Sprout Master

I know I still need to get Lexy's baptism pictures up here, but I just have a minute and I wanted to get this on here before I forgot.

The other day Nathan and I were driving in the car and he said, "Mom, when do I get to be a sprout master like daddy?" I thought I understood what he was trying to say, but just for clarification I asked, "What do you mean?" He said, "When do I get to be a sprout master so that I can go camping?" Aaron is currently the scout master at church and Nathan wants to be just like his daddy. SO CUTE! I couldn't correct him, so I replied, "You can be a sprout master when you are a daddy, but you'll get to go camping when you turn 12."

These moments make me smile for a lifetime.

VPK Graduation

Okay....I have updated the side with pictures of all our kids. I have included Hailey in our "about us" column and I have her story on there too. I have picked a new background...so, I guess it is about time I put some recent events that are important in the lives of Lexy and Nathan on this blog because they are just as important as she is. I cannot let them feel like they are any less than her. They are not less important, less unique, less perfect, less lovable, less special. They are not any less than she is!

So without any further hesitation......

I cannot believe that Nathan is done with VPK and ready to go onto Kindergarten! I feel like we just celebrated Lexy's VPK graduation. Has three years already flown by? I realized after the fact that we never took any pictures of Nathan by himself, but we got some cute ones with friends. Below is Nathan with his cute friend Ansley (apparently Nathan's first kiss - he is such the ladies man!)

Below is Nathan's best buddy this year - Stephen. We hope to have lots of fun play date's with him this summer! Between the two of them they could really break some hearts!


I was not in a good place to get pictures of Nathan when he crossed the stage. So this is the best picture I got. Better than nothing I guess.

Our family

Moving Forward.....I think

I woke up this morning at 4:30. I tried to go back to sleep, but after checking the clock every 10 minutes I decided that I might as we get up and do something. My first thoughts were about Lexy....."I should post some pictures about her baptism yesterday", I thought. So I got up and quietly found the camera in the living room and came into the office. I sat down and pulled up my blog. I looked at the background with the baby prints on it and thought, "maybe I should change the background". I know this is not okay for my other children, but I have not felt like I could post something about just them - but how could I not post Lexy's baptism? I think I have felt like that would be betraying Hailey...how can I move on?

It's kind of like my facebook page. I had posted pictures of Hailey on there and talked about her a little but then I didn't want to put anything else on there because it would move her down the page. Maybe it is the Lord's way of helping me try to move forward but I had a birthday and all of my dear friends wished me happy birthday and quickly moved Hailey right off the front page. I hated that.....Not all of the birthday wishes - I was grateful for those - but I hated that Hailey was not on the front page. I guess it is still part of my need to shout to the world that I have another child. I don't feel like I can do anything about it, but I don't want to push her even further down the line so I don't post anything. My facebook page is frozen for now.

Anyway, after thinking about the background on my blog I thought, "If I finally update the pictures and info on the side to include pictures of my kids, including Hailey, then she will be forever on the front page and it will be okay for me to move on a little. For the last month, though, we haven't been able to find the disc that we got with her hospital pictures on it. I had tried and tried to find it before mother's day because I made a small photo album for my mother and two grandmothers with all the pictures of Hailey and everyone who held her. Anyway, I had just said to Julia last night that we still had not been able to find the CD (she and Sterling had helped turn the house upside-down looking for it in May). So I sat here in front of the computer and prayed with every fiber in my being that if it was in the room please help me to find it. I started looking for the hundredth time in the shelving unit that houses all our books, craft stuff, photo albums, computer, etc.... I thought maybe it is in something....maybe it got placed inside the cover of a book.... So I took all the books that I might have used in the last few months and flipped through all of them with no luck. I said another prayer and then I had the thought...."look in your old church bag". I quickly found it and started looking in the front pocked. I came across some money that people had given me when ordering Time Out for Women tickets. I came across an invitation for Lexy's "It's great to be 8" activity that I thought I had never received (sorry Kara). Then I felt it in my chest....I felt it in my heart...I felt Hailey right there saying, "keep going mom, it's in here, your going to find it." I opened the next compartment so excited, but cautious, not wanting to be disappointed and started flipping through old papers, an Ensign magazine and then I saw it! The CD with Hailey's pictures on it. I sat and held it and cried and thanked my Heavenly Father over and over for helping me find one of the most precious things I have....feeling the spirit of my baby girl....feeling so thankful that the Lord has not forgotten me...so thankful that he would let me have this moment with Hailey and that he heard me and answered my prayers.

