Enduring....

Mark 13:13 "...he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved." Hebrew 6:15 "And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise." 3 Nephi 15:9 "Behold, I am the law, and the light. Look unto me, and endure to the end, and ye shall live; for unto him that endureth to the end will I give eternal life." D&C 50:5 "But blessed are they who are faithful and endure, whether in life or in death, for they shall inherit eternal life."

I have read these scriptures my entire life. To me they meant, in a way, for us to do the best that we could to live the commandments....to repent when we needed to....to make corrections where corrections should be made....to endure just living in this world of wickedness and temptation. Now, Now these scripture take on a whole new meaning. Not only do I have to live worthy enough to be given the gift of eternal life so that I can be with my baby girl again, but I have to endure my entire life on this earth without her. I will never again hear the word "endure" and let it pass by so lightly.

Yesterday made it three months since Hailey left this world. When I allow myself to go back to that moment it is so fresh, so raw. I'm not sure that that will ever change. I have the feeling that whenever I go back my emotions will be right there waiting like a pot of water about to boil over the top. I can only hope that when I get to see her again that I will not have to remember or feel the heartbreak of what we are enduring here for the rest of our lives on this earth.

The diagnosis is....

I thought I would give you an update on the last post. The flu test also came back negative. I thought it was just a bug that we were going to have to let run it's course until yesterday. Nathan was complaining about his neck and head and refused to turn it. I was very nervous that we were dealing with spinal meningitis again and so we went back to the doctor's office. (We saw a different doctor so I didn't have to deal with my irritation from the day before). Anyway, they did a couple of tests and as is turns out Nathan has Mono!

So, I have cancelled my life for the next two weeks. Nathan is not allowed to go to school or play any sports. He is suppose to rest as much as possible. I was already behind at the office because of insane amounts of "no school" days in the month of January and now I have two more weeks of no school for Nathan. I am going to try to enjoy this down time as much a possible without stressing out. I'm sure that's the lesson I am suppose to learn with all of this. :o)

Irritated

I am a bit irritated today. Nathan came down with a fever on Saturday and has been complaining of a sore throat. He has definitely not been himself - he is on his second nap for today, poor little guy. Anyway, I took him to the pediatrician today just to have him take a look. The strep test came back negative and we are still waiting on the flu test results (hopefully negative too).

This pediatrician that I took Nathan to is the one that my children have been seeing since Lexy was a few months old. He is part of a large practice so we don't always see him when the kids are sick but we do see him for their "well" visits and if he is available when they are sick we will see him. The last time we were in there was just about three weeks before I had Hailey. I asked him some questions about whether or not I needed to do anything specific to have a pediatrician from the office see Hailey at the hospital. He told me about how the third child is different from the other two and how my life will change.

So I was a little worried about going in today because I figured that he would ask about the baby. He was not the doctor that ever saw Hailey at the hospital so I wasn't sure that he knew that she had passed away. (You would hope that even though they are part of a large practice somehow there would be just a tiny bit of communication in the office that would allow a doctor who has been treating a family for almost eight years know that their child passed away. However, the office called me two weeks after Hailey passed telling me I needed to schedule her for her two week check-up. When I told the teenager on the other end that she has passed away all she said to me was "oh, okay - thanks". I knew at that point that Hailey's file would probably be marked "in-active" and no one else would hear a thing.) So back to today... I thought that since I had been in there just a few months ago and we had discussed Hailey's birth that even though he probably had not been made aware of her death he would at least remember that she was born and ask about her. NOPE! Not one word. You would assume that I was never even pregnant. He asked about everyone else in the family making sure they weren't showing any signs of illness. Any concerns for a brand new baby??? NOPE!

So I have to say that today I felt like a number. I guess when I worried this morning about how I would hold it together when he asked, I just wasted my time. Needless to say, I am hurt and irritated!

Hospital Pictures

When we were at the hospital they came and took some pictures of Hailey. We had almost told them not to because we didn't plan on buying them but decided it wouldn't hurt. We thought the pictures were cute, but intended to go have our own taken for cheaper. We were told that if we wanted the pictures we would have to order them before we left the hospital. After Hailey passed we decided that since we had so few pictures of her we really wanted the ones from the hospital but were afraid that it was too late. We had tried to contact the company a few times with no luck. Aaron finally got in contact with them and we were able to order a CD with the pictures (there are 8) for way more than we would normally ever spend, but now our perspective has changed and there is no price too high for more pictures of our beautiful Angel. I thought I would share a few of the pictures with you.

