The diagnosis is....

I thought I would give you an update on the last post. The flu test also came back negative. I thought it was just a bug that we were going to have to let run it's course until yesterday. Nathan was complaining about his neck and head and refused to turn it. I was very nervous that we were dealing with spinal meningitis again and so we went back to the doctor's office. (We saw a different doctor so I didn't have to deal with my irritation from the day before). Anyway, they did a couple of tests and as is turns out Nathan has Mono!

So, I have cancelled my life for the next two weeks. Nathan is not allowed to go to school or play any sports. He is suppose to rest as much as possible. I was already behind at the office because of insane amounts of "no school" days in the month of January and now I have two more weeks of no school for Nathan. I am going to try to enjoy this down time as much a possible without stressing out. I'm sure that's the lesson I am suppose to learn with all of this. :o)

Irritated

I am a bit irritated today. Nathan came down with a fever on Saturday and has been complaining of a sore throat. He has definitely not been himself - he is on his second nap for today, poor little guy. Anyway, I took him to the pediatrician today just to have him take a look. The strep test came back negative and we are still waiting on the flu test results (hopefully negative too).

This pediatrician that I took Nathan to is the one that my children have been seeing since Lexy was a few months old. He is part of a large practice so we don't always see him when the kids are sick but we do see him for their "well" visits and if he is available when they are sick we will see him. The last time we were in there was just about three weeks before I had Hailey. I asked him some questions about whether or not I needed to do anything specific to have a pediatrician from the office see Hailey at the hospital. He told me about how the third child is different from the other two and how my life will change.

So I was a little worried about going in today because I figured that he would ask about the baby. He was not the doctor that ever saw Hailey at the hospital so I wasn't sure that he knew that she had passed away. (You would hope that even though they are part of a large practice somehow there would be just a tiny bit of communication in the office that would allow a doctor who has been treating a family for almost eight years know that their child passed away. However, the office called me two weeks after Hailey passed telling me I needed to schedule her for her two week check-up. When I told the teenager on the other end that she has passed away all she said to me was "oh, okay - thanks". I knew at that point that Hailey's file would probably be marked "in-active" and no one else would hear a thing.) So back to today... I thought that since I had been in there just a few months ago and we had discussed Hailey's birth that even though he probably had not been made aware of her death he would at least remember that she was born and ask about her. NOPE! Not one word. You would assume that I was never even pregnant. He asked about everyone else in the family making sure they weren't showing any signs of illness. Any concerns for a brand new baby??? NOPE!

So I have to say that today I felt like a number. I guess when I worried this morning about how I would hold it together when he asked, I just wasted my time. Needless to say, I am hurt and irritated!

Hospital Pictures

When we were at the hospital they came and took some pictures of Hailey. We had almost told them not to because we didn't plan on buying them but decided it wouldn't hurt. We thought the pictures were cute, but intended to go have our own taken for cheaper. We were told that if we wanted the pictures we would have to order them before we left the hospital. After Hailey passed we decided that since we had so few pictures of her we really wanted the ones from the hospital but were afraid that it was too late. We had tried to contact the company a few times with no luck. Aaron finally got in contact with them and we were able to order a CD with the pictures (there are 8) for way more than we would normally ever spend, but now our perspective has changed and there is no price too high for more pictures of our beautiful Angel. I thought I would share a few of the pictures with you.

To a Happy New Year

I want to start this year out in a positive way. I know that since we are here as mortals and cannot fully comprehend what the Lord has in store for us we will have times where the grief that comes as part of being human will take over. In fact it still happens more than once each day, but I look forward, in this new year, to the pain and sadness becoming less and less. I look forward to the time when I can focus more on the joy in Hailey's life and ours. We have been abundantly blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord over this last month and a half and I wanted to share a few of them.



First of all the love that we have felt from so many at church and in our community through selfless acts of service have been so helpful. The Lord has provided us shoulders to lean on through our amazing friends and family. I have received a few special gifts from friends that have meant so much to me. I love and appreciate all of them. The picture above is one that has brought me so much peace and comfort. Christ has my sweet baby girl in his arms. There is no better place for her to be. That does not make my arms ache any less, but it will hold me over until I can once again hold her in my arms. The Lord knew that I needed these special gifts. Multiple friends have said that they "new" the moment they saw their gifts or angel ornaments that it was exactly what they had been searching for. I know the Lord has used our friends as instruments to bring us the things that will bring us comfort and joy whether it be a hug, a phone call, an invitation, an act of kindness, or special gifts. I am thankful for that tender mercy.



