The doctor's explanation

The dress that we buried Hailey in.

My only picture of Hailey's feet... all dress in white.

We received Hailey's death certificate a few days after her funeral. On it the cause of death stated the following: Septic shock, Sepsis, Meningitis, Bacteremia, Staphylococcus Aureus. Obviously that is a lot more than we expected to see on there and although we felt like we knew what those things were we felt like we needed a little more explanation.

Last Thursday we were able to sit down with the doctor that treated Hailey in the emergency room and the Children's ICU and ask him some questions. We were a little nervous about this meeting, hoping that it wouldn't just bring more pain. We also worried that the doctor would feel like we were there to find fault and would be hesitant to talk to us. We said a prayer before we went in asking that the doctor would say things that would help us feel peace about Hailey's cause of death.

The doctor was very kind. He told us that he was so sorry and that although he only knew Hailey for a few hours he had become invested in her life and he could only imagine the pain we were experiencing. He explained that some how Hailey had been infected with Staph Aureus. There is no way for us to know where it came from. It is a very common bacteria found on all of our bodies and in our mucus membranes. She was only at the hospital and at home. We didn't take her out anywhere and no one held her but hospital staff and our families. She could have gotten it at the hospital or picked it up from one of us - we will never know. He also said that because babies have no immune system she could have been infected for a few days or only a few hours before we saw any signs.

We wanted to know if we missed signs that she was sick. Because babies don't have immune systems they do not get fevers - this is something I did not know. Their bodies don't have the ability to fight infections like ours, where we would normally get a fever. Somehow the Staph Aureus made it into Hailey's blood stream. That is when it became fatal. Once it was in her blood it spread through her entire body - into every organ and tissue. This caused her body to start to shut down and get cold. The one and only sign we saw was her blue lips, hands, and feet - her temperature was 94.9. The doctor informed us that by the time we saw this it was her bodies way of coping - she was in shock. Her liver and kidneys had already been destroyed and her body was starting to shut down - she was in septic shock.

During our conversation he said, "I don't know if you believe in a higher power, but with Hailey's case I just have to think that someone up there had a different plan for her". This brought us the comfort that we needed. To hear a medical doctor, not of our religion, state that she had somewhere else she was suppose to be, reconfirmed our feelings. Even though we know this already we still need that reassurance.

Grief is a funny thing. Sometimes I feel really strong and know that Hailey fulfilled her mission on earth and feel peace with where she is. Other times I am not so strong and I think of the few hours before she turned blue - what did I miss? What should I have seen? There must have been something I could have done to save her life! In those dark times I have to some how bring myself back to the peace that I know must be deep down inside. Sometimes I just need that reassurance that she is were she is suppose to be and that as the doctor said "someone up there had a different plan for her".

We are grateful that we were able to meet with the doctor. He reassured us that we did everything right. There was nothing else we could have done differently. Once babies get an infection they can pass away within a few hours. She was suppose to go back home. That knowledge brings peace, but unfortunately it doesn't always take away the pain.

What we need...

I know that friends want to know what they can do for us at this time. I have been trying to figure out what I need so that I can let you know. All I know right now is that silence is really hard to deal with. If I am not busy and distracted then grief usually takes over. Even when I am busy, random thoughts like "I should be pushing my baby in a stroller with me as I walk around this mall" pop into my head. If I am not thinking about something specific then I am usually thinking about Hailey. Depending on the day, and more specifically the moment, this does not always mean tears. Sometimes I am strong and feel peace. Other times the sorrow is too much and I can't hold the tears back.

I have been following a blog of a mother that lost her little girl in a drowning accident. I accidentally found it about a year and a half ago and have followed it ever since. I am taking one of her posts and adding it to the bottom of this post. Her name is Stephanie and she created this post about six weeks after she lost her little girl. It was helpful for me as I had a friend lose her little boy just a few weeks later. I thought I would post it for a lack of knowing what else to say about this subject. I feel that most of this post is pretty accurate. I thought about adding my comments to it, but I think I will just leave it as she wrote it for now. I hope this is helpful.

I do want to say THANK YOU for everything that everyone has done so far -- the flowers, the dinners, the cards, the angel ornaments (I will need to post a new picture as I think we have received close to 80 ornaments so far), and the books. (Stephanie comments on books -- I have received a couple and they have been helpful for me, so thank you for the books, too). We have felt so loved by so many thus far and it really has helped us. We cannot express the gratitude that we have enough. THANK YOU!