To a Happy New Year

I want to start this year out in a positive way. I know that since we are here as mortals and cannot fully comprehend what the Lord has in store for us we will have times where the grief that comes as part of being human will take over. In fact it still happens more than once each day, but I look forward, in this new year, to the pain and sadness becoming less and less. I look forward to the time when I can focus more on the joy in Hailey's life and ours. We have been abundantly blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord over this last month and a half and I wanted to share a few of them.



First of all the love that we have felt from so many at church and in our community through selfless acts of service have been so helpful. The Lord has provided us shoulders to lean on through our amazing friends and family. I have received a few special gifts from friends that have meant so much to me. I love and appreciate all of them. The picture above is one that has brought me so much peace and comfort. Christ has my sweet baby girl in his arms. There is no better place for her to be. That does not make my arms ache any less, but it will hold me over until I can once again hold her in my arms. The Lord knew that I needed these special gifts. Multiple friends have said that they "new" the moment they saw their gifts or angel ornaments that it was exactly what they had been searching for. I know the Lord has used our friends as instruments to bring us the things that will bring us comfort and joy whether it be a hug, a phone call, an invitation, an act of kindness, or special gifts. I am thankful for that tender mercy.



Next as we have looked back on Hailey's short life we know that the Lord blessed us abundantly in the way things happened.

• Aaron's parents had come early so that they could be here to help when Hailey was born. They have not been with us for the birth of either of the other two children. They usually come for the blessing weeks later. They were here - able to see, hold and love our baby girl.


• When so many people lose their precious children before they are born or only hours later, we were blessed with 6 whole days to have her in our arms. Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Lexy and Nathan were able to hold her, love her, feed her, and connect with her. She only needed a body. She did not need those six day. They were a gift for us.


• So many children have to struggle through days or months spent in a hospital hooked up to IV's and tubes. Hailey passed within 8 hours of us realizing that something was wrong. We feel blessed that the Lord spared her and us the trauma of a long hospital stay.


• Aaron and I had both been prepared through our own separate and personal experiences for Hailey's passing. When it was time to let her go at the hospital we both knew deep down that she had fulfilled her life on this earth for now.


• The Lord blessed my body. Although I had a c-section only a week before she passed and a raging double mastitis infection I was able to go with Aaron to make all of the funeral arrangements and to even carry Hailey's coffin during the service. My recovery from this birth has been faster than any of my other deliveries.

Finally, the Lord has blessed us at the office. We have had a tough, and at times very stressful, year financially at the office. Usually December is one of our harder months - no one wants to fix their teeth when they have presents to buy. This year we had the best December we've had which is a huge blessing for us since we have extra tax expenses due in January. We don't have to stress about where the money will come from on top of everything else we have been dealing with.

As this new year begins I look forward hope for peace. Hope for happiness. Hope for comfort. Hope for joy. I look forward with Hope.

A new picture of Hailey's tree

I wanted to place an updated picture of Hailey's Angel Tree on here so you can see how beautiful it is. Unfortunately the picture doesn't do it justice. We love it looking at it. I really brings me peace and comfort. We have tried to count the ornaments -which I have to add is nearly impossible- but we know that we have over 100 and are so grateful to everyone who has sent us an angel.

These last couple of days have been good. I had a hard day on Monday. I kept coming across things like receipts for baby items, Hailey's card that the hospital placed on her bed and other misc items that had been so exciting and brought so much joy and anticipation. Looking at them makes me remember all those wonderful feelings and now to have sadness and pain in place of them - well, it just made for a bad day.

I am grateful that I don't have those days everyday. I am grateful that most of the time I feel fairly strong. I don't remember if I posted this before, but Aaron and I were talking about the fact that we have physically felt the prayers that have been said on our behalf. We know that most of our strength at this time has come from the prayers of our family and friends. Thank you! We could not be making it through this time without all of you. Thanks to all of you who call to check in on us and for those of you who have helped keep us busy so that we have less "quiet time". We love you all!