Next as we have looked back on Hailey's short life we know that the Lord blessed us abundantly in the way things happened.

• Aaron's parents had come early so that they could be here to help when Hailey was born. They have not been with us for the birth of either of the other two children. They usually come for the blessing weeks later. They were here - able to see, hold and love our baby girl.


• When so many people lose their precious children before they are born or only hours later, we were blessed with 6 whole days to have her in our arms. Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Lexy and Nathan were able to hold her, love her, feed her, and connect with her. She only needed a body. She did not need those six day. They were a gift for us.


• So many children have to struggle through days or months spent in a hospital hooked up to IV's and tubes. Hailey passed within 8 hours of us realizing that something was wrong. We feel blessed that the Lord spared her and us the trauma of a long hospital stay.


• Aaron and I had both been prepared through our own separate and personal experiences for Hailey's passing. When it was time to let her go at the hospital we both knew deep down that she had fulfilled her life on this earth for now.


• The Lord blessed my body. Although I had a c-section only a week before she passed and a raging double mastitis infection I was able to go with Aaron to make all of the funeral arrangements and to even carry Hailey's coffin during the service. My recovery from this birth has been faster than any of my other deliveries.

Finally, the Lord has blessed us at the office. We have had a tough, and at times very stressful, year financially at the office. Usually December is one of our harder months - no one wants to fix their teeth when they have presents to buy. This year we had the best December we've had which is a huge blessing for us since we have extra tax expenses due in January. We don't have to stress about where the money will come from on top of everything else we have been dealing with.

As this new year begins I look forward hope for peace. Hope for happiness. Hope for comfort. Hope for joy. I look forward with Hope.

A new picture of Hailey's tree

I wanted to place an updated picture of Hailey's Angel Tree on here so you can see how beautiful it is. Unfortunately the picture doesn't do it justice. We love it looking at it. I really brings me peace and comfort. We have tried to count the ornaments -which I have to add is nearly impossible- but we know that we have over 100 and are so grateful to everyone who has sent us an angel.

These last couple of days have been good. I had a hard day on Monday. I kept coming across things like receipts for baby items, Hailey's card that the hospital placed on her bed and other misc items that had been so exciting and brought so much joy and anticipation. Looking at them makes me remember all those wonderful feelings and now to have sadness and pain in place of them - well, it just made for a bad day.

I am grateful that I don't have those days everyday. I am grateful that most of the time I feel fairly strong. I don't remember if I posted this before, but Aaron and I were talking about the fact that we have physically felt the prayers that have been said on our behalf. We know that most of our strength at this time has come from the prayers of our family and friends. Thank you! We could not be making it through this time without all of you. Thanks to all of you who call to check in on us and for those of you who have helped keep us busy so that we have less "quiet time". We love you all!

A child's grief

Since Aaron and I have never had to deal with this kind of tragedy in our lives the grieving process is completely new to us. It has done really weird things to us that we never expected. We would have thought that one who was grieving would be extremely sad and possibly depressed. That might cause us to feel like staying in bed all day or just not motivated to do things. Gratefully I haven't had the desire to stay in bed all day and I don't think that Aaron has either. It does help to have two children who need us and require for us to be up and functioning.


The thing that has really caught me of guard about grief is the way that it has totally destroyed my mind. I'm not sure it is something that I can explain well enough for anyone who hasn't gone through it to truly understand it. There is a blanket of fog over my brain like I have never experienced before. Most women have experienced the pregnancy or "mom" fog that comes with having kids - you just can't remember things or feel very "spacey". The fog Aaron and I have now is 10 times as bad. I know there is something in there that I am suppose to be thinking, but for the life of me I can't find it. I have always been a math person - call me a dork, but I love figuring out problems. I made a large batch of hot chocolate the other day and was dividing it up so the kids could take it to their teachers. I needed more hot chocolate and wanted to make sure that one more batch would be enough. I sat in the kitchen completely perplexed and for the life of me could not figure out mathematically if the batch would divide into what I needed. What is that????


Things at the office that I would normally handle with no problems, like the need for flood insurance make me freeze because I don't know where to start. I sit there completely overwhelmed by this simple task. I wanted to cook roast the other night and was at the grocery store. I was able to buy the roast, but couldn't come up with anything else that I needed. By the grace of Heaven I had the other ingredients at home, but hadn't even thought of anything else to go with the dish like rolls or a salad so we just ate roast. Actually I discovered some rolls in the freezer from when my mother-in-law was here so we did have rolls too, but not because I planned for them.

