My Mother's Day

**I hesitated to post this because the content of this post is raw and detailed (maybe somewhat graphic). But this is my blog and my journal...so just be warned.**

Mother's Day started out as most of my Mother's Days have in the past. I wake up alone in my bed with the smell of something yummy cooking in the kitchen. Only this time my morning thoughts are not what they were in the past. In fact I'm not sure I remember what I thought about when I woke up before Nov. 26, 2009. It was probably my "t0-do" list. Now when I wake up my thoughts are immediately about Hailey. On "strong" days I think about what she is doing. I know she is busy at work - but what kind of work? Maybe she is hanging out with my grandfathers who have passed away...I don't know, but I still wonder.

On "not-so-strong" days my memories of her short life flood my mind. Thoughts of us in the hospital right after she was born -- So happy to have her in my arms... thinking at first that she looked like Lexy, but realizing there are Nathan's qualities in her face too...loving watching the kids with her and seeing their excitement....feeling frustrated that I can't get my third child to latch on, but not panicking because I'm a pro and I know we will get this figured out...glad to be home and trying to enjoy my baby despite the severe pain from my double mastitis infection....loving, just LOVING her cheeks, they were sooo soft and lovey...realizing that I am not going to be able to breastfeed because the milk I pumped was pink (more blood than milk) and the infection was only getting worse...crying and apologizing that I couldn't breastfeed her...feeding her a bottle, just happy that I knew she was getting milk (and it is always nice to know how much)...

THEN...realizing that something was wrong...seeing her lips and her hands and feet blue...trying to get a hold of a nurse on Thanksgiving....rushing to the emergency room while leaving the rest of our family just before dinner....holding her tiny hand wrapped around my finger while they poked her over and over and realizing that something was very wrong because she never even cried...watching them bend her in half while they took spinal fluid to test for something "more serious"...walking next to her tiny body on a regular-sized hospital bed when they wheeled her up to the children's ICU...sitting in the corner of the room, staying out of the way while the doctor and like six nurses put in tubes and added medication after medication...trying to pray for her but realizing that it wasn't suppose to be...listening to the doctor telling us that her little body had gone through too much and that she would be brain dead if we tried to keep her alive...her heart had already stopped beating twice...giving her our final kisses and telling her we loved her and giving her permission to go...then calling my parents and asking them to bring the kids to say good-bye...just wanting to take her home with me but knowing that I can't...

This is my morning routine. I am use to it now. Depending on what I have to do that day determines how long I let myself remember...how deep I allow myself to feel the feeling of those moments. Whether or not I let one tear fall or many. Yesterday I let a few fall, then the kids came in to tell me breakfast was ready. Lexy says, "why are you crying?" Nathan answers, "because of Hailey. Don't talk about her or it will only make her sad". I feel I need to move on, for my children, so that they can see I am happy on Mother's Day.

I was blessed with a tender mercy from the Lord in Sacrament. Nathan fell asleep in my arms and slept through the whole meeting. As my arm was throbbing from holding up my 40 pound child I had the thought, "I should have a sleeping baby in my arms today, and the Lord saw fit to bless me with one." I am so grateful for that and will always cherish that moment.

The picture below is of Nathan and Lexy sleeping on their floor. They has asked me to close the door so they could go to sleep Saturday night (we had family over because my grandmother had just flown into town). With them promising that they would actually sleep I closed the door. Before I went to bed I decided to check on them and this is what I found. Aaron wondered if we should put them back into their beds and I said no, it is a weekend night, let's leave them. Nathan obviously did not sleep well since he was ready for a nap at 10am and then ended up falling asleep at 5pm also, but it was well worth it because I got a "baby" who slept in my arms during Sacrament on Mother's Day.

An Eternal Perspective

The White Rose

All the earth’s mothers were gathered together at God’s garden of flowers. Those beautiful budding spirits, who would someday come to earth, were nurtured and tended in the garden. A loving Father spoke to the mothers: “See the works of My hands, someday you will be the mothers to these radiant spirits.” The garden glowed with the mixture of all kinds and colors. “Choose ye,” He said. Now in the east corner of the garden pure white roses stood as sentinels. They were not as colorful as the rest, but glowed with a kind of purity which set them apart. One by one the mothers stepped forward. “I want the blue-eyed, brown haired boy, full of life and love who would someday be a prince in a grand country. The garden buzzed with excitement as the others chose their own special spirits, those whom they would soon welcome into the warmth and love of and earthly home.Once again the loving Father spoke, “But who will take the white roses, the ones in the east corner of the garden? These will return to me in purity and goodness, they will not stay long in your home, for I must bring them back to my Garden for they belong with me, but they will gain bodies as was planned. You will miss them and long for them, but I will personally care for them.” “No, not I, “many said in unison. “I could not bear to give one back so soon.” “Nor I,” said the others. “We will take those who will remain and grow to maturity and live long lives.”The loving Father looked out across the multitude of mothers with a longing in His eyes for someone to step forward. Silence. Then He said, “See the most pure and perfect of all the white ones? I chose Him. He will go down and be a sacrifice for all mankind. He will be scorned, mocked and crucified. He is mine own. Will not anyone choose like unto Him?” A few mothers stepped forward. “Yes, Lord, I will.” Then another, and “I as well”, “Yes, Lord we will.” Soon all the pure white roses were taken and they rejoiced in the choices of the mothers. The Father spoke again, “Oh, how blessed are you who chose the white roses, for your pain will be a heavy cross to bear, but your joy will be exceeding beyond anything you can understand at this time.” The white ones embraced their mothers, and so full was their purity and love that it filled their souls with such endearment. Each mother knew they could endure the task. And the greatest of all the white ones, gathered them as a hen gathers her chicks, and the outpouring of love surrounded each mother and child, consuming all the white ones as He prepared them for their task. And each Mother who bore the weight of the ‘White Rose’, would feel the overwhelming love of God, as they all shouted, “Thy will be done.”