How to Treat a Friend Who Has Suffered a Loss
by Stephanie
To all those who have done things for and communicated with me. THANK YOU. I know anything you have done or said was an expression of your love and concern for me. I have not been offended by anything anyone has said to me and I appreciate everything people have done for me and given to me. I hope nothing I write will offend any of you or make you think I didn't appreciate something you said or did for me.

Why am I writing this guide? I grew up surrounded by brothers. I often got my feelings hurt by them. My mother taught me early in my life, "Men are obtuse. If you want them to say something or do something, you have to tell them exactly what you want them to say or do." That helped immensely in my family life, dating life, and married life. The same principal applies now. Fortunately, few have been in these terribly painful shoes. At the same time, few know what to do or say.

Luckily, my bishop visited with us in the hospital and on the Sunday Camille died. He took some time informing our church congregation of the news and relaying instructions on how I wanted people to treat me -- what not to say or do and how I would like people to treat me. For all the others out there who do not have this kind of preparation given, I write this guide.

So, someone you know has suffered a great loss. What should you do? What can you say?
I haven't suffered every kind of loss, but I think some of the things in the following guideline will apply to most kinds of loss and for most people. Those of you who have suffered similar loss, feel free to add your opinion in the comments. Those whose loved ones are suffering loss, if I do not address one of your questions of concerns, ask me in a comment and I will see what I can do about that.

1) Acknowledge the Loss. -- Don't let your fear of doing or saying the wrong thing keep you from doing or saying anything. It is important that your friend know you care. How you acknowledge the loss depends on your relationship with the person.

For a stranger - a blog comment, or if you have their address a note telling them how their loss has made you or the world better in some way. My sister in law was deeply affected by a tragedy last year in her neighborhood. A family in a minivan was hit from behind by a semi and their 3 children were all killed. Since this accident a year ago, every time my sister in law passes that exit on the freeway she tells her 3 kids that she loves them. That type of thing is great to relay to the grieving parents.

For a friend or acquaintance - Send a card, an email, flowers, a text message, a voice message, a contribution to a charity. Let them know you are thinking of them and praying for them. If you want to send a gift -- see my notes on the best gifts below.
When you see them for the first time after -- It is best to just give them a quick tight hug and tell them "I love you." Saying you are so sorry for their loss, crying, or talking in depth about the loss just brings up the feelings of pain we are trying so hard to work through. Also, be careful about the look in your eyes. Try to give a look of tender love and confidence. I know it is hard to control things like crying and the look of pity because seeing us makes you think of the loss and it saddens you. But what we need is love, not pity.

For a close friend - This is where things get tricky. We need different things at different times depending on the stage of grief we are in and how we are feeling that hour. When in doubt, ask your friend "What do you need right now? Space, a shoulder, a distraction, a joke, cookies, chocolate, Wii time?" Give them what they need at the time and don't expect the answer will be the same the next day or even the next hour. My friend Kathryn sent me my favorite Sprinkles cupcakes mix!The Red Velvet Chocotherapy was delicious! Thanks Kathryn!

Serve your friend. Most people will not tell you when they really need something. I highly recommend insisting on serving. Don't ask if they need help cleaning. Just show up with your gloves on a cleaner in your hand and ask to see their bathroom. After my first miscarriage, a friend of mine called to see if she could come clean my house. I was hesitant. I couldn't do it but my mom was coming and she could. My friend insisted. "I will clean your place so your mom can spend time tending you," she said. She came over and got on her hands and knees and scrubbed my gross bathroom and cleaned my whole apartment. I will admit, I was a little embarrassed at first, but that act of service forged a bond of love for this friend that is unbreakable. I love Daleen and 8 years later we still are great friends even though we have lived in different cities for the last 6 years. She will be in town visiting me next week. Yeah!

I had so many old friends who came to the funeral. That is another thing a close friend should do if it is possible. Go to the funeral. If it is long distance, your friend will likely not expect you to come. But if you do make that extraordinary effort, your friend will appreciate it.

Family - Come. If it is at all possible, come as soon as you can to surround your family member in unconditional, nonjudgemental love and support. Then do anything you can to help them. Do all the things I wrote in the close friend section. But most importantly just be with them. Even if you don't talk. Just be near them.