This post doesn't sound like it has anything to do with the title "A child's grief". We as adults are able to sit and analyze the way we are feeling. I know my brain is in a complete nonfunctional fog. My poor children though don't have the ability to figure out why they feel different. Nathan has always been my sensitive boy. He has always reacted to my emotions. Since Hailey passed away we have been struggling with some serious attitude and emotional issues. There were so many changes that happened in such a short time - grandparents in town and in charge, then a new baby at home, then no more baby, and a mom and dad who are sad and crying. I can't imagine how that has turned Lexy and Nathan's world upside down. Aaron and I have struggled with how to handle these melt downs that Nathan has been having. He almost throws a tantrum like a 2 year old. Do we give time-out? Do we sit and cuddle? We met with a counselor last week and she suggested that if he is doing something that under "normal" circumstances would have resulted in a time-out, then we should continue to give the time-out and follow it up with extra hugs and reassurance and maybe even some discussion about Hailey.


I have still been struggling with how Nathan reacts to things. He just falls apart and starts screaming and crying about things that seem so silly. It must have been my own brain fog that kept me wondering why he was reacting this way -- duh! Thankfully I had a moment the other day where my fog temporarily cleared and I began to understand his grief. The kitchen counters were a mess - Christmas cards, my purse, the car keys, my phone, baskets, kids cups and a glass of water. I don't remember what I was doing, but I knocked over the glass of water which drenched everything in it's path. Normally this would have been inconvenient, but at that moment my first reaction was to completely fall apart and sit on the floor and cry. I held it together, but as I glanced over at my sweet boy, who was at that moment sitting in time-out for hitting, I understood. Things are just the same for him as they are for me. He is overwhelmed by things that normally are no big deal. He just doesn't have the ability to analyze his feelings or express them in any other way. I am so grateful for this insight I was given. I feel I can be a little more patient with him because he lost his baby too and he is just as sad as I am. And on top of the fog that has covered his brain the poor child only has the ability to comprehend all this on like an eighth of the ability that I do. How hard this must be for him. How confused he must be.


We still have a lot to learn and a lot more grief to pass through before this fog begins to clear. I hope that everyone can be patient with us as we try to be patient with ourselves and each other. I would like to think that with each new day the grief, the fog, the confusion will lessen and it will over time, but at this point each new day can still bring new emotions, new forms of grief, and I think that if we just focus on the day we are in we will have the strength to make it through. Today I feel strong so far. I was able to get out of bed with only a few small tears. So I will make it through today and tomorrow I will deal with tomorrow.

Aaron's Talk from Hailey's Service

I have been wanting to put Aaron's talk on here, but didn't want to do it without asking him first. I finally remembered and with his permission I put his talk below.

Remembering Hailey Elizabeth

November 29, 2009

As I look out among you today I see many faces of loved ones, friends and family. I am so thankful that you all have come to support our family. I speak for all of us when we say thank you for all the loving support you have shown to our family.

We have experienced inexplicable joy and the deepest of sorrow in the last nine days. We welcomed one of God's choicest spirits into our family. The love and beauty and joy that Hailey brought into our lives was intense, immediate and all encompassing. I am so sorry that most of you never got to know her. I only hope that I can paint a picture for you of the amazing person that she was.

I was so proud of this little girl. We were all so excited to meet her and get to know her personality. I was blessed to hold her after she was born and bring her to meet her mommy for the first time. I was able to welcome her into this world and show her only love and kindness. I got to carry Hailey into the recovery room and place her on her little warming table and look on as the nurses gave her a sponge bath. I touched her skin and talked to her. I studied every little feature of her angelic face and tiny hands and feet. She was a little unsettled with this new experience outside of the womb. She needed the comfort only her mommy could provide. She did stop fussing the moment Melica was brought into the recovery room.

I was amazed at how serene and regal Hailey was. She never really cried much after that moment in the recovery room with her mommy. I was amazed at the intense gaze that she had into the eyes of her family. She was a sleepy baby for the most part, but when she opened her eyes and looked into yours, you connected with her deeply. She wanted me to know that she loved me and was thankful for helping her on her journey.