I just found this post on a blog of another "angel mom". It was something I needed to read today. I think it is beautiful. The part that hit me the most was, "The white ones embraced their mothers, and so full was their purity and love that it filled their souls with such endearment." This is exactly how I felt my relationship with Hailey was. It is so hard to explain and to fully convey the connection, the love that we shared while she was in my womb. It was sooo strong. When I sit quietly and think about it I can still feel it. I can feel it now. I am so grateful for that and I hope that I can continue to feel it through the years.

Yesterday was hard for me when I realized that my birth date (the 26th) will forever be shared with the same date of Hailey's death. I don't know why it hadn't crossed my mind before. I felt like I had a cloud hanging over my day yesterday. Five months ago she left this world. Part of me can't believe it has already been five months and the other part of me feels like it has been forever since I had my sweet angel in my arms. The story above helps to bring my eternal perspective to the front of my mind. It is a constant struggle between the earthly and the eternal perspectives. Lately I feel like I have had a hard time keeping the eternal perspective close. I have really been struggling. For now I am grateful for this story to help me through today.

Emotions

WOW! Today was a day full of emotions. It started out normal - there was nothing at church that I felt would push me over the edge, send me into an unexpected emotional spiral....until the second hour of church. There was a woman who came and sat down in front of me during gospel doctrine. She had a baby in a car seat. The baby was cute and quite the chunk. I didn't recognize her so I went to say hi and so did my mom at the same time. We introduced ourselves and found out that Jenny was just in town for a few days while her husband was at a conference. She almost had not made it to church because she had gotten lost, but finally after one more try and some directions found her way.


I always look at babies when I see them, but I am not a good gauge of how old they are (thankfully). I often think, hmmm... "I wonder if that baby is as old as Hailey would be," but since I don't know I can emotionally move on. This morning my mom asked how old Jenny's baby was. As soon as she said it my heart sank. Five months, she said. Hailey would have been five months on Tuesday.

At that moment I go through this inner struggle. I want to shout, "I have a baby who would have been five months!" But then what good does that do? Then I have to go into the story and explain it to a perfect stranger. Part of me wants to ask to hold the baby and the other part of me thinks that after I tell them my story they will want me to be as far away from their baby as possible. (There are a lot of crazy women out there who have lost children and they don't know that I'm not one of them).

So after running through all of this in my head I just smile and say nothing. I thought, "I can handle this...I can be strong and just let it go." That strength lasted for about one minute. I watched Josie (the baby) play with the little laminated card hanging from the car seat handle. She would grab her mom's hand and hold on tight when she went to put the pacifier in her mouth. She was cooing and talking and so happy. That's when it all went down hill. My eyes started to water, then a tear fell, then two. I looked away and tried to blink the tears away, but every time I looked back at Josie it started all over. I pretty much cried through gospel doctrine. When we went into Relief Society I sat in front of Jenny so that I would not have to look at Josie for another hour. By this time she had fallen asleep.

Jenny started talking to me again despite the fact that my eyes were red and puffy and it was obvious I had been crying. Then she asked the magic question....do you have kids? I didn't get a word out before I fell apart again because I knew that I would tell her about Hailey. She told me how her sister had lost two babies - one just a few minutes after birth and the other in a miscarriage. Then she asked me if I wanted to hold Josie. Part of me wanted to scream yes and the other part of me wanted to say no. I hadn't held a baby since Hailey and I wasn't sure what would happen. Not wanting to say either I just said, "I don't want to wake her up". She told me it was no big deal and reached down, picked her up and placed her in my arms. She told me to hold her as long as I wanted. I cried, but I didn't want to cry on someone else's baby so I tried to stop as quickly as I could. For an hour it filled that void in my heart, the emptiness in my arms. I will never forget Jenny or Josie. I have longed and dreaded this moment for five months. I do have one more moment like this to face and that is when I hold a newborn. I am afraid that will be harder - still I long for it and dread it also. Although as I sat in gospel doctrine and wondered "why of all the places to sit did Jenny have to come and sit in front of me?" In Relief Society I was able to hold a beautiful baby girl and feel the spirit of my sweet Hailey close by and thank our Heavenly Father for helping Jenny make it to church and to cross our paths. After church was over Lexy, Nathan and Aaron all got to hold Josie. It was a tender mercy for our whole family.

