Happy Easter

We wanted to make something special to put on Hailey's grave for Easter. The kids worked hard to paint and decorate some Easter eggs for Hailey. They turned out really cute. Since it was General conference we were able to go down Easter morning and visit Hailey and take her our gifts. Some how I think that Hailey's animal has become the frog. When we took her a special Valentine's bouquet there was a frog attached. I thought it was cute so we bought it. When I was in the store buying the Easter crafts I saw this little frog and grabbed it immediately. My first thought was that she already had a frog, I should look for something else. I was drawn to it though and felt like I needed to buy it, so I did. It wasn't until later that I really looked at it and realized that it was in a bunny suit with bunnies on the feet. This is special because Hailey wore a little pajama outfit for a couple of days that had little bunny feet just like this frog we gave her. Now I realize why I was so drawn to this little stuffed animal.... It reminded me of my sweet baby girl.

2010 Census

We received our census in the mail the other day so I decided to go ahead, take a few minutes and fill it out. In a matter of seconds I realized that it was not going to be as easy as I thought. I don't recall what the exact words are, but it asked for the number of people living in our house. To me that means how many people are in our family. I wanted to write down 5. There are five members of our family, but only 4 are actually currently living in our house. I felt like I was having to leave Hailey out of our family. For each person it asks for age and birthday, then it states for babies to put "0" for age. I wanted so badly to put Hailey on there and just put "0". I understand that the census is just for people living currently. I know that for genealogical purposes that would really confuse someone in the future, but it was so difficult for me to leave her off. I guess it is one of those things that makes her death real. It was a slap in my face telling me my baby is gone. It still hurts.


On a much lighter note - I was very excited the other night because I made "potato" cheese soup and the kids loved it. Why is this so exciting, you ask?? Because it didn't have any potatoes in it! It was pure cauliflower and only 190 calories and 7 grams of fat! (snicker, snicker). They never had a clue!

Enduring....

Mark 13:13 "...he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved." Hebrew 6:15 "And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise." 3 Nephi 15:9 "Behold, I am the law, and the light. Look unto me, and endure to the end, and ye shall live; for unto him that endureth to the end will I give eternal life." D&C 50:5 "But blessed are they who are faithful and endure, whether in life or in death, for they shall inherit eternal life."

I have read these scriptures my entire life. To me they meant, in a way, for us to do the best that we could to live the commandments....to repent when we needed to....to make corrections where corrections should be made....to endure just living in this world of wickedness and temptation. Now, Now these scripture take on a whole new meaning. Not only do I have to live worthy enough to be given the gift of eternal life so that I can be with my baby girl again, but I have to endure my entire life on this earth without her. I will never again hear the word "endure" and let it pass by so lightly.

Yesterday made it three months since Hailey left this world. When I allow myself to go back to that moment it is so fresh, so raw. I'm not sure that that will ever change. I have the feeling that whenever I go back my emotions will be right there waiting like a pot of water about to boil over the top. I can only hope that when I get to see her again that I will not have to remember or feel the heartbreak of what we are enduring here for the rest of our lives on this earth.

The diagnosis is....

I thought I would give you an update on the last post. The flu test also came back negative. I thought it was just a bug that we were going to have to let run it's course until yesterday. Nathan was complaining about his neck and head and refused to turn it. I was very nervous that we were dealing with spinal meningitis again and so we went back to the doctor's office. (We saw a different doctor so I didn't have to deal with my irritation from the day before). Anyway, they did a couple of tests and as is turns out Nathan has Mono!

So, I have cancelled my life for the next two weeks. Nathan is not allowed to go to school or play any sports. He is suppose to rest as much as possible. I was already behind at the office because of insane amounts of "no school" days in the month of January and now I have two more weeks of no school for Nathan. I am going to try to enjoy this down time as much a possible without stressing out. I'm sure that's the lesson I am suppose to learn with all of this. :o)

Irritated

I am a bit irritated today. Nathan came down with a fever on Saturday and has been complaining of a sore throat. He has definitely not been himself - he is on his second nap for today, poor little guy. Anyway, I took him to the pediatrician today just to have him take a look. The strep test came back negative and we are still waiting on the flu test results (hopefully negative too).

This pediatrician that I took Nathan to is the one that my children have been seeing since Lexy was a few months old. He is part of a large practice so we don't always see him when the kids are sick but we do see him for their "well" visits and if he is available when they are sick we will see him. The last time we were in there was just about three weeks before I had Hailey. I asked him some questions about whether or not I needed to do anything specific to have a pediatrician from the office see Hailey at the hospital. He told me about how the third child is different from the other two and how my life will change.

