. I was really strong that night until I realized after everything was tucked away, and I was taking the letters of her name off the wall that Julia made for me, that I hadn't gotten a picture. I struggled for a while after that. Lexy moved back into that room later that week. We still haven't moved everything out of Nathan's room, but it has been really good for her to be in her own room again.

I have been feeling lately that maybe it would be okay if we took down Hailey's angel tree. It doesn't bring me the peace that it did in the past. I think all of these things have been memorials for me....her room...her tree....the big pictures in the living room from the funeral...the blog...my facebook page. Slowly I am realizing that those things aren't Hailey. Like this morning, she is here with me and I will feel her and know it, when I need it. So maybe it will be okay to move forward just a bit.