July 16th, 2013
At home Kinsley was immediately snuggled and loved by her big sister and brother!
Standing as A Witness
7 years ago
Monday, September 2, 2013
Going Home!
July 14, 2012
Our initial feelings were that we wanted to stay in the hospital as long as possible to make sure that everything was ok. We wanted access to medical attention. My OB had other thoughts, though... His concern was that the longer we stayed in the hospital the more chance we had of being exposed to something. Kinsley had been poked multiple times for many tests. She failed her hearing tests and so she had to have the specialty tests done. Thankfully she passed! We still didn't have any results form the tests that had been done, but agreed with the doctor that we didn't want to chance picking anything extra up from the hospital so we hesitantly decided to head home.
Jan was our nurse that first day and also the day we checked out. She was AMAZING! I am so grateful for her. She was very protective of us and made sure that we were left alone as much as possible, but that we had the "extra" care and attention our hearts needed. She will always have a special place in my heart.
Kinsley had already messed up the two outfits that we brought to the hospital so she had to go home in a very large donated outfit. Still cute as a button though!!
Formula or Breast Milk?
July 13, 2012
As I had said before we had decided that I would have my milk tested to make sure that there wasn't any infection left in my milk that would be harmful to Kinsley. So I began pumping immediately and this little cutie drank formula.
The nurses took the little milk that I was able to get and kept it in their refrigerator with the hope that when the tests came back okay we would be able to feed Kinsley the colostrum since she was missing that part. Unfortunately, we had a little set-back. On the second day of pumping the milk from my right breast started coming out brown. Not a good sign and an instant panic-starter for myself. The nurses were baffled. They didn't know what to do with that. So we instantly cultured my milk again and sent off for yet another test. It turns out that there is something called "rusty pipe" syndrome. Nice name, I know....lol. Anyway, because of the severe infection that I had with Hailey and the fact that I stopped breastfeeding over night my ducts where never able to completely drain and there was leftover blood cells that came out in my milk, making it a brownish color. Looking back it was a little humorous because I looked like I was making chocolate milk on one side and regular on the other. It wasn't funny then, though. There was no way that I was going to feed that milk to my baby, good or not, so we ended up dumping everything that I had pumped in the hospital and I didn't keep any milk until it looked normal again, which was around day four.
It took over a week, but finally got the good news that my milk was fine. It was such a relief to know that I could feed Kinsley breast milk!
Has it already been a year?
This blog has been my journal for the most part over the past few years. So it makes me sad to know that I have allowed a year to go by without recording all of the moments that we have had. My excuse (good or not) is that we put Kinsley's crib in the office. So when she was sleeping and I actually had a few minutes to think, she was in the same room as the computer. About a month ago we finally moved the "office" into our dining room. I was tired of never being able to get on the computer and I was also tired of having Kinsley spread across the house. We had her crib in the office, her changing table in the living room and her clothes in Lexy's closet and dresser. Now Kinsley has her own room and I can actually take a minute to get things done on the computer while she sleeps.
I cannot let this past year go without recording it. We had so many raw emotions and feelings when Kinsley was born. I hope that I can remember them and record them. So the next posts will be recording our lives over the past year....
I cannot let this past year go without recording it. We had so many raw emotions and feelings when Kinsley was born. I hope that I can remember them and record them. So the next posts will be recording our lives over the past year....
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
The Hospital
The day before Kinsley was to join us my mom came up and spent the day with me. We went grocery shopping so the refrigerator would be stocked. She cooked us a few meals to stick in the fridge and freezer while I washed clothes and cleaned the house. That was such a huge help. I can't even begin to let her know how much that meant to me. Aaron was going to take the following week off of work so we had told the Relief Society sisters that dinners would be more helpful the second week since Aaron would be back at work. So having meals already cooked and in the freezer made Aaron's life a litter easier.
The kids were at camp that day so we went down to pick them up and then came back up and ate dinner. I had scheduled one final pregnancy massage before the big day so I said good-bye to the kids and my mom took them down to her house to stay for the next few days. My massage was amazing, as usual, and when I got home Aaron and I finished packing for the hospital and tried to get some sleep.
We had to be at the hospital at 5:30am. My c-section was scheduled for 7:15 but my OB had an emergency at his office so we got started a little late. Kinsley joined us at 7:47 am. I remember thinking first how scrawny she looked. I couldn't see an inch of fat. Her legs were long and lean. The next thing I noticed was all the hair! It's funny because before we had any children I expected that all my kids would be born with a head full of dark hair because my hair is so thick and that is how I was born. Now having had three children with little hair I was completely shocked to see so much hair. The doctor kept mentioning hair when he would do the ultrasounds and now I realize that he probably kept bringing it up because she had so much of it and maybe it is rare for it to show up on an ultrasound.
The kids were at camp that day so we went down to pick them up and then came back up and ate dinner. I had scheduled one final pregnancy massage before the big day so I said good-bye to the kids and my mom took them down to her house to stay for the next few days. My massage was amazing, as usual, and when I got home Aaron and I finished packing for the hospital and tried to get some sleep.
