Professional Pictures - All Three!

I just love these pictures with all three kids.  The only thing missing is a picture of Hailey.  I know a lot of families who have lost children that include a picture of their child with the other children.  By this point I had hoped to have a nice canvas picture of Hailey, but I hadn't gotten it yet because I didn't want to put one of her up without putting one of the other two.  This is part of the reason I wanted these professional pictures in the first place - so that I could get good pictures of all the kids so that I can have a canvas of each one hanging on the wall.

 

 

 

 

 

I had to add this last one because the photographer made Lexy put her arms around Nathan.  She is smiling, but trying not to laugh!

Professional Pictures - Lexy

My little mother.... (My mom always told me how I would get up with my baby brother in the middle of the night and sit by her while she fed him.)  It must be a first-born thing.  Lexy has been such a big help with Kinsley.  She even tackled poopy diapers until Kinsley pooped in the middle of a change and it shot across the carpet.  She has been a little hesitant since then.  But she is always there when Kinsley cries and has made bottles, changed her clothes, and given her baths.  Lexy is growing up to be such a beautify young woman.  I can't believe my baby is so big.  She has a great sense of humor and loves to sing and draw.  I just love these pictures of her, but the last one is my favorite of all.  I had one of those moments when I saw this picture where it was almost like I was seeing her for the first time and I just thought she was so beautiful.  Love my not-so-baby girl!

 

 

Professional Pictures - Nathan

Oh, my sweet boy.  He has been the loviest and snuggliest of all my children.  Are boys just that way?  He has been such a good big brother to Kinsley.  So sweet and concerned about her well-being.  In my personal opinion he has always been a cute kid, but he sure is growing up to be such a handsome boy.  Just love him!!  Again, here are just a few of my favorites...

 

 

Professional Pictures - Kinsley

It was so hard to pick just a few pictures from our photo shoot.  Our photographer did a great job.  Kinsley was such a good baby throughout the session.  She was quite the trooper through outfit changes and everything.  Below are a few of my favorites.

 

Breastfeeding

As I stated in a previous post, all of the testing on my milk came back clear.  Woohoo!  I was so excited and I just new that Kinsley would latch on like a pro and all would be well.  Hmmm....I should know by now that my plans are not always how it works.  I tried to latch Kinsley on and knew right away that she was not latching on correctly.  I was way to scared of getting an infection to push it on my own so we made an appointment with the lactation specialist at NCH.  Unfortunately, she was not that helpful.  We bought shields and we bought a special bottle that allows you to attached a small tube to your breast so that the baby can get milk even if nothing is coming from your breast. 

After my milk came in I had another set-back.  I realized that I really only had two ducts that were working on one side.  So even though the other ducts in my breast were producing milk there was no where for the milk to drain.  One of two things was going to happen.  Either the ducts would just dry up and stop producing milk or I would get an infection.  I was devastated because I felt like we had done so much and come so far for it not to work now.  The doctor had told me that they could go in and try to re-open the ducts which sounded awfully painful to me.  We waited to see what happened.  Thankfully I didn't get an infection.  I had damage on the other side also with limited milk coming out so Kinsley would just get mad when she tried to latch on.  I had one day where I thought maybe it was going to work and she stayed latched on for about 45 minutes.  Then I pumped afterward to see what was left and she hadn't really gotten anything.  Since it wasn't working well and I was a little sore afterwards I just gave up on the idea of breastfeeding.

I was determined to feed Kinsley breast milk though.  So I pumped....and pumped.....and pumped.....and pumped...and (well, you get the idea..).  It was so hard.  I have a new respect for women who have done this.  We think feeding a brand new baby 8-10 times a day is a lot - try feeding 16-20 times.  I had to stay hooked up to the pump for 30 minutes each side to get the milk out because of my lack of ducts and Kinsley usually took 30-45 minutes to drink her bottle. How did I find any extra time for anything, you ask??  At first I didn't.  I was very overwhelmed and beginning to wonder if it was too much for my family to have my every minute dedicated to pumping/feeding. 

 

Thankfully one of the things I had purchased was a pumping bra.  This allowed me to be hands free while pumping.  This way I could play a game of uno with the older kids, or help with homework, or as time went on, I would sling the pump (which came in a shoulder bag) over my shoulder, throw on a breastfeeding cover and fold laundry, or wash dishes, or vacuum.  I pumped in the airport... I pumped in the car... I pumped in the kids pick-up line at school...I even pumped while driving (is that illegal?)  I just didn't have much of a choice sometimes.   I felt that pumping had become my life and I needed to find a way to make things work with all the other activities that needed to happen!