A child's grief

Since Aaron and I have never had to deal with this kind of tragedy in our lives the grieving process is completely new to us. It has done really weird things to us that we never expected. We would have thought that one who was grieving would be extremely sad and possibly depressed. That might cause us to feel like staying in bed all day or just not motivated to do things. Gratefully I haven't had the desire to stay in bed all day and I don't think that Aaron has either. It does help to have two children who need us and require for us to be up and functioning.


The thing that has really caught me of guard about grief is the way that it has totally destroyed my mind. I'm not sure it is something that I can explain well enough for anyone who hasn't gone through it to truly understand it. There is a blanket of fog over my brain like I have never experienced before. Most women have experienced the pregnancy or "mom" fog that comes with having kids - you just can't remember things or feel very "spacey". The fog Aaron and I have now is 10 times as bad. I know there is something in there that I am suppose to be thinking, but for the life of me I can't find it. I have always been a math person - call me a dork, but I love figuring out problems. I made a large batch of hot chocolate the other day and was dividing it up so the kids could take it to their teachers. I needed more hot chocolate and wanted to make sure that one more batch would be enough. I sat in the kitchen completely perplexed and for the life of me could not figure out mathematically if the batch would divide into what I needed. What is that????


Things at the office that I would normally handle with no problems, like the need for flood insurance make me freeze because I don't know where to start. I sit there completely overwhelmed by this simple task. I wanted to cook roast the other night and was at the grocery store. I was able to buy the roast, but couldn't come up with anything else that I needed. By the grace of Heaven I had the other ingredients at home, but hadn't even thought of anything else to go with the dish like rolls or a salad so we just ate roast. Actually I discovered some rolls in the freezer from when my mother-in-law was here so we did have rolls too, but not because I planned for them.

This post doesn't sound like it has anything to do with the title "A child's grief". We as adults are able to sit and analyze the way we are feeling. I know my brain is in a complete nonfunctional fog. My poor children though don't have the ability to figure out why they feel different. Nathan has always been my sensitive boy. He has always reacted to my emotions. Since Hailey passed away we have been struggling with some serious attitude and emotional issues. There were so many changes that happened in such a short time - grandparents in town and in charge, then a new baby at home, then no more baby, and a mom and dad who are sad and crying. I can't imagine how that has turned Lexy and Nathan's world upside down. Aaron and I have struggled with how to handle these melt downs that Nathan has been having. He almost throws a tantrum like a 2 year old. Do we give time-out? Do we sit and cuddle? We met with a counselor last week and she suggested that if he is doing something that under "normal" circumstances would have resulted in a time-out, then we should continue to give the time-out and follow it up with extra hugs and reassurance and maybe even some discussion about Hailey.


I have still been struggling with how Nathan reacts to things. He just falls apart and starts screaming and crying about things that seem so silly. It must have been my own brain fog that kept me wondering why he was reacting this way -- duh! Thankfully I had a moment the other day where my fog temporarily cleared and I began to understand his grief. The kitchen counters were a mess - Christmas cards, my purse, the car keys, my phone, baskets, kids cups and a glass of water. I don't remember what I was doing, but I knocked over the glass of water which drenched everything in it's path. Normally this would have been inconvenient, but at that moment my first reaction was to completely fall apart and sit on the floor and cry. I held it together, but as I glanced over at my sweet boy, who was at that moment sitting in time-out for hitting, I understood. Things are just the same for him as they are for me. He is overwhelmed by things that normally are no big deal. He just doesn't have the ability to analyze his feelings or express them in any other way. I am so grateful for this insight I was given. I feel I can be a little more patient with him because he lost his baby too and he is just as sad as I am. And on top of the fog that has covered his brain the poor child only has the ability to comprehend all this on like an eighth of the ability that I do. How hard this must be for him. How confused he must be.


We still have a lot to learn and a lot more grief to pass through before this fog begins to clear. I hope that everyone can be patient with us as we try to be patient with ourselves and each other. I would like to think that with each new day the grief, the fog, the confusion will lessen and it will over time, but at this point each new day can still bring new emotions, new forms of grief, and I think that if we just focus on the day we are in we will have the strength to make it through. Today I feel strong so far. I was able to get out of bed with only a few small tears. So I will make it through today and tomorrow I will deal with tomorrow.