Now, maybe now, I can take another step towards moving forward. Now I have had one more reminder that Hailey is still close when I need her. It is hard not to have her close all the time, but I know that she will come when I really need her. Thank you, Thank you, Heavenly Father!

Aaron and I have been seeing a grief counselor for the last month. It has been helpful. Although I feel we have a long way to go, she has helped us make some much needed changes in our family and on our road of "moving forward". A couple of weeks ago we took down Hailey's room. We did it for Family Home Evening with the kids. I was really strong that night until I realized after everything was tucked away, and I was taking the letters of her name off the wall that Julia made for me, that I hadn't gotten a picture. I struggled for a while after that. Lexy moved back into that room later that week. We still haven't moved everything out of Nathan's room, but it has been really good for her to be in her own room again.

I have been feeling lately that maybe it would be okay if we took down Hailey's angel tree. It doesn't bring me the peace that it did in the past. I think all of these things have been memorials for me....her room...her tree....the big pictures in the living room from the funeral...the blog...my facebook page. Slowly I am realizing that those things aren't Hailey. Like this morning, she is here with me and I will feel her and know it, when I need it. So maybe it will be okay to move forward just a bit.

My Mother's Day

**I hesitated to post this because the content of this post is raw and detailed (maybe somewhat graphic). But this is my blog and my journal...so just be warned.**

Mother's Day started out as most of my Mother's Days have in the past. I wake up alone in my bed with the smell of something yummy cooking in the kitchen. Only this time my morning thoughts are not what they were in the past. In fact I'm not sure I remember what I thought about when I woke up before Nov. 26, 2009. It was probably my "t0-do" list. Now when I wake up my thoughts are immediately about Hailey. On "strong" days I think about what she is doing. I know she is busy at work - but what kind of work? Maybe she is hanging out with my grandfathers who have passed away...I don't know, but I still wonder.

On "not-so-strong" days my memories of her short life flood my mind. Thoughts of us in the hospital right after she was born -- So happy to have her in my arms... thinking at first that she looked like Lexy, but realizing there are Nathan's qualities in her face too...loving watching the kids with her and seeing their excitement....feeling frustrated that I can't get my third child to latch on, but not panicking because I'm a pro and I know we will get this figured out...glad to be home and trying to enjoy my baby despite the severe pain from my double mastitis infection....loving, just LOVING her cheeks, they were sooo soft and lovey...realizing that I am not going to be able to breastfeed because the milk I pumped was pink (more blood than milk) and the infection was only getting worse...crying and apologizing that I couldn't breastfeed her...feeding her a bottle, just happy that I knew she was getting milk (and it is always nice to know how much)...

THEN...realizing that something was wrong...seeing her lips and her hands and feet blue...trying to get a hold of a nurse on Thanksgiving....rushing to the emergency room while leaving the rest of our family just before dinner....holding her tiny hand wrapped around my finger while they poked her over and over and realizing that something was very wrong because she never even cried...watching them bend her in half while they took spinal fluid to test for something "more serious"...walking next to her tiny body on a regular-sized hospital bed when they wheeled her up to the children's ICU...sitting in the corner of the room, staying out of the way while the doctor and like six nurses put in tubes and added medication after medication...trying to pray for her but realizing that it wasn't suppose to be...listening to the doctor telling us that her little body had gone through too much and that she would be brain dead if we tried to keep her alive...her heart had already stopped beating twice...giving her our final kisses and telling her we loved her and giving her permission to go...then calling my parents and asking them to bring the kids to say good-bye...just wanting to take her home with me but knowing that I can't...

This is my morning routine. I am use to it now. Depending on what I have to do that day determines how long I let myself remember...how deep I allow myself to feel the feeling of those moments. Whether or not I let one tear fall or many. Yesterday I let a few fall, then the kids came in to tell me breakfast was ready. Lexy says, "why are you crying?" Nathan answers, "because of Hailey. Don't talk about her or it will only make her sad". I feel I need to move on, for my children, so that they can see I am happy on Mother's Day.

I was blessed with a tender mercy from the Lord in Sacrament. Nathan fell asleep in my arms and slept through the whole meeting. As my arm was throbbing from holding up my 40 pound child I had the thought, "I should have a sleeping baby in my arms today, and the Lord saw fit to bless me with one." I am so grateful for that and will always cherish that moment.