 

The other thing that saved me through this process was Aaron and the kids.  I would not have gotten any sleep if it weren't for Aaron.  He was such a huge help.  I would have to get up and pump in the middle of the night for 45 minutes to an hour and then I would have had to feed Kinsley for the same amount of time only to have to do it again within the next hour.  Not cool!  So Aaron took baby feeding duty, even after he went back to work.  Thank you, thank you, to my wonderful husband!!

 

The kids were also a huge help throughout the day when Aaron was gone.  They would feed Kinsley while I pumped many times.  I could not have done this by myself.  I took one month at a time telling myself that it was okay if I only made it one month, then two.  I pumped for over 7 months.  But I pumped and saved every ounce and was able to feed Kinsley breast milk for 10 months.  I am SO grateful for that.

 

Lesson: As I continue to learn over and over things don't usually go as I had planned.  I am a planner and I try oh-so-hard to make things go my way, but even though things don't turn out how I had them in my mind, they usually work out ok.  It doesn't mean it is easy.  I had so many days that I struggled emotionally and physically, but good or not, I am also a stubborn woman, especially when it comes to something for my kids. 

 

After my infection with Hailey I wasn't even sure that making milk was going to be an option.  So when I realized that I was making milk and it was coming out, however slow...I was determined that if the Lord would bless me with milk that was not physically dangerous to my child I was going to do whatever I needed to, to make sure she got it!  I am so thankful for that blessing from the Lord!

 

Chronic Granuloma Disease

A week after Kinsley was born we took her to a lab near the hospital to have her blood drawn for the Chronic Granuloma test.  This was the one thing the Pediatric Infectious Disease Specialist thought that Hailey might have had that would have kept her from being able to fight the infection she had.

Kinsley was a trooper and so brave.  They had to take like four full vials of  blood.  It was a crazy amount.  I don't know how she had anything left, but she didn't even cry.  It helps to have a good nurse who knows what she is doing too.  They had to check twice to make sure that they were actually suppose to take that much blood and felt horrible for doing it, but they did a great job.  A week later the result were in and they were negative.  We were very relieved!  By this time all of her other test results had also come back negative.  Phew...!

What is the significance of Day 6?

 Before Kinsley was born I was afraid that I was going to just sit and cry.  I was afraid that having a baby in my arms again would make Hailey's death and all those emotions come to the surface.  Thankfully I think we were just too busy worrying about making sure that Kinsley was ok.  There were so many tests and small things that we focused on that our minds didn't really have time to wonder.  Things like washing all of the pump equipment with a fresh paper towel and soap so that we weren't reusing a bottle brush or anything that could possibly become contaminated in the hospital....  Using our special body washes....making sure that each nurse that came into the room actually washed her hands with soap and water and didn't just use the antibacterial liquid....

 

It's not that we didn't think about Hailey and try to figure out who exactly Kinsley looked like, but we didn't have time to dwell on the sadness.

When you lose a child there are three dates that are forever in your mind.  The first of course, is your child's birthday.  The second one is their Angel day or the day they passed.  The third day is not necessarily a date, but an age....how old your child was when they passed.  I know for many Angel mom's this last date or age is one of the hardest things to deal with and brings much anxiety when a new child is born after a loss.

I guess I am thankful that we didn't have to wait too long before we hit that mark with Kinsley.  Hailey passed when she was 6 days old.  I didn't realized that the 6-day mark was so important to the kids until Nathan brought it up after Kinsley was born.  In his little precious and innocent mind Kinsley just had to make it past day 6.  It was one of the first things he said on her 7th day of life - "Mom, Kinsley is still alive and it has been 7 days!  She isn't going to die!"  As my heart breaks and I say a prayer to myself that these sweet words from my 7-year old will be truth, I agree with him, we celebrate, and put his little mind at ease.  "Yes, sweet boy, your sister is going to be just fine."  This is not something that children should have to worry about, so I am grateful that he was able to let that worry go at that moment.

These pictures were taken on day 6.  Aaron and I also needed to celebrate a little by taking a moment to record our sweet baby with pictures.  So grateful to have made it to....and past...this day.