After church we went to a special memorial service at Health Park hospital. Apparently they have a service in the spring and the fall for all the families who have lost children at the hospital. It was very nice. They read some poems, had some music, read the names of the children that had passed and gave each family a rose for each child, and let some butterflies go. The children were able to gather around and help let the butterflies out. Lexy had a butterfly land on the front of her dress. I told her that I thought Hailey had sent that butterfly to her just to let her know that she loves her and misses her. We both cried.

It was sad to see all the people who had lost children. There were multiple twins that had passed and my mom said that she even heard triplets. There were very young couples and older couples.

I had been feeling lately like I had lost some of the closeness I had spiritually to Hailey. Things have fallen apart - I've gained most of the weight I had lost in March, our budget that we had done so well with went to pot, I had fallen behind on my scripture study....I felt like I had lost control of my life lately and when that happens I just don't feel like my life is where it should be. Although at this point none of that has changed yet, my heart feels full. I feel like Hailey wanted to let me know that she is still close by and that she is still pulling for me and loving me and watching over me. I will continue to fight for her. I will continue to make my life the best I can so that I can be worthy to live with her again some day. I love you sweet angel baby!

Happy Easter

We wanted to make something special to put on Hailey's grave for Easter. The kids worked hard to paint and decorate some Easter eggs for Hailey. They turned out really cute. Since it was General conference we were able to go down Easter morning and visit Hailey and take her our gifts. Some how I think that Hailey's animal has become the frog. When we took her a special Valentine's bouquet there was a frog attached. I thought it was cute so we bought it. When I was in the store buying the Easter crafts I saw this little frog and grabbed it immediately. My first thought was that she already had a frog, I should look for something else. I was drawn to it though and felt like I needed to buy it, so I did. It wasn't until later that I really looked at it and realized that it was in a bunny suit with bunnies on the feet. This is special because Hailey wore a little pajama outfit for a couple of days that had little bunny feet just like this frog we gave her. Now I realize why I was so drawn to this little stuffed animal.... It reminded me of my sweet baby girl.

2010 Census

We received our census in the mail the other day so I decided to go ahead, take a few minutes and fill it out. In a matter of seconds I realized that it was not going to be as easy as I thought. I don't recall what the exact words are, but it asked for the number of people living in our house. To me that means how many people are in our family. I wanted to write down 5. There are five members of our family, but only 4 are actually currently living in our house. I felt like I was having to leave Hailey out of our family. For each person it asks for age and birthday, then it states for babies to put "0" for age. I wanted so badly to put Hailey on there and just put "0". I understand that the census is just for people living currently. I know that for genealogical purposes that would really confuse someone in the future, but it was so difficult for me to leave her off. I guess it is one of those things that makes her death real. It was a slap in my face telling me my baby is gone. It still hurts.


On a much lighter note - I was very excited the other night because I made "potato" cheese soup and the kids loved it. Why is this so exciting, you ask?? Because it didn't have any potatoes in it! It was pure cauliflower and only 190 calories and 7 grams of fat! (snicker, snicker). They never had a clue!

Enduring....

Mark 13:13 "...he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved." Hebrew 6:15 "And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise." 3 Nephi 15:9 "Behold, I am the law, and the light. Look unto me, and endure to the end, and ye shall live; for unto him that endureth to the end will I give eternal life." D&C 50:5 "But blessed are they who are faithful and endure, whether in life or in death, for they shall inherit eternal life."

I have read these scriptures my entire life. To me they meant, in a way, for us to do the best that we could to live the commandments....to repent when we needed to....to make corrections where corrections should be made....to endure just living in this world of wickedness and temptation. Now, Now these scripture take on a whole new meaning. Not only do I have to live worthy enough to be given the gift of eternal life so that I can be with my baby girl again, but I have to endure my entire life on this earth without her. I will never again hear the word "endure" and let it pass by so lightly.

Yesterday made it three months since Hailey left this world. When I allow myself to go back to that moment it is so fresh, so raw. I'm not sure that that will ever change. I have the feeling that whenever I go back my emotions will be right there waiting like a pot of water about to boil over the top. I can only hope that when I get to see her again that I will not have to remember or feel the heartbreak of what we are enduring here for the rest of our lives on this earth.

The diagnosis is....

I thought I would give you an update on the last post. The flu test also came back negative. I thought it was just a bug that we were going to have to let run it's course until yesterday. Nathan was complaining about his neck and head and refused to turn it. I was very nervous that we were dealing with spinal meningitis again and so we went back to the doctor's office. (We saw a different doctor so I didn't have to deal with my irritation from the day before). Anyway, they did a couple of tests and as is turns out Nathan has Mono!

So, I have cancelled my life for the next two weeks. Nathan is not allowed to go to school or play any sports. He is suppose to rest as much as possible. I was already behind at the office because of insane amounts of "no school" days in the month of January and now I have two more weeks of no school for Nathan. I am going to try to enjoy this down time as much a possible without stressing out. I'm sure that's the lesson I am suppose to learn with all of this. :o)