The picture below is of Nathan and Lexy sleeping on their floor. They has asked me to close the door so they could go to sleep Saturday night (we had family over because my grandmother had just flown into town). With them promising that they would actually sleep I closed the door. Before I went to bed I decided to check on them and this is what I found. Aaron wondered if we should put them back into their beds and I said no, it is a weekend night, let's leave them. Nathan obviously did not sleep well since he was ready for a nap at 10am and then ended up falling asleep at 5pm also, but it was well worth it because I got a "baby" who slept in my arms during Sacrament on Mother's Day.

An Eternal Perspective

The White Rose

All the earth’s mothers were gathered together at God’s garden of flowers. Those beautiful budding spirits, who would someday come to earth, were nurtured and tended in the garden. A loving Father spoke to the mothers: “See the works of My hands, someday you will be the mothers to these radiant spirits.” The garden glowed with the mixture of all kinds and colors. “Choose ye,” He said. Now in the east corner of the garden pure white roses stood as sentinels. They were not as colorful as the rest, but glowed with a kind of purity which set them apart. One by one the mothers stepped forward. “I want the blue-eyed, brown haired boy, full of life and love who would someday be a prince in a grand country. The garden buzzed with excitement as the others chose their own special spirits, those whom they would soon welcome into the warmth and love of and earthly home.Once again the loving Father spoke, “But who will take the white roses, the ones in the east corner of the garden? These will return to me in purity and goodness, they will not stay long in your home, for I must bring them back to my Garden for they belong with me, but they will gain bodies as was planned. You will miss them and long for them, but I will personally care for them.” “No, not I, “many said in unison. “I could not bear to give one back so soon.” “Nor I,” said the others. “We will take those who will remain and grow to maturity and live long lives.”The loving Father looked out across the multitude of mothers with a longing in His eyes for someone to step forward. Silence. Then He said, “See the most pure and perfect of all the white ones? I chose Him. He will go down and be a sacrifice for all mankind. He will be scorned, mocked and crucified. He is mine own. Will not anyone choose like unto Him?” A few mothers stepped forward. “Yes, Lord, I will.” Then another, and “I as well”, “Yes, Lord we will.” Soon all the pure white roses were taken and they rejoiced in the choices of the mothers. The Father spoke again, “Oh, how blessed are you who chose the white roses, for your pain will be a heavy cross to bear, but your joy will be exceeding beyond anything you can understand at this time.” The white ones embraced their mothers, and so full was their purity and love that it filled their souls with such endearment. Each mother knew they could endure the task. And the greatest of all the white ones, gathered them as a hen gathers her chicks, and the outpouring of love surrounded each mother and child, consuming all the white ones as He prepared them for their task. And each Mother who bore the weight of the ‘White Rose’, would feel the overwhelming love of God, as they all shouted, “Thy will be done.”

I just found this post on a blog of another "angel mom". It was something I needed to read today. I think it is beautiful. The part that hit me the most was, "The white ones embraced their mothers, and so full was their purity and love that it filled their souls with such endearment." This is exactly how I felt my relationship with Hailey was. It is so hard to explain and to fully convey the connection, the love that we shared while she was in my womb. It was sooo strong. When I sit quietly and think about it I can still feel it. I can feel it now. I am so grateful for that and I hope that I can continue to feel it through the years.

Yesterday was hard for me when I realized that my birth date (the 26th) will forever be shared with the same date of Hailey's death. I don't know why it hadn't crossed my mind before. I felt like I had a cloud hanging over my day yesterday. Five months ago she left this world. Part of me can't believe it has already been five months and the other part of me feels like it has been forever since I had my sweet angel in my arms. The story above helps to bring my eternal perspective to the front of my mind. It is a constant struggle between the earthly and the eternal perspectives. Lately I feel like I have had a hard time keeping the eternal perspective close. I have really been struggling. For now I am grateful for this story to help me through today.

Emotions

WOW! Today was a day full of emotions. It started out normal - there was nothing at church that I felt would push me over the edge, send me into an unexpected emotional spiral....until the second hour of church. There was a woman who came and sat down in front of me during gospel doctrine. She had a baby in a car seat. The baby was cute and quite the chunk. I didn't recognize her so I went to say hi and so did my mom at the same time. We introduced ourselves and found out that Jenny was just in town for a few days while her husband was at a conference. She almost had not made it to church because she had gotten lost, but finally after one more try and some directions found her way.


I always look at babies when I see them, but I am not a good gauge of how old they are (thankfully). I often think, hmmm... "I wonder if that baby is as old as Hailey would be," but since I don't know I can emotionally move on. This morning my mom asked how old Jenny's baby was. As soon as she said it my heart sank. Five months, she said. Hailey would have been five months on Tuesday.