2) Want to send a gift?
For Children -- When there is a child involved, sending a fun surprise really can take their mind off of their sorrow for a while. I think "doing types" of gifts are wonderful. My children loved the crafts people sent. My kids happen to really love stuffed animals, I know not all kids do, but mine do and they received several that they treasure. Happy mail from other kids is also a great treat for kids.

For Men: My husband tells me guys don't want stuff. They want distraction -- escapism. They want a guy friend to call them up and invite them out for a guy movie or a game of baseball or whatever else they are into. I have said this before but I also think the Wii or those kinds of distractions are good.

For Women: Sentimental gifts probably top my list. Photos, songs, DVDs, poems, the locket I got, the scrapbook, the magic blanket, tulips. Every gift says "I love you" and so every gift is wonderful.

Books:
Most people who experience a loss also receive a number of grief books. I am no exception. The only problem with grief books is that it is VERY difficult to read anything of any length when you are submerged in grief. Your brain just cannot focus on something other than that which is lost for more than a few moments. So reading ... well ... I managed to skim one or two books on helping children through their grief because I felt it was necessary for me to know this as a mother. That was so hard to do though. I am an avid reader and I have only managed to read one light historical fiction book. It was a bit of escapism for me but even then I was not as into it as I would normally have been. It took weeks before I could even watch TV (well except for SYTYCD). Reading takes so much more concentration than that. I am getting to the point where I think I could read more now, but I am still not up for any book about sad things.
I am sure there is great information in the books that I have. I am not saying no one should send grief books. But I think it would be more helpful if you took the time to read the book before you sent it and pick a few quotes that you think will be the most helpful to the person. Then type those quotes up and insert them in the book with a card. Inspiring and comforting quotes can be uplifting and strengthening. A few salient quotes are about the amount your brain can focus on when drowning in grief. Then later when the brain is more stable, the person can read the book for themselves.

3) Long term care:
Time is a strange thing. I see the date on my calendar is late July but to me it still seems like June. The last 6 weeks have been a blur. The world is moving on, moving forward, but for me, it is strange to think it isn't still June. If someone close to you has lost someone in their immediate family, you should assume that this will be a sorrow to them the rest of their mortal lives. They may not always talk about it. They may not always think about it. But it will never completely go away. I think it is great to "check up on" a friend a couple months after the loss again just to let them know you haven't forgotten their pain. I may write another post on this down the road when I have more experience with the long term end of it.

4) Remembering: You should not be afraid to mention those who have died. We who miss them most enjoy remembering them. We want others to remember them too. They are part of our family whether they are on earth or in heaven. But here I must add a caution. We want to remember our little one but we DO NOT want to remember the circumstances surrounding their death. For most of us, the day our child died or the day they were in the accident that would take their life was the WORST day of our lives. Personally, it is something I want to forever blot out of my memory. So, while it is natural to wonder about the details surrounding how a child died, DO NOT ask this of the grieving parent. If they want to tell you they will do it of their own accord. In the case of accidents, they have already had to relive the experience by telling it to the cops, CPS, and the coroner. Every time I have to tell someone about this day I am immediately taken right back there to all the horrid emotions and crippling questions that surround those events. "How" is just not that important. If you have to ask someone, ask a friend of the family, not the family itself.

5) How are you?: This is an unavoidable question in human society. We answer it everyday several times from loved ones and strangers. It becomes a dreaded question when you are dying inside and don't want to share that with the asker. For those of you grieving, I have found that "I am doing well right now" to be a good answer. If I am not doing well, I stay silent and nod my head. Or I say "good days and bad days." I am sure you have found your own strategies for answering this question as well.

For the askers, if you are really close to the person, I think it is okay to ask. Personally, I am not bothered by this question, but I know many others are. But for most friends, it is better if you just skip that question and say, "Hi. It is great to see you/hear your voice ..." then go onto the business of your call or visit.

I hope this helps some of you know how to deal with those who have experienced loss. I may have another installment later if I think of more things or if there are enough questions that need answering. Till then I will answer one of your burning questions. "How am I?"
"Today I am doing very well."

Message from Santa for Alexys

Click on the title above to see a special message that Santa sent to Lexy.

Message from Santa for Nathan

Click on the title above to see the special message that Santa sent to Nathan.