We had to be at the hospital at 5:30am. My c-section was scheduled for 7:15 but my OB had an emergency at his office so we got started a little late. Kinsley joined us at 7:47 am. I remember thinking first how scrawny she looked. I couldn't see an inch of fat. Her legs were long and lean. The next thing I noticed was all the hair! It's funny because before we had any children I expected that all my kids would be born with a head full of dark hair because my hair is so thick and that is how I was born. Now having had three children with little hair I was completely shocked to see so much hair. The doctor kept mentioning hair when he would do the ultrasounds and now I realize that he probably kept bringing it up because she had so much of it and maybe it is rare for it to show up on an ultrasound.
I have a great shot of her being held up by the doctor that shows how scrawny she looked. Unfortunately it also shows my c-section in progress and is a little more than I would like to post on the Internet so we will have to settle with this picture. During the surgery the doctor informed me that my ab muscles had previously been attached all to the right side and that I didn't have any muscles down the middle. I'm not surprised and am pretty sure that is courtesy of the last OB who removed my ectopic pregnancy. That is all a whole different story that brings up a lot of harsh feelings so I won't go there. Anyway Dr. Crandall took extra time to fix all the issues I had from my previous surgery (there was actually more than just the ab issue, but again, another story) which took about an hour. I am so grateful to have found him and would highly recommend him to anyone local who needs an OB.
Aaron and Kinsley stayed with me the whole time during the surgery and we all went together to the recovery room. Since we were going to culture my milk Aaron gave Kinsley her first bottle and she gulped the whole thing down. The nurses were amazed that she ate the whole two ounces. They called in a NICU doctor to take a look at Kinsley. He suggested that we do three different tests to check her white blood cell count and to look for any signs of infection. We quickly went from not wanting her to have any shots in the hospital to giving her more than normal. We were okay with it though because we really felt like knowing there were no signs of infection would help put us at ease. After about an hour we went up to our room. There we met our nurse for the day. Her name was Jan and she was great. Everyone was very patient with us and all of our rules about gloves and hand washing. She gave Kinsley her first bath in the room with us.
Mid-day I was able to pump and get a tiny bit of colostrum out for the nurse to send off to the lab. Kinsley had some blood drawn and I had my usual blood pressure, temperature, interrupt at inconvenient times, etc. My parents brought the kids down in the evening to meet their new baby sister. They of course fell in love with her instantly.
My parents also fell in love with her. How can you not??
On Friday my grandmother was able to come visit us at the hospital. I was excited for her to come because she was not able to visit us in the hospital when the other kids were born.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Kinsley Hope Leishman
Here is Kinsley Hope Leishman
Born July 12, 2012 @ 7:47 am
7lbs. 6oz., 21.5 inches
Look at all that hair! We just love rubbing it!
Kinsley with her big sister
Kinsley with her big brother
6 days old
Monday, July 9, 2012
Are we ready yet?
Okay, physically I am definitely in a much better place than I was a few weeks ago when I posted. As I mentioned we do now have diapers and wipes, all the baby clothes have been washed and I was even able to find a place to keep them (Lexy's closet and bottom dresser drawer) even though this baby doesn't really have a room. I have the kids bag packed to go to Mimi's, I have boiled bottles and pump equipment (and re-read instruction booklets), I have my list of To-Do's made for the next three days so that I can have all clean clothes for the family (buys me at least a week without laundry, right?), a stocked refrigerator, bills paid and I do at least have everything listed that I want to take to the hospital although the bag is not completely packed. So, physically.....physically I am feeling much more prepared for this baby.
Emotionally.......Emotionally is another story. We just don't know how to handle having another baby when Hailey died from something that most humans have on their body. How do we keep this baby safe when the bacteria that took Hailey's life will be surrounding us? As I mentioned before we talked to a Pediatric Infectious Disease Specialist (PIDS). It was a great visit. We have an entire protocol of body washes and ointments that the entire family will be using for the first week of the baby's life. It adds a little stress to our lives, but it at least helps us feel that we will be doing everything we can possibly do to keep her safe. I am going to pump for the first few days while they test my milk to make sure that it is safe since I had such a horrible infection when Hailey died. Both my OB and the PIDS said that my milk should be fine but that testing it for peace of mind is probably a good idea. So the plan is that the baby will have formula until we know that my milk is okay and then we will give that a try. If I start to get any cracking or bleeding though I will have to stop immediately and just go with the bottle. The PIDS also said that she wondered if Hailey had something else going on. She said the fact that I had such a hard time getting her to latch on could have been a sign for something called Chronic Granuloma Disease. It affects the baby's neutrophils (or white blood cells) which could have been the reason that she couldn't fight the infection. She has recommended that this baby be tested within the first week so we will be doing that next week some time.