At that moment I go through this inner struggle. I want to shout, "I have a baby who would have been five months!" But then what good does that do? Then I have to go into the story and explain it to a perfect stranger. Part of me wants to ask to hold the baby and the other part of me thinks that after I tell them my story they will want me to be as far away from their baby as possible. (There are a lot of crazy women out there who have lost children and they don't know that I'm not one of them).

So after running through all of this in my head I just smile and say nothing. I thought, "I can handle this...I can be strong and just let it go." That strength lasted for about one minute. I watched Josie (the baby) play with the little laminated card hanging from the car seat handle. She would grab her mom's hand and hold on tight when she went to put the pacifier in her mouth. She was cooing and talking and so happy. That's when it all went down hill. My eyes started to water, then a tear fell, then two. I looked away and tried to blink the tears away, but every time I looked back at Josie it started all over. I pretty much cried through gospel doctrine. When we went into Relief Society I sat in front of Jenny so that I would not have to look at Josie for another hour. By this time she had fallen asleep.

Jenny started talking to me again despite the fact that my eyes were red and puffy and it was obvious I had been crying. Then she asked the magic question....do you have kids? I didn't get a word out before I fell apart again because I knew that I would tell her about Hailey. She told me how her sister had lost two babies - one just a few minutes after birth and the other in a miscarriage. Then she asked me if I wanted to hold Josie. Part of me wanted to scream yes and the other part of me wanted to say no. I hadn't held a baby since Hailey and I wasn't sure what would happen. Not wanting to say either I just said, "I don't want to wake her up". She told me it was no big deal and reached down, picked her up and placed her in my arms. She told me to hold her as long as I wanted. I cried, but I didn't want to cry on someone else's baby so I tried to stop as quickly as I could. For an hour it filled that void in my heart, the emptiness in my arms. I will never forget Jenny or Josie. I have longed and dreaded this moment for five months. I do have one more moment like this to face and that is when I hold a newborn. I am afraid that will be harder - still I long for it and dread it also. Although as I sat in gospel doctrine and wondered "why of all the places to sit did Jenny have to come and sit in front of me?" In Relief Society I was able to hold a beautiful baby girl and feel the spirit of my sweet Hailey close by and thank our Heavenly Father for helping Jenny make it to church and to cross our paths. After church was over Lexy, Nathan and Aaron all got to hold Josie. It was a tender mercy for our whole family.

After church we went to a special memorial service at Health Park hospital. Apparently they have a service in the spring and the fall for all the families who have lost children at the hospital. It was very nice. They read some poems, had some music, read the names of the children that had passed and gave each family a rose for each child, and let some butterflies go. The children were able to gather around and help let the butterflies out. Lexy had a butterfly land on the front of her dress. I told her that I thought Hailey had sent that butterfly to her just to let her know that she loves her and misses her. We both cried.

It was sad to see all the people who had lost children. There were multiple twins that had passed and my mom said that she even heard triplets. There were very young couples and older couples.

I had been feeling lately like I had lost some of the closeness I had spiritually to Hailey. Things have fallen apart - I've gained most of the weight I had lost in March, our budget that we had done so well with went to pot, I had fallen behind on my scripture study....I felt like I had lost control of my life lately and when that happens I just don't feel like my life is where it should be. Although at this point none of that has changed yet, my heart feels full. I feel like Hailey wanted to let me know that she is still close by and that she is still pulling for me and loving me and watching over me. I will continue to fight for her. I will continue to make my life the best I can so that I can be worthy to live with her again some day. I love you sweet angel baby!

Happy Easter

We wanted to make something special to put on Hailey's grave for Easter. The kids worked hard to paint and decorate some Easter eggs for Hailey. They turned out really cute. Since it was General conference we were able to go down Easter morning and visit Hailey and take her our gifts. Some how I think that Hailey's animal has become the frog. When we took her a special Valentine's bouquet there was a frog attached. I thought it was cute so we bought it. When I was in the store buying the Easter crafts I saw this little frog and grabbed it immediately. My first thought was that she already had a frog, I should look for something else. I was drawn to it though and felt like I needed to buy it, so I did. It wasn't until later that I really looked at it and realized that it was in a bunny suit with bunnies on the feet. This is special because Hailey wore a little pajama outfit for a couple of days that had little bunny feet just like this frog we gave her. Now I realize why I was so drawn to this little stuffed animal.... It reminded me of my sweet baby girl.