Hailey's Angel Tree

We were able to decorate Hailey's Angel tree tonight. We had my parents, Aaron's parents, Julia and Sterling and Aaron, Lexy, Nathan and I here. We started by watching Hailey's video and then we all took a minute to say something about her. The spirit was strong here. I'm sure that Hailey was with us as we could all feel of her love and her sweet spirit. We have been given so many beautiful gifts. Thank you to everyone who has contributed an angel for her tree. Each family member took a turn adding an angel ornament to the tree until it had been fully decorated. It looks beautiful. I just love it!

Hailey's Tree

Despite how hard yesterday was, or maybe because of it, last night before I went to bed was the first time, for me, that I really feel like I felt Hailey's presence. I felt like she was there giving me a hug and finally felt some peace. I was so grateful for that and hoped that it could carry me through the night and into the next day.

I really wanted to have a happier day today. When I woke up this morning I didn't get out of bed right away because the house was quiet. If the kids were up they were playing nicely. This is normally a time when I would have loved to close my eyes again and try to go back to sleep, taking full advantage of the quiet. It is different now. Quiet is not good. I immediately began to think of Hailey and how if she were here I would most likely be awake feeding her or would have finished and snuck her into bed with me. But I did not have a baby to feed or to snuggle with. I realized that if I continued to lay still my day would not be any better than yesterday, so I grabbed my scriptures and read them for a while. Then I grabbed my journal. I am behind in recording all that has happened over the past two weeks. I wrote in that for a while and then Nathan appeared. My saving grace. I no longer had to find something to fill the quiet. Before I got out of bed I thought about the peace I felt last night and decided that I would work really hard to keep that peace with me today.

Our friends the Montierths offered to come get the kids and take them to their house to play for the day. I don't feel like I need a break from the kids, but I think that it is a much needed distraction for the kids to go play with friends. They had a great time. Thank you Montierths.

While the kids were gone Aaron and I drove all over Ft. Myers looking for Hailey's tree. We have been given so many beautiful angel ornaments from friends to decorate Hailey's Angel tree with. We can't wait to get them on the tree. It took us most of the day, but we finally found a tree that we felt was Hailey worthy. We put it up tonight, but didn't have time to decorate it with the ornaments so hopefully we will do that within the next couple of days.

Overall I stayed fairly happy today. The problem I think is that I just didn't allow myself to feel today. Anytime I felt the sadness coming I immediately changed thoughts and pushed the sadness out of my mind. I'm not sure that is a very healthy way to deal with the grief. I don't think that suppressing it all the time is going to make things better. However, for today it allowed us to have a day that somewhat resembled our old "normal" life. For today it was nice.

Waves of Grief

Today has been a particularly hard day. I feel like the first few days of this week weren't that bad. I think because things were still kind of busy. We had Aaron's parents staying with us to help out when Hailey arrived. It was great to have them here - we really could not have made it without them. They helped so much with Lexy and Nathan - taking them to school and picking them up, taking them to the park, playing with them, distracting them and keeping them busy. Nathan has had a hard time adjusting to all of the change. I think just having Grandma and Grandpa in charge has been challenging for him - he likes to push the limits and he definitely tried and tested his grandparents. We thank Wes and Elaine for their patience with that. Then the arrival of a new baby is always an adjustment for the older siblings and to have her leave just as quickly as she came has been hard for the kids. Nathan has expressed more emotion about it than Lexy has. He constantly says that he misses her. We talk about how she is in heaven and we will see her again some day. Then he asks when she is going to come home. We've explained it every way we can. I think he will just have to get older before he can truly understand.

Some of the hardest moments for me over the last couple of days have been thinking at different moments that I should have a baby with me. I had a doctors appointment this morning and I told Aaron that I just wished that I had a baby screaming in the back seat because she was hungry and we were late for her feeding. As a new mom you never wish for those moments, but I would take anything that meant my baby was still here with me. I'm suppose to have her in my arms when we are reading scriptures and saying prayers with the kids at night. I should have her in the baby sling while making hot chocolate with the kids. I should be taking her for her two week check-up. I could go on and on....

There are so many people that are expecting to meet Hailey and when they see us they say with a huge smile, "How's the baby?" We have to tell them that she has passed away, which is the last thing they are expecting to hear, then I almost feel like I have to comfort them because they are so shocked they don't know what to say. Those are some of the hardest moments we are having to deal with now. I just wish there was a set time and once we reached that point the grief would be gone. Then I could look forward to that moment. Unfortunately life will never be the same for our family and we have to accept that.