So I was a little worried about going in today because I figured that he would ask about the baby. He was not the doctor that ever saw Hailey at the hospital so I wasn't sure that he knew that she had passed away. (You would hope that even though they are part of a large practice somehow there would be just a tiny bit of communication in the office that would allow a doctor who has been treating a family for almost eight years know that their child passed away. However, the office called me two weeks after Hailey passed telling me I needed to schedule her for her two week check-up. When I told the teenager on the other end that she has passed away all she said to me was "oh, okay - thanks". I knew at that point that Hailey's file would probably be marked "in-active" and no one else would hear a thing.) So back to today... I thought that since I had been in there just a few months ago and we had discussed Hailey's birth that even though he probably had not been made aware of her death he would at least remember that she was born and ask about her. NOPE! Not one word. You would assume that I was never even pregnant. He asked about everyone else in the family making sure they weren't showing any signs of illness. Any concerns for a brand new baby??? NOPE!

So I have to say that today I felt like a number. I guess when I worried this morning about how I would hold it together when he asked, I just wasted my time. Needless to say, I am hurt and irritated!

Hospital Pictures

When we were at the hospital they came and took some pictures of Hailey. We had almost told them not to because we didn't plan on buying them but decided it wouldn't hurt. We thought the pictures were cute, but intended to go have our own taken for cheaper. We were told that if we wanted the pictures we would have to order them before we left the hospital. After Hailey passed we decided that since we had so few pictures of her we really wanted the ones from the hospital but were afraid that it was too late. We had tried to contact the company a few times with no luck. Aaron finally got in contact with them and we were able to order a CD with the pictures (there are 8) for way more than we would normally ever spend, but now our perspective has changed and there is no price too high for more pictures of our beautiful Angel. I thought I would share a few of the pictures with you.

To a Happy New Year

I want to start this year out in a positive way. I know that since we are here as mortals and cannot fully comprehend what the Lord has in store for us we will have times where the grief that comes as part of being human will take over. In fact it still happens more than once each day, but I look forward, in this new year, to the pain and sadness becoming less and less. I look forward to the time when I can focus more on the joy in Hailey's life and ours. We have been abundantly blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord over this last month and a half and I wanted to share a few of them.



First of all the love that we have felt from so many at church and in our community through selfless acts of service have been so helpful. The Lord has provided us shoulders to lean on through our amazing friends and family. I have received a few special gifts from friends that have meant so much to me. I love and appreciate all of them. The picture above is one that has brought me so much peace and comfort. Christ has my sweet baby girl in his arms. There is no better place for her to be. That does not make my arms ache any less, but it will hold me over until I can once again hold her in my arms. The Lord knew that I needed these special gifts. Multiple friends have said that they "new" the moment they saw their gifts or angel ornaments that it was exactly what they had been searching for. I know the Lord has used our friends as instruments to bring us the things that will bring us comfort and joy whether it be a hug, a phone call, an invitation, an act of kindness, or special gifts. I am thankful for that tender mercy.



Next as we have looked back on Hailey's short life we know that the Lord blessed us abundantly in the way things happened.

• Aaron's parents had come early so that they could be here to help when Hailey was born. They have not been with us for the birth of either of the other two children. They usually come for the blessing weeks later. They were here - able to see, hold and love our baby girl.


• When so many people lose their precious children before they are born or only hours later, we were blessed with 6 whole days to have her in our arms. Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Lexy and Nathan were able to hold her, love her, feed her, and connect with her. She only needed a body. She did not need those six day. They were a gift for us.


• So many children have to struggle through days or months spent in a hospital hooked up to IV's and tubes. Hailey passed within 8 hours of us realizing that something was wrong. We feel blessed that the Lord spared her and us the trauma of a long hospital stay.


• Aaron and I had both been prepared through our own separate and personal experiences for Hailey's passing. When it was time to let her go at the hospital we both knew deep down that she had fulfilled her life on this earth for now.


• The Lord blessed my body. Although I had a c-section only a week before she passed and a raging double mastitis infection I was able to go with Aaron to make all of the funeral arrangements and to even carry Hailey's coffin during the service. My recovery from this birth has been faster than any of my other deliveries.

Finally, the Lord has blessed us at the office. We have had a tough, and at times very stressful, year financially at the office. Usually December is one of our harder months - no one wants to fix their teeth when they have presents to buy. This year we had the best December we've had which is a huge blessing for us since we have extra tax expenses due in January. We don't have to stress about where the money will come from on top of everything else we have been dealing with.

As this new year begins I look forward hope for peace. Hope for happiness. Hope for comfort. Hope for joy. I look forward with Hope.