I want to love this baby and snuggle her and kiss her and I want the kids to do the same just in case the Lord takes her away. I want us all to have the memories of loving and enjoying her to the fullest in case that is all we have. I want tons of pictures and video. AND YET..... I want her in a bubble. I don't want anyone near her. I want the kids and their germs a thousand miles away. How do we do both of those things? Can we be cautious without being complete germ freaks. I don't want the kids to be paranoid or afraid to touch her or to think that maybe Hailey died because of their germs (which Lexy has already asked me about). How do we find a happy medium emotionally?
Everyone is so convinced that everything will be fine with this baby. Is that because they just cannot fathom the Lord taking another child? I know too many Angel mom's who have lost multiple children. I have tried to pray for peace and comfort, but have not received it, so what does that mean? It is near impossible for me to move forward with faith. I just can't seem to let my guard down. I didn't even want to open the baby bottles I bought to boil them because 'what if I don't even get to use them'?
Our grief therapist (who we still see occasionally) suggested that I need to "row the boat and wait for it to appear". In other words I need to move forward with the faith that this baby will be fine. I have been trying to do that, which allowed me to open some of the things I bought, like the bottles. I hope that once the baby comes some how we will be able to relax and move forward with more faith. I can tell that even the kids are feeling emotional about this baby. Nathan has asked multiple times throughout this pregnancy about how long this baby will live and what if she goes to heaven with Hailey. How do you answer those questions? All I can say to him is that I hope that this baby will get to live on earth with us until she is 100.
I can feel so many of the emotions surrounding Hailey's death coming back. In the mornings and evenings in bed I see her little body with all the tubes and the doctor and nurses. I hear myself asking my mom if she can bring the kids to the hospital to say good-bye. I remember the doctor doing CPR multiple times and finally realizing that she was dying in front of my eyes and then finally telling him to stop. I don't know how I am not just going to hold this new baby and cry nonstop. What if she looks like Hailey? What if she cries like her? How do I handle all of this? How do I be strong so that my children are okay emotionally? I don't know....... I just.don't.know.
Emotionally.......Emotionally is another story. We just don't know how to handle having another baby when Hailey died from something that most humans have on their body. How do we keep this baby safe when the bacteria that took Hailey's life will be surrounding us? As I mentioned before we talked to a Pediatric Infectious Disease Specialist (PIDS). It was a great visit. We have an entire protocol of body washes and ointments that the entire family will be using for the first week of the baby's life. It adds a little stress to our lives, but it at least helps us feel that we will be doing everything we can possibly do to keep her safe. I am going to pump for the first few days while they test my milk to make sure that it is safe since I had such a horrible infection when Hailey died. Both my OB and the PIDS said that my milk should be fine but that testing it for peace of mind is probably a good idea. So the plan is that the baby will have formula until we know that my milk is okay and then we will give that a try. If I start to get any cracking or bleeding though I will have to stop immediately and just go with the bottle. The PIDS also said that she wondered if Hailey had something else going on. She said the fact that I had such a hard time getting her to latch on could have been a sign for something called Chronic Granuloma Disease. It affects the baby's neutrophils (or white blood cells) which could have been the reason that she couldn't fight the infection. She has recommended that this baby be tested within the first week so we will be doing that next week some time.
I want to love this baby and snuggle her and kiss her and I want the kids to do the same just in case the Lord takes her away. I want us all to have the memories of loving and enjoying her to the fullest in case that is all we have. I want tons of pictures and video. AND YET..... I want her in a bubble. I don't want anyone near her. I want the kids and their germs a thousand miles away. How do we do both of those things? Can we be cautious without being complete germ freaks. I don't want the kids to be paranoid or afraid to touch her or to think that maybe Hailey died because of their germs (which Lexy has already asked me about). How do we find a happy medium emotionally?
Everyone is so convinced that everything will be fine with this baby. Is that because they just cannot fathom the Lord taking another child? I know too many Angel mom's who have lost multiple children. I have tried to pray for peace and comfort, but have not received it, so what does that mean? It is near impossible for me to move forward with faith. I just can't seem to let my guard down. I didn't even want to open the baby bottles I bought to boil them because 'what if I don't even get to use them'?
Our grief therapist (who we still see occasionally) suggested that I need to "row the boat and wait for it to appear". In other words I need to move forward with the faith that this baby will be fine. I have been trying to do that, which allowed me to open some of the things I bought, like the bottles. I hope that once the baby comes some how we will be able to relax and move forward with more faith. I can tell that even the kids are feeling emotional about this baby. Nathan has asked multiple times throughout this pregnancy about how long this baby will live and what if she goes to heaven with Hailey. How do you answer those questions? All I can say to him is that I hope that this baby will get to live on earth with us until she is 100.
I can feel so many of the emotions surrounding Hailey's death coming back. In the mornings and evenings in bed I see her little body with all the tubes and the doctor and nurses. I hear myself asking my mom if she can bring the kids to the hospital to say good-bye. I remember the doctor doing CPR multiple times and finally realizing that she was dying in front of my eyes and then finally telling him to stop. I don't know how I am not just going to hold this new baby and cry nonstop. What if she looks like Hailey? What if she cries like her? How do I handle all of this? How do I be strong so that my children are okay emotionally? I don't know....... I just.don't.know.
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