Kinsley's Blessing Day

 Kinsley was blessed by her father on August 4, 2012.  Kinsley is about three weeks old.  My dad was able to stand in the blessing circle with Aaron.  It was a little difficult to go shopping for Kinsley's blessing dress.  The last time I bought a little white dress was for Hailey's burial outfit so I definitely struggled a bit that day.  I really like this dress though.  I think it is beautiful!

I was determined to make sure that we had thousands of pictures of Kinsley from day one.  So we went to Portrait Innovations and had pictures taken of the kids.  These are some of the pictures that were taken of Kinsley in her blessing dress.

"Looking beautiful is exhausting!"

I love this picture for a few reasons.  First, it is the one little smile that we captured the whole time.  Not that she was really smiling yet, because she is only three weeks old, but I love it anyway.  The second reason I love this picture is because if you look closely you can see her hair sticking straight up.  Every time I see this picture I think of one of the movies with the penguins that had the feathers that stuck straight out of the top of their heads.  It would help if I knew the name of it, but I don't. lol  Anyway, that is her hair.  Straight out of the bathtub - it dries and sticks straight up.  We can't stop rubbing it!

I was very grateful to have Kinsley blessed.  After Hailey passed away I had a moment where I almost panicked when I realized that she didn't receive a blessing.  Then I realized that it was ok because she didn't really need it.  I still felt like that was just one more thing that we had missed out on with her.  At this point I am just feeling so grateful that our baby girl is healthy and still with us.

First "bath" at home

I was a little worried when I looked for these pictures because all I had were pictures of Kinsley wrapped up after the bath was over because Aaron had wanted to have a video of her first bath.  Then I remembered that I had insisted on pictures (for blogging purposes) and found a few pictures on an old camera that we pulled out.  Phew....

As you can see, Kinsley was not a fan of being naked.  In fact I think she was fairly upset through the whole process on the towel.  This, of course, was not a "real" bath because she still had her umbilical cord at this point, so this was just the wipe-down bath.

In the hospital when our nurse, Jan, gave her a bath we discovered that Kinsley really liked having her hair washed under the warm running water.  We decided that we should give her the same royal treatment at home.  She was a fan!

 

Now she is a happy camper!

 PJ's on and hair brushed...

All clean and warm....

Sibling love...

July 16th, 2013

At home Kinsley was immediately snuggled and loved by her big sister and brother!

Going Home!

July 14, 2012

Our initial feelings were that we wanted to stay in the hospital as long as possible to make sure that everything was ok.  We wanted access to medical attention.  My OB had other thoughts, though... His concern was that the longer we stayed in the hospital the more chance we had of being exposed to something.  Kinsley had been poked multiple times for many tests.  She failed her hearing tests and so she had to have the specialty tests done.  Thankfully she passed!  We still didn't have any results form the tests that had been done, but agreed with the doctor that we didn't want to chance picking anything extra up from the hospital so we hesitantly decided to head home.

Jan was our nurse that first day and also the day we checked out.  She was AMAZING!  I am so grateful for her.  She was very protective of us and made sure that we were left alone as much as possible, but that we had the "extra" care and attention our hearts needed.  She will always have a special place in my heart.

 

Kinsley had already messed up the two outfits that we brought to the hospital so she had to go home in a very large donated outfit.  Still cute as a button though!!

Formula or Breast Milk?

July 13, 2012

As I had said before we had decided that I would have my milk tested to make sure that there wasn't any infection left in my milk that would be harmful to Kinsley.  So I began pumping immediately and this little cutie drank formula.

 

The nurses took the little milk that I was able to get and kept it in their refrigerator with the hope that when the tests came back okay we would be able to feed Kinsley the colostrum since she was missing that part.  Unfortunately, we had a little set-back.  On the second day of pumping the milk from my right breast started coming out brown.  Not a good sign and an instant panic-starter for myself.  The nurses were baffled.  They didn't know what to do with that.  So we instantly cultured my milk again and sent off for yet another test.  It turns out that there is something called "rusty pipe" syndrome.  Nice name, I know....lol.  Anyway, because of the severe infection that I had with Hailey and the fact that I stopped breastfeeding over night my ducts where never able to completely drain and there was leftover blood cells that came out in my milk, making it a brownish color.  Looking back it was a little humorous because I looked like I was making chocolate milk on one side and regular on the other.  It wasn't funny then, though.  There was no way that I was going to feed that milk to my baby, good or not, so we ended up dumping everything that I had pumped in the hospital and I didn't keep any milk until it looked normal again, which was around day four.

