Message from Santa for Nathan

Click on the title above to see the special message that Santa sent to Nathan.

Hailey's Angel Tree

We were able to decorate Hailey's Angel tree tonight. We had my parents, Aaron's parents, Julia and Sterling and Aaron, Lexy, Nathan and I here. We started by watching Hailey's video and then we all took a minute to say something about her. The spirit was strong here. I'm sure that Hailey was with us as we could all feel of her love and her sweet spirit. We have been given so many beautiful gifts. Thank you to everyone who has contributed an angel for her tree. Each family member took a turn adding an angel ornament to the tree until it had been fully decorated. It looks beautiful. I just love it!

Hailey's Tree

Despite how hard yesterday was, or maybe because of it, last night before I went to bed was the first time, for me, that I really feel like I felt Hailey's presence. I felt like she was there giving me a hug and finally felt some peace. I was so grateful for that and hoped that it could carry me through the night and into the next day.

I really wanted to have a happier day today. When I woke up this morning I didn't get out of bed right away because the house was quiet. If the kids were up they were playing nicely. This is normally a time when I would have loved to close my eyes again and try to go back to sleep, taking full advantage of the quiet. It is different now. Quiet is not good. I immediately began to think of Hailey and how if she were here I would most likely be awake feeding her or would have finished and snuck her into bed with me. But I did not have a baby to feed or to snuggle with. I realized that if I continued to lay still my day would not be any better than yesterday, so I grabbed my scriptures and read them for a while. Then I grabbed my journal. I am behind in recording all that has happened over the past two weeks. I wrote in that for a while and then Nathan appeared. My saving grace. I no longer had to find something to fill the quiet. Before I got out of bed I thought about the peace I felt last night and decided that I would work really hard to keep that peace with me today.

Our friends the Montierths offered to come get the kids and take them to their house to play for the day. I don't feel like I need a break from the kids, but I think that it is a much needed distraction for the kids to go play with friends. They had a great time. Thank you Montierths.

While the kids were gone Aaron and I drove all over Ft. Myers looking for Hailey's tree. We have been given so many beautiful angel ornaments from friends to decorate Hailey's Angel tree with. We can't wait to get them on the tree. It took us most of the day, but we finally found a tree that we felt was Hailey worthy. We put it up tonight, but didn't have time to decorate it with the ornaments so hopefully we will do that within the next couple of days.

Overall I stayed fairly happy today. The problem I think is that I just didn't allow myself to feel today. Anytime I felt the sadness coming I immediately changed thoughts and pushed the sadness out of my mind. I'm not sure that is a very healthy way to deal with the grief. I don't think that suppressing it all the time is going to make things better. However, for today it allowed us to have a day that somewhat resembled our old "normal" life. For today it was nice.

Waves of Grief

Today has been a particularly hard day. I feel like the first few days of this week weren't that bad. I think because things were still kind of busy. We had Aaron's parents staying with us to help out when Hailey arrived. It was great to have them here - we really could not have made it without them. They helped so much with Lexy and Nathan - taking them to school and picking them up, taking them to the park, playing with them, distracting them and keeping them busy. Nathan has had a hard time adjusting to all of the change. I think just having Grandma and Grandpa in charge has been challenging for him - he likes to push the limits and he definitely tried and tested his grandparents. We thank Wes and Elaine for their patience with that. Then the arrival of a new baby is always an adjustment for the older siblings and to have her leave just as quickly as she came has been hard for the kids. Nathan has expressed more emotion about it than Lexy has. He constantly says that he misses her. We talk about how she is in heaven and we will see her again some day. Then he asks when she is going to come home. We've explained it every way we can. I think he will just have to get older before he can truly understand.

Some of the hardest moments for me over the last couple of days have been thinking at different moments that I should have a baby with me. I had a doctors appointment this morning and I told Aaron that I just wished that I had a baby screaming in the back seat because she was hungry and we were late for her feeding. As a new mom you never wish for those moments, but I would take anything that meant my baby was still here with me. I'm suppose to have her in my arms when we are reading scriptures and saying prayers with the kids at night. I should have her in the baby sling while making hot chocolate with the kids. I should be taking her for her two week check-up. I could go on and on....

There are so many people that are expecting to meet Hailey and when they see us they say with a huge smile, "How's the baby?" We have to tell them that she has passed away, which is the last thing they are expecting to hear, then I almost feel like I have to comfort them because they are so shocked they don't know what to say. Those are some of the hardest moments we are having to deal with now. I just wish there was a set time and once we reached that point the grief would be gone. Then I could look forward to that moment. Unfortunately life will never be the same for our family and we have to accept that.

Hailey's Memorial Service

Hailey Elizabeth Leishman

November 20, 2009-November 26, 2009

Memorial Service held November 29, 2009 @ 1:30 pm

I thought that I would put my talk on here that I gave at Hailey's memorial service on Sunday.

I didn't have my sweet baby girl long enough to:

• take pictures of her hands and feet.
• to get her dressed up in a cute outfit with a bow in her hair.
• to hear her babble or coo.
• to see as many of her "firsts" as I would have liked.
• or to watch her grow and develop into the beautiful woman I know she was to become.