I was able to spend three days with her in the hospital just getting to know her. When she had trouble falling asleep, I would swaddle her in a blanket and lay her on my chest. Yes, I did become an expert swaddler! She was so content and I loved her with my whole being as she rested there. When we brought her home we all got to care for her. Lexy and Nathan were such big helpers and were so gentle with her. Hailey gazed into their eyes just as she did Melica's and mine as to say "I love you brother and sister". I changed lots of diapers it seemed in those six days. This is certainly not a task I cherished in the past, but I considered it an honor to serve Hailey. The nurses even commented on how good I was at it. I don't mean to brag on myself but Hailey had the best diaper changer and swaddler.

I would wake up each morning and thank the Lord for my little sweet angel. I was excited to hold her and kiss her. It was tough to go to work each day and I counted down the hours until I could go home for lunch and be with my family. I don't normally go home for lunch, but I did every day that week. I was there for her first sponge bath and was able to take pictures. I took the one of her on her blue towel that you see down in front on Wednesday.

Hailey was a big fan of the pacifier from day one. This was a blessing for her and for us. When we had to rush Hailey to the hospital on Thanksgiving the nurses had to take blood for tests. I was able to dip her little pacifier in sugar water and hold it for her. This helps babies to endure pain. I was honored to serve her and be there for her in her darkest hours. We held her and comforted her as long as we could. After doing all that the doctors could do they informed us that little Hailey's body could no longer endure. Melica and I then knew that she had to go back home. We were able to go to her side and kiss her face and tell her we loved her and that we would be reunited with her one day. Melica gave her permission to go.

I want to publicly thank my wife for the amazing woman that she is. I stand in awe of her strength and courage. Mothers are in partnership with God and they serve as vessels for the purest of spirits. Mothers perform a sacred duty and they do it with no thought of themselves. I can only strive to be a father equal to that of my children's mother. I want Alexys and Nathan to know how much we love them. I want to be the kind of father that my children deserve to have.

I believe that parenthood is an awesome responsibility. We believe that we lived with our Father in Heaven as spirit children of his before we came to this earth. Our mission is to come to this earth and gain a physical body and live our lives in such a way that would allow us to return home to live with our Father in Heaven again. God planned for us to be born into a family and that parents are responsible for providing physical and spiritual nourishment for each child.

I have felt that the veil between this life and the next has been very thin this last week. The Lord has provided comfort to our family in many ways. The promise of being able to have Hailey with us again is comforting. It was only moments after Hailey passed that I told Melica of the dream I had the night Hailey was born. I was sleeping there on the hospital room couch when I had a dream that Hailey had passed away. The dream was subtle in that Hailey was not herself, but a little teddy bear. It seemed silly that my child was a teddy bear and not a real baby, but sometimes dreams don't make sense. I remember feeling an intense sense of loss and sadness in that dream. I woke up and thought about it, but I dismissed it and put it out of my mind. It was not until Hailey was gone that I realized why I had the dream. The Lord has prepared us for this event in subtle ways and I can now see his tender mercy at work.

I know that our Heavenly Father knows me as an individual. He is aware of our little family and what our needs are, even before we ask. I have learned in my life up to this point that Heavenly Father blesses me with understanding after passing through trials. I have really been blessed in my life and have not had to endure many trials. I was raised in a wonderful family and was shown a lot of love and support. I have not had to struggle with many of life's tragedies because I was raised to obey the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ. The gospel principles are not given to restrict us, but to provide us with a road map for making correct choices that will afford us the blessings that naturally come from obedience. I don't mean to say that if you do everything right, you will be spared from grief or pain. I only know that when tragedy does come you may be given the strength to endure your trials. The scriptures are full of examples of overcoming trials through your faith. The Lord has told us that he will not give us any trials that we are not able to bare, if we put our trust in him. We have choices to make in this life. We cannot choose what happens to us, we may only choose how we will react. We will choose to live better and love deeper so that we may be worthy to live as an eternal family with Hailey.

I would like to encourage you all to go home today and hug your babies. Love people more freely and look for the good in others. Hailey's life has impacted not only our family, but hopefully all of yours after today. We will not be the same family now. We will live with more purpose and intensity. I believe we are all here to complete our life's mission until we are all one day called back home to our Father in Heaven.

Hailey Elizabeth was too perfect for this earth. She was not required to go through the process of refinement as a result of trials. She will never have to endure the hardships we have to face. All she ever knew was the loving touch of those who cared for her. I cannot think of a better life than that. I am honored to call Hailey daughter and will cherish her all the days of my life until I can hold her in my arms once again.

(I just have to note that I am very aggravated with blogger right now because no matter how many spaces I put between the paragraphs it randomly decided which ones it was going to space and the others it just smashed them together. If anyone has any advice on how to make this dumb program do what I want I will gladly take it!)