 

It took over a week, but finally got the good news that my milk was fine.  It was such a relief to know that I could feed Kinsley breast milk!

Has it already been a year?

This blog has been my journal for the most part over the past few years.  So it makes me sad to know that I have allowed a year to go by without recording all of the moments that we have had.  My excuse (good or not) is that we put Kinsley's crib in the office.  So when she was sleeping and I actually had a few minutes to think, she was in the same room as the computer.  About a month ago we finally moved the "office" into our dining room.  I was tired of never being able to get on the computer and I was also tired of having Kinsley spread across the house.  We had her crib in the office, her changing table in the living room and her clothes in Lexy's closet and dresser.  Now Kinsley has her own room and I can actually take a minute to get things done on the computer while she sleeps.

I cannot let this past year go without recording it.  We had so many raw emotions and feelings when Kinsley was born.  I hope that I can remember them and record them.  So the next posts will be recording our lives over the past year....

The Hospital

The day before Kinsley was to join us my mom came up and spent the day with me.  We went grocery shopping so the refrigerator would be stocked.  She cooked us a few meals to stick in the fridge and freezer while I washed clothes and cleaned the house.  That was such a huge help.  I can't even begin to let her know how much that meant to me.  Aaron was going to take the following week off of work so we had told the Relief Society sisters that dinners would be more helpful the second week since Aaron would be back at work.  So having meals already cooked and in the freezer made Aaron's life a litter easier.

The kids were at camp that day so we went down to pick them up and then came back up and ate dinner.  I had scheduled one final pregnancy massage before the big day so I said good-bye to the kids and my mom took them down to her house to stay for the next few days.  My massage was amazing, as usual, and when I got home Aaron and I finished packing for the hospital and tried to get some sleep.

We had to be at the hospital at 5:30am.  My c-section was scheduled for 7:15 but my OB had an emergency at his office so we got started a little late.  Kinsley joined us at 7:47 am.  I remember thinking first how scrawny she looked.  I couldn't see an inch of fat.  Her legs were long and lean.  The next thing I noticed was all the hair!  It's funny because before we had any children I expected that all my kids would be born with a head full of dark hair because my hair is so thick and that is how I was born.  Now having had three children with little hair I was completely shocked to see so much hair.  The doctor kept mentioning hair when he would do the ultrasounds and now I realize that he probably kept bringing it up because she had so much of it and maybe it is rare for it to show up on an ultrasound.

 

I have a great shot of her being held up by the doctor that shows how scrawny she looked.  Unfortunately it also shows my c-section in progress and is a little more than I would like to post on the Internet so we will have to settle with this picture. During the surgery the doctor informed me that my ab muscles had previously been attached all to the right side and that I didn't have any muscles down the middle.  I'm not surprised and am pretty sure that is courtesy of the last OB who removed my ectopic pregnancy.  That is all a whole different story that brings up a lot of harsh feelings so I won't go there.  Anyway Dr. Crandall took extra time to fix all the issues I had from my previous surgery (there was actually more than just the ab issue, but again, another story) which took about an hour.  I am so grateful to have found him and would highly recommend him to anyone local who needs an OB.

 

Aaron and Kinsley stayed with me the whole time during the surgery and we all went together to the recovery room.  Since we were going to culture my milk Aaron gave Kinsley her first bottle and she gulped the whole thing down.  The nurses were amazed that she ate the whole two ounces. They called in a NICU doctor to take a look at Kinsley.  He suggested that we do three different tests to check her white blood cell count and to look for any signs of infection.  We quickly went from not wanting her to have any shots in the hospital to giving her more than normal.  We were okay with it though because we really felt like knowing there were no signs of infection would help put us at ease.  After about an hour we went up to our room.  There we met our nurse for the day.  Her name was Jan and she was great.  Everyone was very patient with us and all of our rules about gloves and hand washing.  She gave Kinsley her first bath in the room with us.

 

 

Mid-day I was able to pump and get a tiny bit of colostrum out for the nurse to send off to the lab. Kinsley had some blood drawn and I had my usual blood pressure, temperature, interrupt at inconvenient times, etc. My parents brought the kids down in the evening to meet their new baby sister.  They of course fell in love with her instantly.

 

My parents also fell in love with her.  How can you not??

 

 

On Friday my grandmother was able to come visit us at the hospital.  I was excited for her to come because she was not able to visit us in the hospital when the other kids were born.