But, I had her for six amazing days and in those six days I spent time with the most amazing baby girl. She came out crying the biggest crocodile tears you've ever seen. Even the nurses were amazed. Aaron and I feel very strongly that she knew her mission here on earth would be a short one. Heavenly Father also knew her mission would be short and blessed us with many special and sacred experiences to help prepare us for what was to come. I would like to share something that I wrote in my journal on September 26th of this year.

The main reason I picked up my journal this morning was to write about my feelings about this pregnancy. We are having a baby girl and have decided to name her Hailey Elizabeth. I don't know why but I feel a really strong connection with this sweet spirit within me. Her spirit is so strong and my love for her is stronger than I have felt with my other pregnancies at this point. I always instantly love and bond with my babies when they are born, but I feel like I already know Hailey. The analytical part of me wonders why this baby is different. Is there something physically wrong with her? Will something happen and I won't be able to raise her? Or will she have disabilities? The spiritual side of me wants to think that she is just one of those amazing spirits that shines and glows of strength and sweetness. Either way, she and I already have a strong, beautiful connection and I am grateful for that. I am excited and anxious to hold her in my arms!

I have to note that both of my hunches were correct. I was blessed with a baby who had one of those amazing spirits that did shine and glow of strength and sweetness. She and I had a bond that we shared long before I could actually touch her cheeks or kiss her nose. I will always cherish that.

We have shared with the kids that because her spirit was so beautiful and strong that she didn't have to come to earth like the rest of us to be tried and tested. She only had to come to gain her body and she could go home to our Heavenly Father. With that perspective I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for allowing her to be a part of our family for six amazing days so that we did have the time to...

• look deep into her eyes and feel of the love she had for us. She looked into every one of our eyes with intensity as if to say, "Please know how much I love you!"
• to fall in love with her beautiful face and features and her "little man" hair - long on the sides and back and practically bald on top.
• to have her grip tightly to each one of our fingers as to give us a hug to let us know she will miss us and love us forever.
• to marvel at the size of her feet - we were sure that she would become a basketball player one day.
• to snuggle with her and feel the softness of her skin against our cheeks.
• to give her lots and lots of kisses - even Eskimo and butterfly kisses.
• to learn that her personality was one of love, sunshine, sweetness and purity.
• and to fall madly and deeply in love with her.

My tears have not been tears of anger or hate. They are tears of missing and heartache for the loss of the things I listed in the beginning that I will not be able to do with my sweet angel on this earth. But, I know without a shadow of a doubt that she and our family will be reunited again some day. It will make the days on this earth seem longer than they use to be, but I am a fighter. I will work hard to live the best life I can live for her and for the two beautiful children that I still have here. I know a few "Angel mom's" and they are some of the strongest, amazing and most spiritual women you will ever meet. It is my turn to become one of those women.

I love my Heavenly Father. I am forever grateful for the time he allowed us to be with Hailey and for all of the sacred moments we shared with her and for the ways that he prepared us for what was to come. Aaron and I were both at peace with the situation when she passed, knowing deep down inside our broken hearts that she was not suppose to stay with us any longer. It was time for her to return home. I know that she is safe and happy there and I look forward to the day that we can wrap our arms around each other and be an eternal family.

Hailey Elizabeth Leishman

I am not sure if this video is going to work. I hope it does. This is our sweet Hailey Elizabeth. I believe that most of you know by now, but our sweet angel was called home unexpectedly to be with her Heavenly Father on Thanksgiving Day. We thought that she was a healthy baby girl, but when I went to change her diaper at about noon on Thanksgiving I noticed that her lips, hands and mouth were blue. We took her to the emergency room where they worked on her tirelessly for hours. Her little body could take no more and she left us at about 8:30 that evening. We are heartbroken that we do not have our sweet Hailey with us physically anymore, but we are comforted to know that she is with our Heavenly Father. We are also grateful that her time in the hospital hooked up to so many tubes and IV's was but a few short hours. Her mission on this earth was meant to be a short one and we are at peace with that. We have had many special spiritual experiences that have given us comfort over the last week and a half. We love our sweet angel baby and miss her dearly!

We have a new baby!

Announcing Hailey Elizabeth Leishman - born Friday, November 20th at 10:32 am. She weighed 7lbs. 4oz. and is 19.75 in. long. I have to thank Julia and Sterling for these pictures. We thought we were coming all prepared with the camera, video camera and laptop so that we could put pictures up immediately. The only thing we forgot was the card reader for the camera, so we can't get any of our pictures on the blog yet. So, we will have to post more later.


Hailey is doing well. She is a typical newborn - very sleepy and not very interested in eating. We are having a bit of a problem with her latching on, but we are not giving up. I am recovering fairly well from my c-section and look forward to getting rid of the pain.


The kids have been really good with Hailey so far. Lexy is a natural mommy and is already telling Nathan to be careful. Nathan had been very gentle and also loves to hold Hailey. We will keep our fingers crossed that they continue with such loving behavior and jealousy doesn't take over. I will put some more pictures on when we get home and I have my card reader.